Daily Note

I thought after all this time I would no longer write about you but here I am again. I try not to because every time I do, it is full of sadness, regrets, anger or frustration. But I like to write because I know once I'm done writing about something, I won't have to be stuck with those thoughts for days. I simply put everything into words, leave them here and move on.

After all this time, I'm still not sure how I really feel, or how we really feel about each other in that matter. I could be lying in bed one Friday night and miss you like I would miss my Starbucks green tea latte. Then I would get dressed, go out, meet a cute guy, and forget all about my pathetic lonely self a few hours earlier. I could be waking up next to you one Sunday morning then get into a fight with you later that night and would refuse to see you again for the next two months. I could be writing you emails that make you run for the hills then the next day I would tell you to stop bother me so I could be with another guy. I am a selfish person. I do everything for myself. However, when it comes to you, I wonder if I really am doing everything for myself, or I am just getting frustrated after days and months of waiting for you to realize what I am to you. 

I hate that I turn into the jealous and sarcastic girl around you. I am never that way around any other guy because I trust all my guys completely, just like how I used to trust you with all my mind. Sometimes I do things that I am not completely proud of, so I believe that it is the same case for everyone. We are all human. We make mistakes. We are all young. We lose control of our minds sometimes and do things that we would like to slap ourselves in the face for the next day. But I always want to believe that no matter what happens, it will always be me whom they come back to in the end. I am a confident girl after all. Yet, when I see you or hear about you with someone else, I have this feeling in my stomach that drains all my energy. I feel that I am such a bad person for having double standards, for having all these thoughts and for getting upset because after all, who am I to you anyway?  "Whatever, I don't care" is my go-to sentence that I always tell myself and others when it comes to these situations. But do I really not? That knot in my stomach tells me that it's more like I don't want to know because I want to stay in denial, to only see what will make me happy and ignore what makes me sad. Then my mind would find reasons for me to look at things on the "bright" side, so that the next time I see you and the next time you put your arms around me, I will continue to live that lie. 

I know why it didn't work out between us and I know, from the bottom of my heart, that it never will. I am strong enough to fake my emotions and pretend like I don't care but not enough to bear all these doubts and pain. I am patient enough to keep forgiving things that you have done to me but not enough to wait for you to realize that I mean more to you than you think. I am selfish enough to want to protect my heart, but not enough to put it beyond everything else in my life and find ways to make you mine. 

I feel like I'm standing on a fragile glass floor that has become so fragile from so many times I stepped back and forth. If I don't move, I will fall and get hurt. If I step forward like I've done multiple times in the past, I could be safe. But at this point, the glass may break the moment I walk away and I would never be able to go back to where I was. Or what if I take a wrong step forward and everything shatters? 

What if in the end, no matter what I do, I would still end up falling and getting hurt? Then what do I do?

"Life has ups and downs. When things keep going down, do a flip and turn it around."

Every time I am going through an emotional rollercoaster, I write, at the risk of putting myself out there, the risk of unveiling myself for all the world to see, at the risk of getting hurt even more. Although, I give myself time to buffer all the turmoil in my head, and my heart - enough time to let go off all the intense emotions, but still plenty of time for them to linger on and do some damages.

I've started to pull out my "In case of Emergency" playlist again - really didn't think I would have to do this so soon. I've been listening to music, looking through old text messages, chat conversations and emails, and broke down in between for a moment or two.

I have always thought that I am quite good at being emotionally detached to things, places and people; or thought that I've beaten myself enough to learn the lesson by now. The fact is, I am independent because I have to. I protect myself because I have to. Growing up having to live through the loneliest moments and hardest situations by myself. while having to put on the strong front for others, I have become how I am now. I learned by harsh reality that I had no one to rely on. Every time I let my guard down and try to give the softer side a chance to come out, nothing good came out of it. However, I admit that I do get attached and become more emotional than I want to. So the moment I feel like my life has fallen into a pattern and starts to become too stable, I switch it up, change things around, go to new places, cut tied strings and move on. All of that so I get into a habit of "getting bored easily", and keep myself under control.

Yet, once in a while, I've done it again.

I'd gone in it, as I usually go into theses things with guys, looking at them as nothing more than bystanders, as temporary witnesses to my life, and for about a few months it worked. Until I started to actually feel. And once I realized this, I felt like running as I always do when these things come about. I felt like running for the hills, for somewhere far away, for my freedom. Yet, with the fear of heartbreak still settling in my stomach, and the feeling of being emotionally scarred nostalgically rising in my throat...I went for it.

I wasn't in love. Let me make that clear.

I'm unsure why I even I let him in, maybe it was to be brave, to finally take a chance with something (or someone), thinking the conventional "you never know unless you try" way. Or maybe I thought I deserved to be happy for once. Or maybe I wasn't even thinking at all, just feeling it. I took a chance, and yet here I am, listening to depressing music and writing depressing entries. How many of these things I had, and will write year after year, I wonder.

Let me make it clear again, I was not "in love" even if it seems like it. I simply liked the guy, and the way I felt when I was with him. 


