...

Consumed by soberness of practical, humanistic sensibility
Can't even stay drunk with thoughts to escape self-destructive reality.

Schizophrenia - is socially accepted. Really, in words, it's ok.

It is necessary to write, if the days are not to slip emptily by.
How else, indeed, to clap the net over the butterfly of the moment?
For the moment passes, it is forgotten;
the mood is gone;
life itself is gone

[Dec 3rd, 2009] [Az]

[Annual Christmas wish list - 2009 version]

Nov 29th, 2009 11:12pm

It has been a month since I experience my seasonal epiphany, when it finally hit me that autumn has come. To be naively honest, I do not want to expect myself 30 days later, having another epiphany, this time, with a realization that “Damn, winter is here.” I should have known earlier that I should not wait until after stuffing myself with Thanksgiving goodies that those crazy individuals who started playing Christmas music before Nov 15ths, those whom I cursed at for ruining my autumn mood, are actually faster in the process of accepting the truth than I am. However, the first snow is still not here yet, so I have an excuse for my slow reaction. After all, it is not winter until the first REAL snow flake hits the ground, at least in my opinion.

I do not know when I started the habit of compiling a Christmas wish list, which I know as a matter of fact, will not be fulfilled even 75%. Nevertheless, some anonymous individual has said “Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars” so I told myself “Shoot for a 10 item wish list, even if people fail, you’ll still get one.”

Thus, from last year Christmas wish list: Dec 4th, 2008 11:12pm (crazy time coincidence right there, a hint of a Christmas miracle? *sparkle eyes*)

Snow globe: "Thích cái này lâu rồi, không biết vì sao thích mà chỉ đến Christmas mới thích thôi" … --> NOT GRANTED *sad*
The Twilight Saga: "… chỉ mong được sở hữu để có thể highlight xanh đỏ tím vàng và bookmark đây đó" --> GRANTED: I actually went out and bought myself the whole collection while I was waiting at the airports during the summer.
Ipod: "… Cái này ít người dùng, mà nhìn rất cá tính, nên nếu thấy nhất định sẽ mua, không cần ipod nữa" --> GRANTED: Hahah, I’m such a hypocrite. I ended up getting an itouch
Áo lạnh: "winter coat của Zara, màu tím caro đen" --> NOT GRANTED
Make – up: "cần dụng cụ make up gây ấn tượng mạnh" --> PARTIALLY GRANTED: I’m getting there.
Letters/cards: "Dạo này rất thích nhận được những thứ viết tay …" --> SOMEWHAT GRANTED: still love them though
Dinner: "Ideal là candle light hoặc ít ra cũng formal, để có cớ dress up và make up" --> NOT GRANTED Acceptant letter from colleges --> OBVIOUSLY GRANTED: otherwise I wouldn’t be sitting here.

It seems like half of my wish list is fulfilled … by myself. I ended up just go and buy most of the thing I wanted. After all, I’m not the type to be sitting around and waiting for others to fulfill my wish, although that does a little bit too much harm for my own wallet *wince*.

One thing I realized about my Christmas list last year was: my writing style has completely changed. Reading through the entry, I thought to myself: “Damn, was I this childish 360 days ago?” I can’t even believe it with my own eyes and mind. All of my entries have become more serious, philosophical and *ahem* either more cynical or romantic. Ah, for better or for worse.

I actually tried to put a good amount of thinking into this year wish list. After all, I’m 19 and, supposedly, a realist. I am no longer the little kid who waited for my parents to fake the Santa Clause theme and hid the presents around the house. Yet, I cannot deny that, as a 19 year old, the immature, childish and hopeful side of my personality still waits for a Christmas miracle, an ultimate wish that would makes me super duper happy until next year Christmas, when another ultimate wish takes up its place. Ah, humanity and its greedy nature.

Here it come the annual wish list, version 2009:

1. Since now that I know for sure I’m coming home for Christmas, I wish I would survive the 42 hour long flight and make it home safely. I just want to go to midnight mass with my mom and sisters - it’s been a while.

