Love letter to myself

For me to read whenever I feel lonely and unloved,

I think that everyone looks for love and it’s common, but for love to find you is what’s special. I think that love means something different to each person walking on this earth, for some it’s to find peace, for some it’s to not feel so alone, and for some it’s to find a partner; someone to love life with. For me I don’t think I’m ready to find love again. I want to fall in love with myself first. I want to experience the world on my own and know what that feels like before I let someone in on it.

In my opinion, you have to do that first or you don’t know what it feels like when you fall in love. That life-altering shift in your gut that tells you that you couldn’t live any other way and you don’t know how you thought life was enough before. I want to experience moments. I want to know that I never took anything for granted and even if no one else was there for me, I was there for myself. This is a love letter to me.

Fall in love with the way that you’re not perfect. Love the way that there are things about you that people will want to change, but be happy that they only want to do that because those things make you unique. Fall in love with the lines in your hands that will one day hold the hand of your better half. But first fall in love with the face that looks back at you every day and know that she is more than enough. There is no one else on the face of this earth that is like her. No one has been through what you’ve been and no one can see the way you see the world and the way it looks from your eyes; eyes that will draw the right one in at the right time.

Be foolish, hold your breath and count to ten and jump. Whether it’s into something new or whether it’s fixing something old and broken. But do everything with your heart. Live through your gut, then your heart, and then check in with your head. I’m sure that everyone thinks it’s impossible to live with no regrets but you can change that. Live everyday like you have a life threatening disease. Don’t wait for something to go wrong to start living. Be foolish and be hungry. Never let your desire to explore diminish in your pursuit of success. Always choose moments because those are the things you’ll look back on, and not the balance in your bank account. If you want to live on a vineyard when you’re older, do it. If you want to play the organ in a cathedral and cry because it sounds so beautiful, do it.

Never let the opinions of others or the fear of judgment or embarrassment dictate your choices. There wouldn’t be judgment without jealousy. Go to New York City and walk around aimlessly just to explore and have an adventure. Remember to take chances because they will eventually expire. Life has an expiration date. Everything dies because it’s what makes living worthwhile; the idea that you only have one chance to do it right. Follow your heart, wherever it may lead, wherever you may go, know that it will always take you where you need to be. Even if you feel lost know that it’d be easier to live life if you knew how it would end, but that’s what makes it interesting.

So listen to the songs that make your heart break and dance to the ones that make your toes tingle with excitement. Savor a sweet treat or a good meal with friends and family. Be thankful for everything because no one else has what you have. You’ve been given the gift of a life anyone would be lucky to live. So don’t get bogged down by the stresses of everyday life, they were meant to throw you off. As they say, sailing wouldn’t be fun if the water were entirely smooth. Life is an adventure, so throw on your big girl pants and live your life your way and don’t apologize for that.

2013: The year in Review

I can't believe the last time I wrote anything was in September. I have been seriously neglecting my writing. However, I do realize that I only write when things aren't going great in life, whether it is work, family, or relationships. When things go right, I just cruise along and forget that I do have a place to go back to.

It's been a year, and I felt like there has been so many things happened last year that it was literally like a blur to me. This may be the most unoriginal and cliche way of writing a New Year entry blog, but I am going to do it anyway, because the feeling of taking a trip down memory lane and looking at all the highlights of your year is pretty amazing. That way I feel like I can make sure I don't forget anything important that happened to me. So here it goes:

I was lucky to spend most of January at home with warm sun, beaches, good food and great company last year. I was surrounded with friends and family, not knowing how cold and lonely it would be spending the holidays in Rochester by myself. I guess that what growing up means. Sometimes you just can't be the little kid and run back home to your parents anymore because there are things you have to do.

The rest of my last semester in college was filled with Sigmas, Greek life and school work. I can't really say that I was 100% focus on my studying but I was glad to graduate with a decent GPA, a handful of experience and a job lined up for this year. Compared to all my friends who are still struggling to find jobs, I am actually quite lucky. I also know that I have put lots of efforts and worked extra hard to get to where I was so I am proud of myself to be where I am right now. My last semester was quite fulfilling. I got to do what I have always wanted for Sigma and for me, to guide these girls through the process and have them become our members filled with excitement and enthusiasm was the best reward for me. I felt like my decision to join this organization, though was an impulsive one, was the best decision of my college career. I couldn't imagine how my college years would be if I wasn't a Sigma. I got to meet so many people and have grown so much in terms of my personality. It made my college years quite eventful. And although it was the last semester, I surprisingly met so many new people. Although our friendship wasn't something that lasts throughout college, it continues after college and I am more than happy to still have them in my life right now.