I've been through worse, I know, but this one really hurts. I think what hurts the most, is not that it's over, or that he still hasn't shown a single sign that he wants me back (or probably he never will). It hurts because I took a risk, gave myself too much credits, took on too much of a challenge, and got beat. Beat down pretty bad. And I know I will get over this one, as I have in the past, but for now I'm thinking of  those who say "Take risks! if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise". Well I've lost, and I'm not feeling very wise, just hurt and a little bit hopeless. Because as much as I read quotes that cheer me on claiming "At least you tried!" I'd rather have not tried at all, I'd rather have stood on the sidelines safely and not have gotten hurt.

But it's too late for that now.

Actually, I take that back. Those months were the happiest months I have been for a very long time, and I would not want to change a thing. But now, I just feel drained and exhausted, and wonder if I would ever be able to do something like this again. I am pretty much back to my old self but still, I feel like a part of myself has gone. It was too much for me. I realize that I started losing control, and I couldn't be the calm and collected person I have always been. And I'm just simply scared that I would be one of those girls. I just can't be one of those girls, ever. Because it's not me, and if I can't be the one he liked me for, I should no longer be with him.

The biggest part of me wants him out of my mind, out of my heart, out of my bones, and I even get angry at myself for thinking of him, remembering him.

Missing him.

I'm not sure there is a point to this entry. I am not writing to ask him to come back to me, nor am I writing to tell him that I am finally moving on. I am simply writing because I still like him. I still like him and I hate myself for it everyday. And that I miss him. 

Been missing him since the moment I said it was over between us.


 Did I give up on us too early? 

Perhaps, after all, my feelings weren't strong enough. Or I wasn't strong enough to keep going, to keep us going.

[az]

sometime, somewhere, someone is looking at their love and saying thank you.

they're looking at them, their face. that familiar face that their lips know as well as their eyes know. every highlight and shadow that make up that gorgeous structure.

the scruff and the little nook where their nose turns into their cheek, the lips that they kiss once before they kiss again over and over.

they're looking at them and saying it with each kiss. they're saying it with each glance into those kind, mischievous, understanding eyes.

they say thank you when their fingers touch and their palms interconnect with each other like pieces of a puzzle.

they say it when they wake up to an arm and a body wrapping its warmth around their arm and their body.

they say it through a shrug of the shoulders. a raised eyebrow. a laugh. a scrunched nose.

they say it through conversations late at night and early morning, when the eyes are closing but the lips open to form a smile

they say it through chat messages and emails, separated by hours of time difference and thousands of miles.

thank you. they say.
thank you for being mine. for not being an asshole. for letting me in. for wanting me as much as i want you. for needing me as i need you.

thank you for you. and for me. and for you and me, together.

for us. thank you for us. 

When the weather is cold outside, and nothing could cheer me up, these girls can.

Untitled 4.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to the teenage years when my time was spent watching sappy Korean movies and chick flicks, when I still believed that love was such a simple thing. It gives me this feeling of something warm, light, fluffy, sweet and innocent - like a cappuccino. 

"And in that short moment with my eyes closed, I will miss you."

Sometimes I gave myself the luxury to enjoy these unreasonably romantic, maybe a little bit childish and vain, lines. It's a good break for the soul, lol. 

But as Carrie Bradshaw has said: "There comes a point in every relationship when romance gives way to reality". Maybe that is the reason why the directors always let the main characters die before they get to that point in order to keep the romance and the fairy tale happily-ever-after ending.  

I don't think I should watch too many Korean movies too often, because yes, I may shed a drop of tear at the ending, but then after the moment past, I just become even more sarcastic and bitter than I've already been =.= 

I guess, once in a while, it doesn't hurt to have a cup of cappuccino for the night, instead of a cosmopolitan.

[az] 

Love Letters of Great Men

Nothing could make your day more than receiving a package, from somewhere that is thousand of miles away, especially in this time and day. I feel like my entire generation has grown to take for granted how lucky they are to be equipped with all types of technology. My sister can talk for her boyfriend three hours a day, three times a day, everyday a week. It doesn't even seem like they are separated by half the world at all. My friend from the US and I can stay on Skype for hours, watching movies together using the "share screen" thing.

Times like these, to get a single card in the mail is enough to make me jump for joy. Imagine how it was for me to get an entire package sent to South Africa, not to mention the package contains a little bit of heaven - the entire collection of all the books written by Candace Bushnell: the original "Sex and the City", the first prequel "Carrie's Diaries" and the latest prequel "Summer in the City" along with a handmade collage. I felt like I was high on cocaine (not that I've ever tried it, but should be somehow similar).

I know I have always been a little bit more than obsessed with Sex and the City and almost no month goes by without me re-watch at least one episode of the show, or one of the movies. However, this week feels like my Sex and the City jackpot week. My friends wanted to stop by the grocery store at the mall to get some snacks before we hit the bowling alley and the casino. Out of the blue, I decided to check out the bookstore, and I saw it. In front of me, on the Winter Sale section, 50% off, was the book that I had been searching for ages, the one that Amazon kept flashing the sign "out of stock" on my screen - "Love Letters of Great Men". Ever since I saw the scene the book on Carrie's hand, in the summer of 2008, I knew I wanted that book. Unfortunately, the book never existed, until another thousands of fans like me went searching for it. A year after the movie came out, they published the collection, with the footnote "inspired by the movie Sex and the City". Why they haven't thought of this later, I have no idea.