2. Snow globe: I always look forward to a meaningful and breathtakingly beautiful snow globe as a surprise present every Christmas.

3. The lilac purple PSP-3000: I’m such a hypocrite, claiming not to be materialistic and then put in a super duper high-tech expensive unnecessary item as the 3rd item on the list.

4. More baking and pastry supplies so I can expand my reputation to more goodies other than cheesecake and cookies. Plus, I want to make more people happy with my hand-made sweets, then they will have to look forward to my weekly baking time *laugh*

5. Annual Christmas cards and letters from friends and family, especially from my lovely girls, Bloom.

6. Dinner: every year I would hope for a candle lighted dinner at a formal restaurant, doesn’t have to be expensive, as long as it is a place that makes me feel warm and happy when it is cold and snowing outside. Ah, it is so hard nowadays to have proper dinnertime.

7. Hand-knitted scarf : I put this in just for you Christi.

8. Hugs and warm coffee/chocolate: come on, no one says no to these. They have to be in every wish lists in the world *smile*

9. Yamashita Tomohisa posters + CDs + concert DVD: if only I could go to Japan and get these myself *sign*

10. Disney items: anything that is Disney related, preferably Aladdin, Lion King, or Eeyore, and no Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/Snow White *roll eyes*

I know Christmas is not supposed to be about the presents, but I … love opening Christmas presents and feel all excited about it. I love going shopping and spending crazy money on gifts. Then I get to customize them, wrap them and attach cute notes and cards with them. It is a tradition that makes people happy, I don’t mind being tradition in these occasions.

I now officially announce that I am in my crazy Christmas mood. Beware of ridiculous decoration and Disney Christmas music upon visiting my room or me.

[az]

[Sololiquy]

Rain. White sky, white space. Needles and needles of water are stabbing into the barren ground.

Wind. Turns and turns of freezing wind are screaming in the dazzling white cosmos.

You hate rain. You hate this gloomy weather which always seem to try to bring everything down with it.

I imagine you sitting by the window, drown in the color of pure white, with a dream like expression on your face. How strange it is to see your bright smile and happy face being replaced with a thoughtful and melancholy expression. You are just sitting there, looking like you are dreaming about some far away fantasy world – one that exists only in those heartfelt, happy-ending Disney movies that you love to watch whenever the real world lets you down.

It’s so unreal, didn’t look out below, watch the time go right out the window, trying to hold on…

It’s raining. Rain is the same everywhere, real or unreal. After all, it will return to where it has begun - the ocean. Life is similar - the little circle of life. Sometimes you wish that time would freeze so you can live in sweet dreams and never have to wake up? Maybe you wonder how unfairly destiny treats you by giving you all and then take them away from you.

Life hurts sometimes, and sometimes it can be hard, but it won’t always be that way. There has to be a reason for you to live

Yiruma is playing his heartbreaking melodies. So many times I have told you that I would fall hopelessly in love with a sweet and warm singing voice accompanied by the soothing melody of the piano, like Yiruma, with vocal. You are listening, aren’t you? Those miraculous notes take away your fear and are the lullaby that you yearn for every night. I wish I would be able to play the piano just like this unforgettable melody of sadness that the rain is playing.

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.

Have you ever wondered what the real “me” is? Is it the cheery and enthusiastic girl who always smiles and loves to make people smiling? Or is it the thoughtful, emotional and vulnerable girl who hides inside? Or is it just me when I’m with you?

If you draw out what you are feeling, you will be able to feel a little bit better, you know?

Is it possible for other people to understand others’ feelings, even just a little bit? To have a person to understand you is hard, isn’t it? It takes timeso be patient, my little girl, just wait and your time will come. There must be someone out there in this world of millions and millions human being. There has to be, has to be, has to be.

Naturally, human does not know what is right and wrong

You know, what is right is what you believe. Are you trying to hard? Are you not trying hard enough? Should you give up or should you keep on going? The answers are all in your heart – listen, and follow.

Just forget about yesterday. There’s no point in being upset. The importance is tomorrow. Keep thinking about the future and keep on going. Even if tomorrow is going to be difficult, there will always be the day after tomorrow. If it still does not go the way you want, there will still be the day after that

You know what you want – make it come true.

