Daily Note

I thought after all this time I would no longer write about you but here I am again. I try not to because every time I do, it is full of sadness, regrets, anger or frustration. But I like to write because I know once I'm done writing about something, I won't have to be stuck with those thoughts for days. I simply put everything into words, leave them here and move on.

After all this time, I'm still not sure how I really feel, or how we really feel about each other in that matter. I could be lying in bed one Friday night and miss you like I would miss my Starbucks green tea latte. Then I would get dressed, go out, meet a cute guy, and forget all about my pathetic lonely self a few hours earlier. I could be waking up next to you one Sunday morning then get into a fight with you later that night and would refuse to see you again for the next two months. I could be writing you emails that make you run for the hills then the next day I would tell you to stop bother me so I could be with another guy. I am a selfish person. I do everything for myself. However, when it comes to you, I wonder if I really am doing everything for myself, or I am just getting frustrated after days and months of waiting for you to realize what I am to you. 

I hate that I turn into the jealous and sarcastic girl around you. I am never that way around any other guy because I trust all my guys completely, just like how I used to trust you with all my mind. Sometimes I do things that I am not completely proud of, so I believe that it is the same case for everyone. We are all human. We make mistakes. We are all young. We lose control of our minds sometimes and do things that we would like to slap ourselves in the face for the next day. But I always want to believe that no matter what happens, it will always be me whom they come back to in the end. I am a confident girl after all. Yet, when I see you or hear about you with someone else, I have this feeling in my stomach that drains all my energy. I feel that I am such a bad person for having double standards, for having all these thoughts and for getting upset because after all, who am I to you anyway?  "Whatever, I don't care" is my go-to sentence that I always tell myself and others when it comes to these situations. But do I really not? That knot in my stomach tells me that it's more like I don't want to know because I want to stay in denial, to only see what will make me happy and ignore what makes me sad. Then my mind would find reasons for me to look at things on the "bright" side, so that the next time I see you and the next time you put your arms around me, I will continue to live that lie. 

I know why it didn't work out between us and I know, from the bottom of my heart, that it never will. I am strong enough to fake my emotions and pretend like I don't care but not enough to bear all these doubts and pain. I am patient enough to keep forgiving things that you have done to me but not enough to wait for you to realize that I mean more to you than you think. I am selfish enough to want to protect my heart, but not enough to put it beyond everything else in my life and find ways to make you mine. 

I feel like I'm standing on a fragile glass floor that has become so fragile from so many times I stepped back and forth. If I don't move, I will fall and get hurt. If I step forward like I've done multiple times in the past, I could be safe. But at this point, the glass may break the moment I walk away and I would never be able to go back to where I was. Or what if I take a wrong step forward and everything shatters? 

What if in the end, no matter what I do, I would still end up falling and getting hurt? Then what do I do?

Daily note.

I still laugh at this note every time I read it. Such a cute gesture from the guy. I still remembered how much it made my day to wake up to this, even though it confused me quite a bit at first.

You were such a sweetheart (maybe not anymore). Still, thanks for all the memories :)

Workers Compensation

by Viet Pdf Nguyen on Wednesday, April 27, 2011 at 7:49am 

Although workers compensation law must provide a balance, it should never

form a loophole for those employers who want to price out risks that are going to 

cause injury. A "true intent" interpretation of the exclusivity exception will give you

such a loophole. This is because when an employer as immunity for culpability up

to pure intent, any risk that was taken for a legitimate business purpose will never

qualify for an exception. However, courts using a relaxed view of intent are going to

prevent such pricing out of workplace injuries. Only a relaxed standard will let you 

bring a tort claim for a substantially certain risk of injury - effectively tearing down

the financial incentive by increasing cost. Thus the proper standard is never going 

to be true intent when the goal is increasing workplace safety. But, it is critical to

remember that workers compensation represents a quid-pro-quo and we can't run

the risk of upsetting the balance. Using an intent standard somewhere around

"substantially certainty" would continue to provide immunity for safe employers and 

only increase the liability exposure for this employers whose actions would desert

the standard of "accident" under tort. Therefore, when defining exclusivity, if you

lose time from work, accidents in which the employee loses time, they carry

on. 

Daily Note.

I ran into him for the first time since we were "over" tonight.
I was someone else's date for the banquet, and he, of course, brought his girlfriend.
I didn't think it would affect me this much, but there's just this uneasy feeling keep churning in my stomach. I am so such a bad person for thinking this, but I feel slightly jealous with her. She is pretty but I don't know what is it about her that could keep him, while I couldn't. Okay, to be fair, I kind of let him go on my own, due to circumstances, I really have no right to be feeling like this. Still, I keep having this thought in my head: "A year ago, it was me in that spot".

A year ago, it was me who he texted and called to say goodnight. It was me who he took care of so gently and so tentatively, wouldn't let me stand in the cold for even 1 minute, would lend me his coat whenever I wanted it, would put the blanket over me when I fell asleep studying in his office. It was my hand whose he held possessively in front of his friends. It was me who picked out dress shirts for him the morning. It was me who had his attention, and his care at all time.