My head was in the cloud and my feet was NOT on the ground that afternoon. I bailed out early on the casino night, anticipating that it would turn out to be a long night of drinking and clubbing on Long Street, to head home and indulge myself in the love of the greatest men on Earth.

True, these letters were written in an incredibly old-fashioned way and were not the easiest thing to digest. I don’t know about the ladies back then, but for me, these had to be read in a slowly, word-by-word way so that my mind can break down all the meanings, and after that, I can have enough time to let every words sink in my heart. I decided that since the ladies could only receive one letter every few months, I shouldn't go for more than one or two per day. I couldn't help but cheat and turn to the letter read by Carrie in the movie - written by Beethoven to his "Immortal Beloved".

"Ever thine, ever mine, ever ours."

From the movie (apparently they cut out some parts of the real letter)

Every time I read this line, I feel like there is this beautiful sentiment hanging in the air, and actually give me this feeling of everlasting. There is no "I love you forever", no "I will be with you until my last breath", nothing of that sort. Yet the love is there, and the timelessness is there.

Mr. Big has told Carrie: "These guys had to write. They were separated from their loves by wars and hundreds of miles. I'm right here."

True. I forgot. We don't need those anymore. Even with the distance, we've got Gmail, AIM, Facebook, AT&T, and Skype. Don't get me wrong, there's no one who could appreciate technology more than I do. I mean, I'm typing on a laptop and about to post this on my blog for god's sake. However, to the point that even writers, novelists, lyricists nowadays don't care about how they use the language anymore? Shakespeare plays along with many classic novels are hated to the core because no one could understand what they try to say. Because people actually have to think about the language. Because there are actually meanings behind every sentence, every word, or every punctuation. 

However, sometimes I just wish I could go back to the time when a letter means so much. I wish I could live in the moment when words are not overused and each and every single of them has so much meaning they could shake you to the core.

It is because the people could only send a few thousand words over the course of several months, words had so much more weight and meaning. And here you thought it was so romantic when people said "I love you more than words can say". It is only because they use it too freely, they run out of it.

Have we officially entered a global word crisis, and don't even realize how serious it is, or how unfortunate we are?


Personally, I feel lucky to have these great loves right next to me, on my bookshelf, to remind me to not take words for granted.


[az]

Self-reminder.

The first time we met, I was automatically comfortable around you. It was like I had known you for a long time. It wasn’t awkward, and whenever we had both stopped talking, we didn’t feel the need to fill the silences with stupid small talk. The first time we kissed was like one of those cheesy romantic kisses in chick flicks. I want to puke rainbows as I close my eyes and reminisce, but here we go:

We were lying on your bed, when I felt your fingers run up and down my back. I snuggled closer to you, and I could feel your hot breath on my skin, and your nose touching mine. You put your hand on my waist and pulled me closer. We were teasing each other for a little while until I couldn't take it anymore and initiated the kiss.

Was it cheesy and cliché? Absolutely. Did it feel good? Abso-fucking-lutely.

I really like you, but sometimes I can’t help but remember that time when we disappeared from each other's life for almost two months.. Eventually I thought of you less as time went on, and I accepted the fact that you were pretty much just another guy passing through in my life. I deleted every trace of you from my life (well, most of it), and moved on. Even though I still thought of you at times, I was honestly ok with it.

But guys have a funny way of worming their way back into your life once you’ve forgot all about them…

You’re back now. And yes, I brushed it off. You make me happy. In fact, I’m the happiest I’ve been in awhile. You tell me all the time how much you really like me and all I can't believe I smile and blush like a freakin’ 6 year old girl (thanks god you're not next to me to see this). There’s still so much I don’t know about you, but I love learning things about you. Falling asleep in your arms made me felt happy. The way you fussed about the food you cooked for me made me laugh. Reading your emails brightens up my days. I could go down the list, but you get the picture. In love? No. In like? Yes, very much so.

I hope you won't read this and think so highly of yourself, but most likely you will come across this anyway. Then, I hope someone will catch you staring at your computer screen, smiling like an idiot while reading this. 

I want to be in your arms.

[az]

[A reminder for myself and my stupid ADD heart that miles away, there's someone who cares]

Your Best Worst Love Advice

Here are some impossible little pieces of advices that were given:
[A competition to win a T-shirt from Garance Dore]

Move your body :

• If you want to seduce a man, pretend like you’re redoing your lipstick while sucking on and licking your finger. As told to Luisa.

• Roll your eyes (Darlene Conley style), throw back vigorously your hair, move your right hand in circles above your cleavage and give him a sexy wink. To be done simultaneously. As told to Anna.

• When on a date, order the spiciest thing you can, it’ll make your lips look fuller. As told to Sheila.

Do whatever :

• For the first date, always carry a wig and dark sunglasses in your bag. That way, if it’s awful, excuse yourself to the bathroom, don your disguise and GTFO!!! He’ll never know. As told to Ava.