As long as you live, that’s what you want: to have a reason to go on. As long as there’s hope, you are not going to give up.

You always joke that you are spoiled and you know it is true. You claim yourself as a strong, independent girl, yet being dependent has become part of you “style”. You like to be taken care of and you want attention. Is that what you always ponder upon? Staring at the rain, are you thinking that there is no one in this world who cares for you? That is not true, my girl, because there is always me. Nevertheless, as much as I want to spoil you, to take you in my arms and protect you from all the cruelty in the world, you know I cannot be here forever.

Have you thought about spreading you wings and fly in to the real world? Are you ready for that, my little girl?

If it’s just a little bit of difficulty and you have already depended on other people, that is not good. What if, someday, everything and everyone that you depend on disappear?

Are you scared? Are you afraid of that day to come, my dear? Are you anticipating the moment with anxiety and insecurity? You said that nobody is perfect and that is the reason why you need the others me.

No one can live by himself

Is that what you think? Is that why you always get hurt so easily? Emotions are you strength, but they are also your weakness.

You can close your eyes to things you don’t want to see, but you can’t close your heart to things you don’t want to feel

Is that your excuse? If it is, it sounds pretty damn reasonable. Are you wishing that you had never put on that strong cover on yourself? Are there times when you just want to cry out loud? Are there times when you just want to break down and just don't bother to get up, just lying there in the middle of time and space, waiting for someone so come and pick you up?

Is that why you always have happiness on your face and bury the melancholy deep inside? Are you preparing yourself for something to happen so that you will be strong enough not to be defeated by agony?

Things happen when you least expect them to happen

Are you feeling insecure? Are you worried that because things are going too well, it will come right back at your face the next minute? Are you happy or are you sad? Are you regretting what you did?

It is not a coincidence that we meet each other. We don’t just pass by each other in life.

You said that you believed in fate. Do you know, my dear, that fate can be cruel?

Don’t cry. Keep smile!

Is that what you tell yourself every day in order to overcome the cruelty of destiny? Have you ever felt hopeless? Have you ever felt like you just want to give up everything? Have you ever felt like you are all alone in this world? Listen, my dear, the reason why you feel alone is because the stars around you are suffering, hesitating along with you. Shh! Listen to them. You will understand when you grow stronger and realize your surroundings. You’re not alone, my dear. Live as you want to live and ignore the destiny that torments you. And in the end, laugh at its face. You can do it, can’t you?

You know, your smile may make a person’s day. Your laugh can lift up an unhappy soul. Do you realize how much you mean to others? Are you thinking that nobody cares for you? In fact, you know, the world is a much better place with you in it. It is not a dream, isn’t it? You may ask. It is raining, and the world drowning in raindrops is a miracle. You are looking at the rain, immersing your feelings in your little dream.

Rain - coming to an end.

[az]

[Simply autumn]

This is one of the moments that I cannot take anymore of the plasma membrane and its electron transport system, nor can I have anymore tolerance for equilibrium constant and Fe concentration. These are the times when I wish I have a deadline to finish reading Catcher in the Rye or finish that essay on Existentialism in Shakespeare’s works. Recently, I have found myself using writing as an escape path from the confusing and complicated scientific world that sometimes is too much for my faint heart. I miss writing.

One of those days, I walked the usual fifteen steps to Starbucks under the grumbling, pouting grey sky. One of those days, I stood there five minutes staring at flocks and flocks of birds soaring through the sky, wondering how many of them there were. I admired the orange leaves twirling around in a fast pace tango dance with the wind. I could smell the sharp and crispy air and hear the crunchy sound of the leaves crumbling underneath my steps. Only then did it truly hit me that, autumn has come. I have been in denial for the past few weeks, telling myself that the weather has just been feeling “under the weather” for a short period of time and eventually it would get over it. Unfortunately, it did not.

