Almost lover.

       
             I was woken up at 6am this morning by the sunlight streaming through the window, and despite haven't got enough slept lately, I couldn't fall back to sleep. And my thoughts wandered. 


            I haven't been able to write lately, or draw, because there has been so much emotions involved that I'm afraid what I would end up with. I kept talking things out with people, kept thinking things through in my head, kept fighting with my emotions and kept running away from them. I forgot that I shouldn't be holding back on my own blog because this IS my outlet, this is where I run to when I have no one else to turn to. 

            I don't want to admit that I've been dominated by emotions lately. Every little things bothered me. Somewhere along the way, I've lost control of myself. I let people affect me. I become dependent on people. I care about others' opinions too much. I forgot myself. I forgot that I used to not care, used to do whatever I want because I want to.

            Put all the other businesses aside, forget about all the girls that upset me (I can't talk about all those issues in public anyway). Let's talk about things I never want to talk about straightforwardly - relationships.

               I am spoiled when it comes to guys. I am spoiled because all the guys I ever dated, or messed around with, were those truly attractive and unattainable types. And then guess what, they liked me too. We dated. We ended. We were friends. It became a routine. I built up my confidence. I never thought much about it. This pattern of falling for guys and having them fall for me too made me spoiled.

            Of course life is never easy. I have been through all the "heartbreaks" too. I spent a lot of time and emotion on complete idiots who had I wound up being with, I doubt I would have been very happy. So I chose to move on because honestly what else could I do? It was obvious that the feelings were not returned so rather than continue to make a bumbling fool of myself, I swallowed my pride and erased them from my world.

             I am extremely confidence with myself and I would never want to let any guy affect what I think about myself. However, those were a definite blow to my self-esteem. What was wrong with me? Am I unattractive, was I too smothering or obnoxious? Was I one of those annoying clingy girls who I hate so much? Was something off about my personality? Do I care too much? I hated feeling that way. I don’t like people getting the best of me and making me doubt myself because I like who I am. I am secure with who I am and when I have to question that- I find it disgusting and humiliating. So anyway ... I’ve come to accept the fact that guys are just guys here. Friends, or people I’ve partied with- but no one worth getting myself all upset over again should I get rejected after making subtle hints that I’m interested in being more than friends. And I fall back into the pattern of getting whatever guys I want to when I want to, and drop them when I feel like they are close to having a chance to break my heart, and my self-esteem.

             But oops, I did it again. After all the efforts to not let myself getting attached to anyone, I couldn't fight back. Everyone warned me about him, that he could hurt me. I laughed at those comments. Come on, it's me you guys are talking about. I was so used to getting rids of guys and of my feelings that I felt like I was no different than him, and I would have no problem handling this at all.

            I did get rid of him at a certain point, when I legitimately felt like this guy could actually break my heart. I actually was scared. But for some reason, he got me back, so easily that I just want to hit myself hard for how stupid I was. I ignored that alarm in my head. I ignored what other people kept telling me. "As long as I am happy with what I am doing, who cares?" - I told myself.

            I was happy. I was truly happy for the longest time. The longest time I have been with a guy and the most commitment I've never given any of them. I actually wanted to make this work. I thought about settling down for the first time. And we dated, for five months. I thought I could actually open up to someone, despite being scared of becoming too vulnerable, of risking my feelings and my heart getting trampled on again.

            Somewhere along the way, we've lost it. We broke up. We got back together. We are on and off. And I don't know what to do with myself.

            I don’t like being told by my friends to move on, either. I don’t want to move on because why? I’m spoiled. I’m spoiled and I’m stupid. Because I always think I’m an exception. I think I’m the one that can change them and then maybe someday he’ll open up to me too. But I am not an exception, just because I want to be. And it hurts saying out loud that I'm the only one in this relationship, if I could call it a relationship, who is making a fool out of myself.

             Discouragement has definitely become a recurring factor in my life. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again- what’s the point? What is the freakin point of falling for people who are not going to fall for us back? Why are we even allowed to have emotions like this? It’s stupid, and hurtful, and a waste of time. And all I can keep saying to myself is that’s it part of some bigger picture or lesson I haven’t discovered yet. That maybe someday down the road all of this bullshit is going to make sense and I’m gonna look back on these times, and say Oh Okay… I get it now.

             I hate seeing myself like this. I hate even admitting to have all these emotions. I hate myself getting upset over little things. I hate myself making a fool of myself. I hate hating myself for afraid of doing something that would make him upset. I hate myself for caring so much. I hate myself for crying and getting emotional. I hate myself for not caring enough to put more time and efforts.  I hate myself for letting what other people think affect me.

             My self-esteem is hurt. My ego is down. My feelings are all over the place.

            I don't know what to do, or to feel. But I know one thing - I can't be like this forever. I am much stronger than this.

             I don't want to admit that I am that attached to him, but I am.  I see no reason why I have to deny it. I devote lots of feelings and thoughts into this. I like him. From the bottom of my heart, I hope there something I could do to make this work. I haven't given up yet, but I don't have that much confidence in myself either. I am a strong girl, and parts of being strong is to be aware of what you can and cannot do. I appreciate and cherish all the feelings I have for him, and for everything that he does for me. I still like him. I still want to spend time with him. I still want to laugh, and be happy. But it's probably time for me to make my decision soon. Or rather, it is time for him to make decision. He's a lot like me, so I know that if he truly wants something, he will go after it. If he thinks he doesn't want me anymore, then I will respect his decision and let it go.

             And I'm proud to say that I am not sad or depressed. I just simply ... feel nothing.

             Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. every movie we see, every story we’re told implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. but sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending we don’t learn how to read the signs. how to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. and maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. maybe the happy ending is just moving on. or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment… you never gave up hope.

[az]

2/20/2012