Looking back, I think 2013 was a year of so many major changes for me. I graduated from college, started a new job and tried to settle in with the idea of becoming an adult. I moved to a new apartment, got a new car, adopted a pet (something I never thought I would ever be able to), and got a tattoo. I felt like I'm step-by-step walking into the real world. And it's scary. There were moments when I got frustrated and nervous that I had to go through all these things on my own without my parents being here to help out. However, I also realize that I am capable of more than I thought I could. I also realize that the friends who I have made throughout the past four years will always be there for me. Just like how we used to help each other with homework and lab assignments, we will always be there to help each other with other things in life.

2013 was a lot of traveling for me, and it was the part that made me the happiest. Every chance I got, I took off to California, New York, Boston, Chicago, etc. Road trips bring friends together. It also makes me realize that I have so many homes away from home where everyone is willing to take me in, to spend their time despite being busy to be with me. When you don't have an actual family to come home to, you count on those families that you make for yourself.

People always say that among career, money and love, you can only have 2. My mom always tells me that if life seems to give you 2 out of 3, your last one is going to be a mess. I can't say that I was doing well financially, but I never do well with money, something I definitely needs to work on .... I have no complain about my career. I know what I want to do and I have a job that allows me to pay for things I want to do. But surprisingly, my relationship is not that bad either. Of course, there are still all the ups and downs that every relationship entails and of course there were certain moments when I lost myself and didn't know what to do. However, I was solid on ground. I wasn't all over the place. I knew what I wanted and I stayed with it. At this time last year, a certain guy came into my life and I wasn't sure if I wanted anything to do with him. I was scared of getting myself into another complication that I could never got myself out of. I turned him down, over and over, to protect myself. He was persistent. On Valentine's, when he told me "I know you have gone through terrible things in relationships before, but that doesn't mean you can't be happy", I knew I needed to give him a chance, to give myself a chance. And I was happy. When one door opens in your life, the other door closes. I was sad that I had to let one go, and I am still sad, but I also learned that I can't have everything I want all the time. Sometimes, life is about choices and I have to make the decision. There are still things I am not sure about and there are still things between us that I am scared to even think about. To be honest though, he keeps me grounded. He keeps me calm, and he keeps me from being the chaotic person that I have always been. I'm leaving Rochester soon and I learn to not let myself attach to anything, so for now, I think I am happy with what I have.

This year, I got a tattoo, as a reminder to myself that it is me who I have to think about first. It seems selfish, but if I don't take care of myself, I can't take care of anyone else. I have also been on this fitness journey and I am so proud of what I have accomplished. Gotta continue to be a fan of Casey Ho.

What do I want for 2014? 

All my grad school applications have been submitted. I am looking forward to end this year strong and to be able to move to a new point in life. I want to meet new people, learn new things and continue to live life the fullest. I want to continue finding my passion.

I think at this point I pretty much no who I am as a person, and I have no desire to change that. I just want to put my feet on the ground and start walking as the whole person that I have found. Spontaneous, but not chaotic. Take chances, but not risking anything that is important to me. I believe I will find that one person who will handle the spontaneous me .

I will spend more time with friends, and with my family. I will care for my friends more and be there for them, instead of trying to find 10,000 friends. Because at the end of the day, the people who will be there for me will be these handful of pain-in-the-ass people.

I will take care of myself better, spend more time treating myself to nice things and be healthy.

I will check out new places in the world, and make plans in the future to travel more. There are so many countries I want to travel to, and new horizons I want to see.

2013 was a good year. I'm excited to see what 2014 brings.

Az
Dec 30, 2013

Fall is (almost) here!

I woke up this morning curled up under two layers of blankets, and did not want to get out of bed at all. This was one of those September mornings that I had to put on my leggings and the warm and comfy hoodie. Fall weather is here already. It just hit me that summer is really coming to the end. 

Well, while I'm looking forward to layer up and embrace the fall with all my favorite boots and scarves, I still want to make the most out of summer before it disappears. Hence, here comes the check list

 Take lots of photos of you and your friends enjoying the weather. Bonus points if you use an Instax or Polaroid camera!