The strange thing about autumn is that it is both emotional and indifferent at the same time; it is ambiguous. Spring and its vitality bring about happiness and hope. Summer and its cheerfulness personality carries with it handfuls of energy. Winter covers the world with melancholy and a feeling that everything is in slow motions. Autumn is just autumn. It is just that same old grey sky, occasionally generous enough to allow several rays of faint golden sunlight. It is neither joyful nor depressing; neither too warm nor too cold. Autumn gives out a feeling of a pacifist, playing the role of a mediator, trying to stop the potentially intense fight between summer and winter, with an extremely calm and straight face. Maybe because of that reason, I feel like autumn, under its emotionless disguise, is full of sweetness, peacefulness and love at heart.

Autumn is filled with sweet. It is the season where the signature extra-sweet Pumpkin Spice Latte in Starbucks makes it reappearance with such a hit. One can find the amazing smell of pumpkin spice everywhere he goes, combined with smells of cinnamon, of caramel, and of cider. From houses (and even in dorms’ hall) the air carries with it the luscious aroma of homemade pumpkin pies, banana breads and apple cinnamon rolls. Hot cocoa, marshmallows, candy bars fly out of Walmart’s shelves and restock themselves in the homely cupboard. On the streets, kids jumping up and down, dressed in costumes, counting the treats in their bucketful of candy. There must be something of characteristic of autumn that makes the human body yearns for the extra carbohydrates they try to stay away from all year.

Autumn is also the season when one solely fragile and honey colored sunlight can make people feel an abundance of warmth, when a freshly washed and dried scarf and jacket can make a person smile for the rest of the day. It is the season when humanity goes on a search for anything that can bring about the tiniest amount of heat.

Most likely for this reason, every year, the moment I realize that it is autumn, I have this buoyant and glowing feeling. The sweetness and the warmth from nature somehow make me feel unsatisfied and my heart aches for more of those pleasant feelings, from humanity. I yearn for emotions and affection.

Is this the reason why people are said to fall in love easier in autumn? It does not make any sense to my rational self, the self that constantly reminds me that: “Just because someone is kind to you doesn't means that it's love. Just because someone holds you doesn't mean that it's love. Just because someone kisses you doesn't mean that it's love. Just because someone says "I love you" doesn't mean that it's love.”

Despite all that logic, I am a person with extra sensitivity when it comes to touch, sound and smell; and autumn has all of these. I may not be able to remember a face, I may forget a name, but a faint smell of mint chocolate, a feeling of a protect hand around mine or a sweet, low voice saying my name would linger in my memory for days. I am intoxicated by these stimuli and even just a trivial amount of them would trigger all my senses, and breaks the controlled grips that I put on my emotions. It makes me wonder all the time, exactly what is it about autumn that makes my senses so much sharper and a hug, a touch, a voice or a smell so much more addicting?

Ah, this is why I said autumn is ambiguous. I cannot take a hold of its nature and it makes my mind fluttering and unclear. Just as I want to cast away all the science homework to create a piece of poetic writing, I want to abandon the realistic and cynical self to adopt the idealist and romantic one. I seriously consider putting aside all the priorities, plans, lists and anything that is predictable to be adventurous and just go with the flow.

This, is one of the moments that makes me want to fall, heads and heels, hopelessly, “unconditionally and irrevocably” in love, all over again.

[az]
[Nov 1 2009]

Perfectionist, me?

More than once in life, I have this faint idea that I am more of a perfectionist that I am willing to admit:

1. I believe: “If you don’t get a 100% on a test, then it’s nothing”. This belief gives me enough motivation to spend more hours than I want in the library and much less in everywhere else. It also gives me the 100% chance of disappointment of after getting test scores. (Even if the test is easy, then the percent expected would be leveled up to 120%)

2. Architecture, fashion, music, journalism, psychology, biology, international relations, humanity, linguistic, relationship, graphic design, culinary, martial arts: these are all the fields that I want to excel in. Yes, all of them.