• If you’re curious whether or not you’re in love with your man, cheat on him. If you don’t feel guilty at all, you don’t love him anymore. If you feel guilty then it’s love and don’t worry he’ll never know you did it. —> Sent in by an Italian fried who has an official lover in Barcelona, another in Paris, and another in rehab. As told to Anne-Sophie.

• So listen up, the best thing to do is to go on your first date completely drunk. That way for sure something will work. As told to Clarisse.

Be totally detached :

• Just be distant and a little jaded. —-> He thought think that I was not into him and ended up someone I hate! As told to Clem.

• Just give him some space. He’ll come back. —-> It’ll be 10 years in February 2011….. As told to Leopoldine.

Be a little trashy :

• Find a guy. Get yourself right in front of him and simply say, “Wanna fuck?” Works every time. As told to Anne.

• Dolly, it’s too bad you don’t smoke. If you smoked, you could go up to a guy and ask him for a light. And then bam, right away, you’ve met a guy. As told to Dolly.

• If you want to know if he’s the right guy, it’s like with clothes. You have to try him to know if he’s good on you. As told to Gipsy.

And definitely listen to your friends who have your best interests in mind :

• Don’t worry, he won’t do that after you’re married. As told to Jan

• So I think you get it that the youngins aren’t so much into you, but a more mature man totally is. Why don’t you stop heading over to Baron and maybe try, oh I dunno, Ladurée just to take a look? As told to Louise.

• Don’t dump him. You’re too old to find someone else now. As told to Efi.

• He’s not that ugly. Just wait you’ll get used to it. As told to Ljubica.

Or listen to the ones coming directly from your man, so full of love…

• We should have a baby, but keep living in our seperate apartments. That’s how they do it in Europe. I think it would help our relationship. As told to Lauren.

• If you want unconditional love, buy yourself a dog! As told to Ioana.

And finally, the best of the worst advice, because unlike most of the ones above, these have a touch of truth in them. Advice given by Delphine‘s aunt, married 20 years :

• Every night I tell Xavier that he’s quite the lucky man to have married me. And can you even imagine, he totally believes it !

Came across Garance Dore's blog today and you know what I did the entire afternoon. She's amazing, check it out --> http://www.garancedore.fr/en

[az] 

Bad Girl

"A lot of people are afraid to say what they want. That's why they don't get what they want."

- Madonna -

Living the tourist life

As people are coming back and I'm slowing easing into the social life, I feel a whole lot better. I'm too much of a social person to be lying in bed all day by myself going crazy about the internet that wouldn't let me log on.

I moved into the house that I'll be living for the next two weeks, with Wesley the RA and Megan, my housemate. They are so outgoing and funny, they make my day everyday. Every nights when we all get home, we will all be sitting at the kitchen counter, eating dinner and having our laptops open to share the stories of our lives. It's only been three days but I've already felt a homely atmosphere among the three of us. It makes me feel at ease, like I have nothing to worry about cuz I always have Wes there to help me out. He gives out the feeling of an older brother and a friend at the same time, I'm going to miss him so much when I have to move out in two weeks.

I went out the first time on Friday night and met the rest of the people in the same program. The majority of us are from Rochester, and it was a relief to see some familiar faces. Although, it makes me secretly wish that I have had dragged some of my good friends from Rochester with me, then we can double the fun of the experience. But actually, when I think about it carefully, it's better to make more friends.  The night life here can't get any better. There are clubs and bars everywhere we go, from the most high class, luxurious Latino ones to the most sketchy ones, from strip clubs to gay bars. I feel like this city never sleeps. One can run into any types of people here: tourists, locals, students, workers, etc. and from any races Americans, Europeans, Africans, Americans, etc. It makes the clubs interesting because they serve such a wide range of population. They play every types of music from techno, electric, hip hop, R'n'B to ouse, latino, etc. I've never heard that much Shakira played at clubs in my life.

Sunday, we spent the entire day on a tour around the island. Now I truly understand why Cape Town was given the title "one of the places with the bluest sky". The ocean and the sky here are unbelievably blue it made my heart aches. I can also say that I've been to the most Southern tip of the Africa continent. We passed by many towns and cities on our way and my observation earlier was confirmed. This city is the combination of British, African, Mexican, Indian and French culture, reflected through the architecture and also the food. I love how the houses are built along the hills and along the beaches. I have seen many of these in architecture magazines and catalogues but this was the first time I see them with my own eyes. Also, the cafes and restaurants along the beaches gave me such a Mexican/Florida feeling. I made a mental note to myself that at some point during this trip, I shall come here for a leisure Sunday brunch or dinner to watch the sunset. It is kind of  a waste the the water is fairly cold for any activities. Being here actually gave me the feeling of being at different parts of the world at the same time. There is the luxurious life with all the breath-taking view and the amazing buildings, and there are also the less developed towns that we all imagine of when we think of Africa. We got to watch a performance put together by a bunch of local kids. There wasn't any costumes, fancy stages or expensive equipments. However, their dances had so much fire and attitude, they blew my mind. This place has so much culture, art and music, I feel like it never sleeps.