Now, all I could get was a hug and mundane conversation like we were even less than friends. I have broken up with more than one guys. I wasn't even that upset nor cry when I ended things with him. Things just happened naturally. But for some reason, this haunts me more than anything. I keep wishing that I wasn't so stupid and could let go of my ego. I wish it was a better timing when I didn't have to go abroad when he needed someone with him. I just secretly I could have been there, last night at the banquet, as his girlfriend.

How greedy of me. Wishing for something that I let go just because other girls get it. Maybe next time, I shouldn't let go of someone that makes me truly happy. Or maybe next time, I should just keep my head, and heels, high and make them secretly wish they didn't let me go. Yep, that's how it should be.

Thanks God I actually looked flawless last night, and it wasn't one of those days when I bum around in nerdy glasses.

Okay, 10 minutes of regretting time is over. Time to move on.

Almost lover.

       
             I was woken up at 6am this morning by the sunlight streaming through the window, and despite haven't got enough slept lately, I couldn't fall back to sleep. And my thoughts wandered. 


            I haven't been able to write lately, or draw, because there has been so much emotions involved that I'm afraid what I would end up with. I kept talking things out with people, kept thinking things through in my head, kept fighting with my emotions and kept running away from them. I forgot that I shouldn't be holding back on my own blog because this IS my outlet, this is where I run to when I have no one else to turn to. 

            I don't want to admit that I've been dominated by emotions lately. Every little things bothered me. Somewhere along the way, I've lost control of myself. I let people affect me. I become dependent on people. I care about others' opinions too much. I forgot myself. I forgot that I used to not care, used to do whatever I want because I want to.

            Put all the other businesses aside, forget about all the girls that upset me (I can't talk about all those issues in public anyway). Let's talk about things I never want to talk about straightforwardly - relationships.

               I am spoiled when it comes to guys. I am spoiled because all the guys I ever dated, or messed around with, were those truly attractive and unattainable types. And then guess what, they liked me too. We dated. We ended. We were friends. It became a routine. I built up my confidence. I never thought much about it. This pattern of falling for guys and having them fall for me too made me spoiled.

            Of course life is never easy. I have been through all the "heartbreaks" too. I spent a lot of time and emotion on complete idiots who had I wound up being with, I doubt I would have been very happy. So I chose to move on because honestly what else could I do? It was obvious that the feelings were not returned so rather than continue to make a bumbling fool of myself, I swallowed my pride and erased them from my world.

             I am extremely confidence with myself and I would never want to let any guy affect what I think about myself. However, those were a definite blow to my self-esteem. What was wrong with me? Am I unattractive, was I too smothering or obnoxious? Was I one of those annoying clingy girls who I hate so much? Was something off about my personality? Do I care too much? I hated feeling that way. I don’t like people getting the best of me and making me doubt myself because I like who I am. I am secure with who I am and when I have to question that- I find it disgusting and humiliating. So anyway ... I’ve come to accept the fact that guys are just guys here. Friends, or people I’ve partied with- but no one worth getting myself all upset over again should I get rejected after making subtle hints that I’m interested in being more than friends. And I fall back into the pattern of getting whatever guys I want to when I want to, and drop them when I feel like they are close to having a chance to break my heart, and my self-esteem.

             But oops, I did it again. After all the efforts to not let myself getting attached to anyone, I couldn't fight back. Everyone warned me about him, that he could hurt me. I laughed at those comments. Come on, it's me you guys are talking about. I was so used to getting rids of guys and of my feelings that I felt like I was no different than him, and I would have no problem handling this at all.

            I did get rid of him at a certain point, when I legitimately felt like this guy could actually break my heart. I actually was scared. But for some reason, he got me back, so easily that I just want to hit myself hard for how stupid I was. I ignored that alarm in my head. I ignored what other people kept telling me. "As long as I am happy with what I am doing, who cares?" - I told myself.

            I was happy. I was truly happy for the longest time. The longest time I have been with a guy and the most commitment I've never given any of them. I actually wanted to make this work. I thought about settling down for the first time. And we dated, for five months. I thought I could actually open up to someone, despite being scared of becoming too vulnerable, of risking my feelings and my heart getting trampled on again.

            Somewhere along the way, we've lost it. We broke up. We got back together. We are on and off. And I don't know what to do with myself.

            I don’t like being told by my friends to move on, either. I don’t want to move on because why? I’m spoiled. I’m spoiled and I’m stupid. Because I always think I’m an exception. I think I’m the one that can change them and then maybe someday he’ll open up to me too. But I am not an exception, just because I want to be. And it hurts saying out loud that I'm the only one in this relationship, if I could call it a relationship, who is making a fool out of myself.

             Discouragement has definitely become a recurring factor in my life. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again- what’s the point? What is the freakin point of falling for people who are not going to fall for us back? Why are we even allowed to have emotions like this? It’s stupid, and hurtful, and a waste of time. And all I can keep saying to myself is that’s it part of some bigger picture or lesson I haven’t discovered yet. That maybe someday down the road all of this bullshit is going to make sense and I’m gonna look back on these times, and say Oh Okay… I get it now.