3. My ideal boyfriend:
- British accent with a deep and low voice that brings immense warmth
- Play instrument”s”, preferably guitar and piano, compose, sing and dance
- Doesn’t have to be a genius but at least not a douche bag
- Mentally and physically healthy
- Just a right amount of romanticism and realism, not too much, not too little
- DO NOT sweet talk
- Decent-looking
- Conversationally entertaining
- Organized and responsible
- Level of maturity higher than a high-schooler
- Have enough love chemical in his heart
- Good sense of fashion
- High level of endurance and patience
- Strong enough to stand up for himself

Above is the [excessively] simplified version of my ideal life.

The first 2 items are to prove the extent of my ridiculous-ism. The third item is the one that has circled my mind for the past week and it will keep circling around there and drive me crazy unless I do something about it. So I write.

I am not an idealist. I am a realist. Therefore, I know better than to rely on more than 15% of that list. As a perfectionist, I have to shamefully admit that, more than often, I overlook up to 12 out of 14 these items. I categorize guys into smaller and more practical lists: “The good-looking”, “The nice personality”, “The perfect”, “The potential”, “The friends” and “The gimme-a-break” and I rank them. The ranks are dynamic; they change accordingly to words, actions and behaviors.

The thing is, you have to understand, I do try not to judge them boys but it is a difficult thing to avoid in this world full of dishonesty and ambiguity. I just want to protect my fragile soul and unstable mental mind.

In my opinion, creating a relationship is nothing more than solving a science problem using the algorithmic method:
1. You use your instinct and intuition, attempting to understand the nature of the problems.
2. If your intuition is correct, good for you. If your intuition is incorrect, you need to move on to a more time-consuming strategy. You try to look at the problem with another view, and test it out.
3. After various attempts, eventually you will find the correct answer and be happy. If you do not have enough patience and persistence, you give up. It can be sad, it can be disappointing, but eventually you will move on to another problem and start over.

Unfortunately, science has proved that intuition often brings about more inaccuracy and mistake than one wants. Also more than often, life has cruelly proved that patience and persistence do not always pay off. As a result, there are, indeed, many unsolvable problems in this world and most likely, they will be unsolvable until there comes an extremely outstanding, and also extremely lucky, figure.

From stepping over and recovering from many mistakes, I learn to overlook (many) certain things, to give numerous chances, to reassure myself with positive, to conceive optimistic and humanistic thoughts, to look at things from numerous aspects and to repeatedly put my endurance and forgiveness levels into tests. I swear to my heart, that the one who is ranked number one my list right now, the one who I have a crush on right now is nowhere to close to the list of perfection, he miraculously makes it to the top, just because my emotions overweight everything else.

Sometimes, a girl, regardless of how realistic and how rational she is, gives in to passion and emotions. Sometimes, however, all of these good virtues are too much to take and a girl has the right to be out of control, to break down, shed tears of disappointment, of pain and of unhappiness and to rightfully give up. Sometimes, it is too much to ask for.

It is often said that most girls are rather particular about guys. It is not the case. Girls make endless lists of impossible/ideal boyfriend but she disregards the lists at the moment her heart gives in. Guys, as a matter of fact, have more [great] expectations that they appear to be. Consider these:

1. When a guy considers a girl pretty, he puts into mind her skin complexion, eyes, lips, cheekbones, eyelashes, eyebrows and hair. Girls have to stock up on cleanser, toner, moisturizer, lotion, foundation, powder, oil control,sunscreen, day cream, and night cream with different pH levels (we learn more about pH through makeups than through Chem lecture). Girls get comments when her skin is too pale, too tanned, too dry, too oily, her foundation is too thick or that the blush is too pink. Girls need lipsticks, lipgloss, eyeliner, eyeshadow, eyelash curler, mascara, false lashes, etc. Even her nails have to cut, filed and polished. Seriously, who cares if a guy does not have smooth skin, or that his eyelashes are not long and thick enough, or that his hair is not perfectly made? Who gives a guy a comment like “Jeez, your skin is really dry”. “Look, you have split ends!” or “Ugh, you should repaint your nails.”