I met this guy who lives next door and who writes fusion hip hop music and also lyrics for rap songs. A conversation with him gave me all the essence of his trip in Cape Town and it made me looking forward to such a great experience myself.

I know there will be all the culture shock and there will be moments when I get frustrated with schools, stressed with classes and fed up with people, but I know in the end it will be all worth it. This time for Africa, let's live it :)

 [az]

Sunrise on a new horizon

I almost cried, when I found out that morning that I was only allowed to bring 20kg to Africa with me. I guess I was mad spoiled travelling to the US, where I can bring >50kg most of the time. After a hard time of figuring out what to take and to leave behind, I was wondering how I am supposed to bring stuff from Africa back with only that much allowed. Guess I will have to figure that out later.

Arriving at Singapore airport at 4pm in the afternoon, I was super excited. I have some major shopping that needed to be done. First thing is a camera. I've been putting a hold on getting one for a while, and now I really don't want to be in Singapore and to arrive in Africa without one ready, so I decided to buy one at the airport. After picking out some option, I decided to go with a Pentax chrome. It was a tough decision since I've always wanted a purple camera, but oh well, quality comes first. I spent the rest of the time, as in an hour and a half, at the Perfumes and Cosmetics store. I love whoever thought of duty free cosmetics. I walked out of the store with a new Juicy Couture perfume and way-too-much make up products. I was so tempted to buy Bleu de Chanel cologne just because I love the smell so much, but I ended up getting a few sample strips and put them in my wallet, lol.

The next exciting thing that I was dying for was Starbucks. I haven't had my favorite Green Tea latte for two months and just the thought of it made me feel all warm and happy inside. Sipping the beloved drinks, reading Gone with the Wind and listening to music, I was waiting for my best friend to get out of school so we could hang out. We only met at weird places this summer, instead of in the city, was what we told ourselves and laughed at.

I did feel like it was the last day of my summer though, especially since Morgan had already had to work on school work and being busy and all that. We went out for food, came back to her place to drop off stuff and rest, then walked around in the center district shopping at random stores and did lots of talking. Our original plan was her finishing her coloring homework and I helped her with it, but it kind of failed since Starbucks was way too crowded.

Leaving Morgan's apartment at around midnight to catch my flight, I swear I still hadn't felt the excitement yet. It was like the fact that I was going somewhere completely different to study wouldn't hit my mind. For some reason, I kept feeling like I was just going back to the US.

Thirteen hour of the flight went by like a breeze because I slept like a dead person. I woke up to the sunrise, on a completely different horizon. The couple sitting next to me, before leaving for the stop at Johannesburg, turned to me and said: "You will be fine. Don't worry. Cape Town is a really great place." Only then did it occur to me that I was going to a place completely unfamiliar and that I knew nothing about, and I started to feel excited.

I looked out the tiny window and in front of my eye was this scenery of nature and vastness. I smiled to myself because there was something about it that was exactly like how I imagined Africa would look like: with the brown safari and landscape that runs toward the horizon. Then I saw the ocean, the mountains, and the seaside town that I knew I was going to spend the next five months at. It was like I fell in love with this place at first sight: the vast blue sky, the blue mountains, the colorful house blocks, the brown grass, etc. And I thought to myself, I would have the time of my life here.

I arrived at the house where I was going to spend the next 2 weeks at before moving to another one. The architecture is so different than anywhere else I've been to. There is something so exotic about it. My RA and another friend came by and picked me up to take me to campus for a short tour. After hills and hills and hills, the campus slowly appeared on top of the mountain. I was warned about this by my friends who had studied here, but to see it with my own eyes were something completely different. It was breath-taking, and beautiful. The buildings gave me the feeling like they are made out of simple clay with the signature brown-greenish color, although the inside is fairly new and modern. Architecture is such a key to everything.

Sitting across my study abroad advisor, signing my life away on pages and pages of paper that includes phone bills, internet bills, electricity bills and other safety guide, I started to feel nervous and scared. Even in the US, I never really had to pay for anything on my own, everything is taken care off. All the money I have goes toward my extra spending like clothes, electronics or anything of my entertainment. I never have to worry about what other people consider as bare necessity in life: food, electricity, heat, communication, etc. I wasn't overwhelmed with information and I, as a person with no sense of direction, started to wonder how the hell I was going to get around in this huge campus and city, adding the fact that people kept telling me to be aware of the surroundings and not to walk around after dark.