 Wear something totally inappropriate and go out dancing. Stay up ‘til dawn.

 Make at least one new friend.

 Lie in bed in the morning, with the windows open and good music playing loudly.

 Flirt with someone of the same sex.

 Take a dog for a walk (if you don’t have one, borrow someone else’s!).

 Go for an outdoor run

 Kiss someone new!

 Choose a project to start working on over winter…

 Get a deluxe spa pedicure. Try not to wriggle too much when they scrub your tootsies!

 Do pilates outdoor on the grass

 Throw a party in celebration of how goddamn fabulous you are.

 Make a point of wearing all of your favourite summer dresses.

 Stock up on jangly bracelets and unusual rings at a flea market.

 Take some risks, and make a couple of choices which make you nervous.

 Go for a bike ride with your best friend.

 Rock a fabulous sun-hat while you still can.

 Go bare-legged as often as possible!

 Sneak into a swimming pool.

 Spend some quality alone time in saucy underwear.

 Go skinny-dipping with your BFF.

 Make a commitment to wearing heels at least one day a week.

 Lie around in the grass with your sunglasses and a pair of headphones on. Bliss.

 Buy flowers and arrange them yourself.

 Swear off drama!

 Make a mixtape which commemorates your summer.

Daily Note

That feeling when you realize you may like someone more than you planned to and start freaking out about your behaviors.....

Daily Note

Have you ever had that feeling when you want to believe something so badly that it hurts? But then the fact that you still have doubts even though you want to believe troubles you even more? It's like I am stuck in this intersection and voices from all directions telling me different things. I'm lost and confused and even more frustrated because I don't know whom to believe, even myself. 

After all, people only see what they want to believe, and believe in what they want to see. 

Things I love, and hate, Thursday

1. I'm moving to a new apartment on Saturday, which means lots and lots and lots of packing. Last night, I went through all my college notes and realized that it really is over. It was a bittersweet feeling throwing things away. It was like closing another chapter of my life. I always have trouble letting go of the past.

2. Moving to a new apartment also means that I get to decorate my room all over again. I am actually excited for my new room since I saved several paychecks for all the furniture. Exceptionally excited about these pillows.

3. It has been said that among relationships, money and career, you can only have the most two out of three at one time. I feel like I'm dealing with so much financial stuff right now my head is about to burst open any moment. I wish I had stayed at home longer so I could learn all these things from my parents, instead of struggling and trying to learn everything on my own now. I hate making big decisions, especially when they are money related. At least the other two are going ... okay.

4. Got my learner's permit (finally, feel like this is missing teenage-hood right here). Next step, getting that carrrrrrrrr. Another big decision to make, and a complicated one too. Nonetheless, it's exciting. Look at this sexy baby though ...

5. List of grad schools is finalized. Time to tackle those personal statements and applications. GRE exams are lining up, too. Deep breath, I can do this.

6. Month 3 of pilates with Cassey Ho. I can see/feel all the muscles on my body toning up. Also able to get up to 3 miles much faster now. I need to work extra hard on my diet if I want to lose a bit more weight though.

7. Red ombre hair - highlight of the month. Every year I would go home to get a hair cut and styling from my aunt, since I can't do it this year, I had to pay for it because my hair was bothering me so much. It cost me an arm and a leg but I was extra happy with it. Bright bright bright red and soft too.

8. My friends have recently introduced me to this casino place, more like they go there for the gambling and I go there to watch them play. The spa here is another story. I miss my spa sessions in Vietnam. I feel like my body is aching for a spa day so badly. Maybe next time when I get a chance to, I'll come back here just to treat myself to something nice.

9. Convinced the best friend to get snapchat. Getting his snaps and random short videos every day makes me so happy. It makes me feel like that 7000 miles gap between us is really not that far apart.

10. Learned so many new things this month, including football and cars. I could see why guys are so into these things. I guess I am such a girl after all because I get so confused and ask the most clueless questions. Feel like one of those super girly-acting-dumb girls, but I am actually clueless. It is fun learning new stuff though, and great topics to get those guys talking too.

11. Looking forward for people to come back to school, and hopefully, it will be a fun and eventful semester for Sigma this year too.

It's been a productive month for me, with a few relaxing short trips here and there. September, let's make it a good month too. 

P/S: Successfully squeezed in a post while waiting for my friend to get out of work. Having Starbucks to myself is the best.