2. Moving away from the face comes the body. A “hot” girl, depends on cultural views, should be either skinny or has perfect curves. If a girl is born with naturally perfect body shape, good for her. If not, it is a constant struggle, of social preferences and of self-esteem. Why is it that girls have higher rate of eating disorders that guys do? Because we are expected to be perfect. Who cares if a guy finishes a whole pizza by himself? Who cares if a guy eat 5 meals a day? While on the other hand, girls have to plan her diet, watch her calories, stock her fridges with fruits and yogurt and reluctantly turn away from the cookies, and get criticized for doing so. For god sake, girls share the same love for food just as anyone else on earth does then why does she have to constantly repress that thought? Besides the skinny types, there are girls who have to consume more sugar or fat then do particular exercises to get the “right curves”.

3. A girl is always expected to smell like a Victoria Secret store, not only her body, but her hair, her clothes, her purse and her room. However, the process of getting the perfect scent is not that simple. The perfume has to fit her ages, images and personality. Yes, a scent that fits personalities.

4. Of course, a girl cannot only have a pretty face, a good body and an appealing smell, but also has to be smart. She cannot be too smart though, which explains why sometimes girls have to play dumb to get guys. There are living proofs out there of women who are successful in their careers, financially independence and either single or suffering from multiple divorces.

5. Girls are expected to have good sense of fashion and therefore, to dress nicely. Colors have to be matched. Too revealing makes you a slut. Too conservative makes you non-attractive. Everything has to be at a perfect level. Not everyone is a fashion designer, you know.

6. And, it cannot be neglected that a girl also needs a perfect personality. There are different combinations: the good and loving girl, the active and outgoing girl and the sexy and attractive girl. If a girl is shy then she should act girly, cute, kind and extremely caring. Or she has to be friendly, outgoing, has a radiant smile, an enjoyable laugh and is able to make you smile all the time. Or she has to be flirty, sexy and driving your mind crazy. Where is the chance for a girl who does not satisfy all the requirements to fit in the categories? Where is the place for a funny and outgoing girl who sometimes has her moments and throws a fit? Where is the place for a smart, argumentative, ambitious yet tremendously caring and loving one?

7. Rarely, it is acceptable for a girl to be straightforward and “pushy”. Girls have to be patient and tell themselves not to send many texts, not to be obvious, play cool, play hard-to-get, and many other rules while her heart and mind are frustrated by the ambiguity and confusing words and actions of the guys. However, it is also not the right thing to do if a girl just sits around and waits for the love of her life to come. Again, every texts, every words, every actions a girl throw out there have to be FREAKING JUST RIGHT! Sometimes, a girl just wants to scream out loud "GOD DAMN IT, can't you just say it already? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING PLAYING WITH MY FEELINGS?"

I give up. I can’t do this anymore. It is too much for me to take. I am a perfectionist but how much effort do I have to put in just to find a person who truly cares? There are numerous times when I wish I do not have to force myself in the freezing cold shower, wish I do not have to spend an extra half an hour to put on makeup every morning, wish I do not have to remember all the skincare products whenever I pack, wish I do not have to make sure my nails look decent, etc. Cosmetics maybe my interest and fashion maybe my obsession but it’d be great if I can say I pursue those purely for pleasure, not for living up to expectations.

People can give me wise advices and tell me that I do not have to conform to the world, that I do not have to care about what other people things and that I can just live the way I want. What if the way I want to live is to live up to other people’s expectations? Then does that mean I have no choice but to conform? I have, numerously, reinvented my personality. I have tried many different characteristics: shy, quiet, studious, rebellious, outgoing, friendly, moody, caring, nonchalant, talkative, flirty …

What else do I have to do? I overlook things in other people but do people overlook things in me? What the hell do I have to do to be “just right”? If I can solve this with a math equation, I totally would. I am not desperate to be in a relationship. I still think relationships are bothersome. I'd love to be single and live life simply. Sometimes I don't say what I mean and I don't mean what I say. Sometimes I do not know what my heart wants and what my mind thinks.

I am cynical and I am judgmental. I speak my mind and I write my heart out. If my chaotic and frustrated thoughts bother you, speak your mind.

[az]

Just a little bit more love?

Imagine this:
One of those days, when the temperature drops to below 20 degree and the brutal wind is having fun with practicing its 100m sprint, you are wrapped up in layers of blanket, enjoying one of those “good-feeling” movies. With no worries in mind, you just relax and enjoy the moment.