I got to my RA's place, who was terribly hungover from last night so I let her rest. I did get my cell phone and being able to talk to my mom and to text my boyfriend made me feel a little bit better. However, I still couldn’t get my computer to work because they have crazy plugs here and I don't have a converter yet. Lying in a strange bed, with no one to talk to and nothing to do, with all the worries about how I was going to survive the next few months, I felt utterly scared and alone. The odd thing was, this wasn't the first time I had experienced these feelings. I guess I didn’t matter whether I was 21, or 19, or 17, or 16, I still got scared being by myself at an unfamiliar way. At one point, I did wonder why I did this to myself, to leave Rochester and to come here. If I was in Rochester, a simple phone call and I would have someone to pick me up at the airport, take me out for food, sleep in my own bed sheets, blankets and pillows, go out for parties and be with my friends. I don’t even know how to cook , how am I gonna feed myself, consider the fact that I had people cooked for me all the times in Rochester. Jeez, now I have to wait another 6 months for all that good things to happen. Or I could have been at home, in my own bed, with my mom's cooking and have nothing to worry about but whom I should call tonight and which coffee shop we should go to. I wanted to pick up the phone and call my parents but that would just make them worry for no reason and this wasn't the first time I've been abroad anyways. I wanted to call my boyfriend but that would just make me so dependent, and he wouldn't be able to do anything regardless.

I guess that was my moment of solitude and homesick (both Vietnam and US). I felt so much better after my friends here came pick me up to take me out for dinner and shop for everything I need, including a converter for my laptop. I received tons of emails and facebook comments from friends, wishing me luck and asking about my well-being and such. I definitely was just feeling down due to lack of communication because I felt so much better after getting the internet. (On a side note, texts and email from my bf as long as a chat this morning did make me feel a whole lot better.) Now the excitement is back. I mean, I'm still worried about things that will happen but I'm sure I will be just fine. I have been independent all my life and managed to live well and happily up until now. As soon as all my friends on the program get back from their field trip, I'm sure I will be back in the social network. I'm ready for a new experience. It's not going to be easy but I'm sure it'll be worth it.

Hopefully I'll be able to write less depressing entries and more exciting ones in the near future. 


(I didnt take any pics of the campus due to circumstances, I'll update later)

[az]

'Tis another summer.

The summer of my sophomore year is coming to an end. On first thought, I felt like nothing has changed:  travelling, coffee shops with friends, shopping, spa, facial, dinners, drinks, summer flings, etc. And I see myself complaining about how bored I am at home and that I have nothing to do with myself. Yet, there are certain things that crossed my mind, making me realize that I am no longer the child I used to be.

My cousin from Germany came back to visit us out of the blue, and surprised the heck out of everyone. The last time I saw him was more than ten years ago, when I was still in elementary school. Taking him out on a night in Saigon and sitting across him at a fancy restaurant, having a talk about career and marriages made me realize how fast time had passed by. I remembered the time when I was the little girl, always stayed at home by myself, always wishing that I had a brother to play with and to protect me. I hung on to my cousins like a puppy because they treated me like … their baby sister. I thought they were so tall, so handsome, so smart, and I looked up to them with all my heart. Now, sitting in front of me is just another average guy, with an ordinary career and an average look. I still respect them and still have the affection towards them as if they are my brothers, but the superhero-like admiration no longer exists. Suddenly, I realize, I can now stand tall up to their shoulders (with heels) and I find myself unconsciously compared them to my guys, and conclude that my guys are better (what a childish thing to do of me). I no longer seek for protection from them.

Without my job, I feel so unproductive and so out of the network. I miss my students, because teaching them gave me a feeling of being helpful, using my knowledge and skills that I have learned. In the end, I decided to come visit them one day at their Leadership Camp. When I got there, my students were sitting in groups, intensely debating about their projects and carefully listened to the counselors feedbacks later. Lunch time, they rushed through their meals and got back to their rooms to get ready for the presentation in the afternoon. My colleagues and I visited each of the team to watch their rehearsals and helped them if they needed us. Looking at these teenagers trying their best, with their accented-English, bright ideas and laughters when something funny was said reminded me of how I was six years ago. I looked up to other people the way they looked up to me now. I was asked the same questions that I myself have asked long time ago. They complimented me on my results as I admired others' results. "I heard about your university. I really want to get in there, but I heard it's really hard to get in", one of my students told me. I smiled, and told her that exactly what we, me and my colleagues, were here for, to help them get into the school they wanted to. I agreed to teach last year because I wanted the money (the wages by hour is suppper good), but I realized that not only I can support myself now, I have grown into a person that can be helpful to those younger than me, that I have something I can be proud of, and that I can accomplish more because there will always be these kids who look up to me and need my advice.

Whenever I tell people I'm going to South Africa to study this year, I receive a raise of an eyebrow and a question full of surprised: "Why South Africa?" I simply answer: "Because it looks like fun". That, indeed, was part of the reasons why I chose the country, but was neither the only nor the most important reason. I visited my parents' friend at one of the best and popular hospitals in Ho Chi Minh City this afternoon, and just looking at the place, and the people there made me feel like I did not make a wrong decision. More than often, I bury myself away in fashion blogs, in Chanel products, admiring pretty outfits and luxurious houses, and doubt myself about my own passion. But moments like these bring me back to reality, to the real me who has set the goal for my career. I want to travel, to join a non-profit organization such as Peace Corps, Doctors without Borders, Emergency, etc. and to be on field where people need me the most. I won't be able to wear True Religion jeans, DKNY tank tops, Christian Louboutin heels, or Chanel bags. I won't be on vacations at amazing resorts with beaches and pools, sipping cocktails while reading a novel. It is going to be ugly. It is going to be stressful and I will get sick of being tired. I mean, I am complaining about orgo classes and biochem right now, how can I even think of overcome those? However, somewhere deep inside me, I just can't give up on my dream yet. My mind can't see myself doing anything but that. Certain parts of my body still ache when I see all these sad and disgusting things happen in front of my eyes, and I want to be able to touch and turn those sad and disgusting things into something happy and beautiful. I want to go to South Africa and work my ass off on field and to find my passion. If I can't find my passion there, then I will have to search for another one. But I believe I will find it, no matter what.

It is already that time when my dad talks about retirement, my mom thinks about moving closer to us to "take care of the grandkids", my older sister gets ready for her wedding, and my younger sister is worried about getting into college. Even the house that I have been living in for the past 21 years, for all my life, will no longer be there when I get back one day. I still can't believe the idea that we have to move. It is not the picture of a smaller and less comfortable house that scares me. It is the fact that things that seem impossible to change actually changes that does. Look around me, now I am already a 3rd year in college, leaving home to some foreign country to find my passion, I hang out with people who makes millions of dollars per year and run their own business, I have to take care of and sign pages and pages of financial paper that worth thousands of dollars, my best friends are living with their boyfriends/girlfriends and thinking about marriage.

 I am no longer the girl I used to be.

It was a blink of an eye, but it is happening. And I will have to deal with whatever comes forth, independently and with confidence. 

[az]

Last day of Summer '11

"In the end, you just want to be with the one who makes you laugh"

[az]

July 7th, 1:34am

100 things to do when you're feeling down (or you're just really bored)

Here are some ideas to help kick a rotten day to kingdom come…

•  Do something good for someone else, even though you may not want to. Do a favour, help them find something, give them an item which will help them in some way. Start the flow of positive energy.
• Eat the best chocolate you can get your hands on. In bed. Or in the bath.
• Turn up music you really love. Play it so loudly that it soaks in through your skin. Dance in your pyjamas. Feel the pain lift.
• Have a romance in your head.
• Volunteer.
• Buy a remote control for your camera & dip your toes into the pool of narcissism.
• Call a friend & ask them if they want to have a slumber party.
• Throw yourself head-first into a creative project. Something that you’re excited about but which feels a little too big for you. You’ll be so consumed by it that it will fuel you for ages.
• Do the splits. Or at least try. (Be gentle though!)
• Sing. Loudly. Badly. Off-key. Whatever you like. It works. The last time I was on my way somewhere really nerve-wracking, I was in a cab. The radio was playing & I was so anxious that the only way I could distract myself was by singing along. Loudly. The driver probably thought I was a total nut but I didn’t care & it did the trick!
• Cover your entire body in cocoa butter & fall asleep.
• Drink 2 litres of fizzy drink (pop, soda, you know) & stay up until sunrise.
• Write a list of things that you appreciate right now, in the present moment. Focus on each of them & let the love inside you well up. Even when things appear to be going really, really badly, there are always things to be happy about. (That’s one of the reasons why we do Things I Love Thursday — to help bring your attention back to the positive.)
• Indulge in your “guilty pleasures”, whatever they are. (Old episodes of America’s Next Top Model, ginger ale, chocolate cake, romantic comedies, etc.) --> Sex and the City for me
• Send a text message to one of the most interesting people you know — maybe someone you don’t know that well, just to say hello.
• Order delivery food, just to bask in the glory of the fact that if you pay people, they will come to your door. With food. Warm, good food. What an age we live in, huh?
• Look through old photos. With a friend if possible. If it’s an old friend, you can reminisce (“Oh my god, do you remember when we did that?!”), & if it’s a new friend, you can tell grand stories (“Well, let me tell you about this guy…”)
• Listen to old Motown hits. Come up with dance moves. Wear something sparkly & work it out. (DJ Z-Trip’s Motown Breakdown is an excellent time, too.)
• Write a gruellingly personal entry for your blog dissecting every aspect of the situation which has upset you so much. Post it, don’t post it, whatever, just get it out of your system.
• Plan a holiday.
• Write a ridiculous online dating profile & marvel at the people who come out of the woodwork. (“Oh, a threesome with you & your wife in New Jersey? Sign me up!”)
• Spend an hour in your variety store of choice, set yourself a budget ($20?) & buy some junk. Lip treatments, candy, maybe an exfoliating scrub… Then go home & play with your new purchases. There’s a reason it’s called retail therapy, you know (though of course, it doesn’t last).
• Wear a fake moustache all day.
• Think up nicknames for all your friends, then send them each postcards to alert them.
• Think back on the last really good sex you had. Think about it for an hour. Then do something else.
• Go out for a milkshake.
• Appreciate the dinosaur bones at your favourite museum.
• Grab a friend, dress up like tourists & go & do all the really schlocky things on offer in your city. Take LOTS of photos, & be sure to flash the peace sign in 70% of them.
• Stick little crystals on something you use every day. (Wallet, light-switch, key-ring, boots?)
• Buy a new pair of sunglasses or non-prescription frames. It’s a super-easy (& often relatively cheap) way to evolve your look. Plus sunglasses make for excellent on-the-fly disguises.
• Go to a yoga class. Surrender & breathe deep.