Or this:
On the corner of the street, under a lonely street lamp, like a shadow, you’re standing. The night is clear and you can smell the crisped air. Your thoughts drift away to somewhere faraway. The bad news blows your mind. Your heart shatters and you feel like the world is crumbling underneath you.

Ask yourself what you’d feel in both situations.
What kind of feelings would be suitable in both scenes, you would ask?
Solitude, I would answer.

Whether it is a joyous or devastating moment, relaxing or stressful situation, in the middle of nowhere or on the busy street of the city, more than often, I would have this desire to feel a touch. Never mind the passionate embrace, or a loving hug. Never mind cuddling or being watched while falling asleep. If I could get those, that’s fabulous. If not, I’d be satisfied with just a light and tingling feeling of warmth, just a touch, on the hand, on the arm, on the shoulder, a pat on the head or even a heartfelt, invisible feeling of someone sitting next to me, for me to lean on whenever I need the support. Or at least, that's what I told myself.

It gets me thinking, what is it about these trivial physical movements that makes my heart ache? Since when do these become such fancy necessity in my daily life?

I have to make it clear that I had quite a reserved attitude toward physical contact. Growing up in a rather strict environment, I get to appreciate the hug and the touch. Sisters are huggable. Mommy is huggable if you are under age 5. Daddy is not huggable unless he has had some drinks with his friends. Male cousins are not huggable after age 10. Dogs and cats are huggable as long as they don’t end up on your bed. Girlfriends are huggable. Boyfriends are not huggable. The boyfriend does not even make the list. All are touchable except for boyfriends and the secret boyfriend.

I don’t know how I felt when I was first introduced to the liberal view of the hug and the touch. It took me by surprise, made me wonder “Really, I can do that?”

Eventually, it has become part of my life. I thought it was a good thing. There is nothing wrong with showing how we feel for each other. As friends, as lovers, as family, (as Barney), we give each other hugs. We hug when we’re happy, when we’re sad, when we’re angry or even for no reason at all.

There are also numerous other ways to express our feelings physically: holding hands, patting on the head, leaning on shoulders, cuddling, and many more. As humans, our pleasure in touching and holding those we love never cease? Human attachment consists of one person providing another with a safe haven when distressed and a secure base on which to explore. We need someone to stand by us, so that, by their existence, we know of our own. At all ages, we are social creatures. We gain strength when someone offers us, by words and actions, a safe haven: “I will be here. I am interested in you. Come what may, I will support you.” We spend our lives look for the source of that strength.

However, it gets me thinking, will these physical expressions ever lose their meanings from being overused. Once in my life, I thought it must be really special to get a hug. Now, I want more than just a hug to feel special. Or do I not?

Millions, billions, trillions sugar-coated words may not be able to penetrate my rational mind. Nevertheless, one single touch, one degree difference of warmth and my mind goes blank and my heart melts. Isn’t supposed to be only love that brings about the physical attachment? Or is it the physical attachment itself that brings about the feelings? Is it really my heart that wavers, or is it just my body reacts by instinct? It is mysterious. It is confounding. It leaves my feelings bewildered and my mind dazed. If I am already used to this liberal view, then why is it so goddamn irritating? Why is it that I want to unveil the supposedly casual message underlies these casual movements so bad my heart aches

What exactly the hell does a hug convey? What the hell is the logic for my bubbling feeling caused by such a mere touch?
So frustrating …

[az] Oct 09 Song playing: Skin On Skin - Sarah Connor
Just a little bit more love
Just a little bit more passion
This is how it should begin
Skin on skin ...

Heres a true romance
Be aware and take your chance
Tomorrow Im gonna leave you
But I am here for you tonight ....

Just a little getting close
Just a little more affection
Cause I dont think its a sin
Skin on skin

Dont you know that this game is to play
Just as long as its time
Cant you see that my hearts gotta know
When youre gonna be mine
So we better get it on
What is here will soon be gone
When the leaves are falling
Then maybe we could fall apart ....