• Put on your favourite pair of high heels & walk up & down your bedroom/hallway doing your best Miss J impersonation. Have a friend or neighbour who is willing to humour you offer critique. “Girl, you walk like a busted-down freight-train.”
• Write multiple lists of everything you want. Material possessions, relationships, work, lifestyle, everything. Pin them up by your door so you see them all the time.
• Go through Urban Dictionary & find some fun/ridiculous new words to add to your vocabulary.
• Make yourself the biggest ice-cream sundae you’ve ever seen. Decorate it with hot fudge sauce, whipped cream, sprinkles, nonpareils, whatever you like. Take a photo. Give it a name (“Jane’s Orgasmatron Cardiac Arrest Sundae”). Devour. Maybe without using your hands. Take a photo of that too.
• Get your eyebrows shaped.
• Spend an hour in a department store sniffing perfume samples. When you find something you like, spray it on a card & drop it in your purse.
• Try break-dancing.
• Watch videos of flamboyant, successful people like Elton John or Michael Jackson & marvel.
• Eat animal crackers.
• Drink through a straw all day. If you get your hands on a straw which matches your outfit, so much the better.
• Plan a party with a theme that makes you feel really, really happy.
• Write a letter to yourself in the future. Then hide it. Maybe in the pocket of a coat you never, ever wear.
• Leave the house wearing just fabulous lingerie underneath a coat. With heels. (Note: if you are a man you may get accused of being a flasher if you do this. The world is cruel sometimes.)
• Pull a Kid CuDi & announce your retirement from the world of something. Like cooking, or vocal communication. Announce your unretirement whenever you feel like it.
• Buy a harmonica & annoy the hell out of everyone while you learn how to play it.
• Go wig shopping.
• Choose a festival to go to, invite some friends, & start making plans.
• Add diamantes to your manicure.
• Hula hoop.
• Buy some really good art for your walls. Posters, prints, original artwork or other. If you’re feeling impoverished, go to the library, check out some art books, then take huge, great quality photocopies at a copy shop.
• Listen to Never Better by P.O.S. from start to finish & revel in what a great album it really is.
• Load up your ipod & go for a walk through your favourite park.
• Visit a cool toy store & make your friend a surprise package.
• Reach out to the people who inspire you but who don’t know you exist.
• Write the birthdays of your personal heroes in your planner & work out a way to honour them on that day.
• Pie.
• Color your hair. (You can always dye it back.)
• Notice where you hold tension in your body & let it go. 
• Visit some kind of religious institution & observe a service.
• Bake heart- or bunny-shaped cookies. Give them away.
• Be graceful.
• Be graceless
• Make a video diary.
• Answer questions with questions.
• Try on a pair of really, really expensive shoes & act like you’ll be back tomorrow, but you’re just going to go home & think about it. (Bonus points: take a photo of you in them. Often you will need to be stealthy about this but it’s worth doing.)
• Record yourself trying to recite the alphabet while vigorously brushing your teeth.
• Flirt with entirely inappropriate people.
• Sing into your friend’s answering machine. 
• Pour pancakes in the shape of your initials. Eat them while watching dance competition on television.
• Make friends with your neighbours.
• Think about how great it would be to name a shaggy dog “Toupee”.
• Go to an audition just for the experience.
• Tell someone cute, “You’re cute”.
• Sit in a sauna with a stack of fashion magazines & sweat it out. 
• Find a secret place with a great view. Like a tree, or a rooftop, or a hill.
• Go & see a musical (or just rent one).
• Be optimistic.
• Buy ridiculous slippers.
• Make a list of the things you want to do to celebrate the upcoming season.
• Lie down in the sunshine.
• Pretend to be a dancer in a music video as you perform mundane tasks. Jiggle your way from the bathroom to the kitchen, shake it while you wait for your toast to pop, booty bump while you pick an outfit.
• Go to an aquarium & take photos of the jellyfish.
• Watch movies you used to love as a child.
• Book a karaoke room with friends & sing your heart out.
• Make a list of practical, actionable ways you can improve your situation.
• Start keeping a dream journal & write down their supposed meanings, too.
• See if you can develop an appreciation for a band or a style of music you’ve never liked before.
• Write a play.
• Go to vintage stores looking for fabulous old typewriters.
• Write the stuff you like about your body on your body with a marker.
• Change your ring-tone to the sound of one of your friends laughing hysterically.
• Watch videos of Robin Williams or Eddie Murphy.
• Listen to Divine Harvest by The Mae Shi. Don’t be worried, everything will turn out fine. Don’t be worried, friend just put your hand in mine.
• Take a nap with your head at the other end of the bed.
• Walk around a garden centre & buy a colourful plant. Give it a name.
• Go somewhere that people walk their dogs & make friends with some fluffy creatures.
• Hug your friends.
• Tell someone everything.
• Believe that everything is always getting better.

[Source: galadarling]

The orange ones are the one that I actually tried, and yes, they did make me feel a whole lot better and more enthusiastic about things. Gotta try more <3