             I hate seeing myself like this. I hate even admitting to have all these emotions. I hate myself getting upset over little things. I hate myself making a fool of myself. I hate hating myself for afraid of doing something that would make him upset. I hate myself for caring so much. I hate myself for crying and getting emotional. I hate myself for not caring enough to put more time and efforts.  I hate myself for letting what other people think affect me.

             My self-esteem is hurt. My ego is down. My feelings are all over the place.

            I don't know what to do, or to feel. But I know one thing - I can't be like this forever. I am much stronger than this.

             I don't want to admit that I am that attached to him, but I am.  I see no reason why I have to deny it. I devote lots of feelings and thoughts into this. I like him. From the bottom of my heart, I hope there something I could do to make this work. I haven't given up yet, but I don't have that much confidence in myself either. I am a strong girl, and parts of being strong is to be aware of what you can and cannot do. I appreciate and cherish all the feelings I have for him, and for everything that he does for me. I still like him. I still want to spend time with him. I still want to laugh, and be happy. But it's probably time for me to make my decision soon. Or rather, it is time for him to make decision. He's a lot like me, so I know that if he truly wants something, he will go after it. If he thinks he doesn't want me anymore, then I will respect his decision and let it go.

             And I'm proud to say that I am not sad or depressed. I just simply ... feel nothing.

             Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. every movie we see, every story we’re told implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. but sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending we don’t learn how to read the signs. how to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. and maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. maybe the happy ending is just moving on. or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment… you never gave up hope.

[az]

2/20/2012

Keep calm, and let it go.

Sometimes, it takes a lot to give things up and let them go ...

Out of the sudden, I just feel frustrated with everything and it is like everything is coming at me all at once. I don't know why I am being this way, and I don't know why I'm letting things affect me this easily, but they are. I want to just not think about anything, and let it go.

It is emotionally exhausted, and I don't even know if I have the luxury to spend that much of my energy and efforts. I always put on a strong front, and I firmly believe that as long as I do that, I will be fine. Apparently not. Sometimes I get tired of fighting back and working hard all the time. Sometimes I think people are stepping all over me and pushing my limits because they have this "She's-strong-she-will-be-fine-we-don't-have-to-worry-about-her-feelings" kind of attitude.

I always fight for things I believe in. I always trust and have faith in people. I can be really patient, and I will take on challenges. However, if that means I have to suffer sleepless nights, to have thousand of thoughts racing through my mind all day, to doubt and conflict with myself on every issues, and to break down and cry on every subject while talking to my friends, I don't think it's worth it.

A part of being a strong and smart girl is to let things go when you don't think what you do worth your time and efforts anymore.

Emotions and relationships are overrated.

Maybe it's time for me to let go ...

 [az] 2:29am

My Happy Ending

It's nice to know that you were there

Thanks for acting like you cared

And making me feel like I was the only one

It's nice to know we had it all

Thanks for watching as I fall

And letting me know we were done

[az]

Christmas 2009 - Christmas 2011

6 years of friendship, a few months of more than friendship, and 2 years of broken heart, I can't believe I have the courage to face you again, or to sit close behind you on your motorcycle, lean on your shoulder and feel your warmth.

And feel nothing more than just caring deeply for each other.

Many years have gone by and you're still able to make me laugh, and forget about everything that upsets me. You know my favorite restaurant, my favorite café, and know exactly how to order my dessert and coffee. You know my favorite spot where I like to watch the city lights and enjoy the comfortable silence between us. You know how I like to walk in the rain, and realize when I get cold even if I try to deny it. You just know, a lot, about me and how to make me happy, the simplest type of happiness.

I realize that we still avoid the other places that we used to go - our first date, our first kiss - all the places that filled up with memories. Memories of a time we had together.


I have missed you, and the way I feel when I'm with you.

You: "Why did we break up, again?"
Me: "Sweetie, we never did begin anything."

Yet, the loneliest moment when I have no one by my side, you're here for me.

Thanks for giving me a place to come home to, mi amor. 

Thanks for holding my hand whenever I need someone to hold on to, and to complain about life

"Life has ups and downs. When things keep going down, do a flip and turn it around."

Every time I am going through an emotional rollercoaster, I write, at the risk of putting myself out there, the risk of unveiling myself for all the world to see, at the risk of getting hurt even more. Although, I give myself time to buffer all the turmoil in my head, and my heart - enough time to let go off all the intense emotions, but still plenty of time for them to linger on and do some damages.

I've started to pull out my "In case of Emergency" playlist again - really didn't think I would have to do this so soon. I've been listening to music, looking through old text messages, chat conversations and emails, and broke down in between for a moment or two.

I have always thought that I am quite good at being emotionally detached to things, places and people; or thought that I've beaten myself enough to learn the lesson by now. The fact is, I am independent because I have to. I protect myself because I have to. Growing up having to live through the loneliest moments and hardest situations by myself. while having to put on the strong front for others, I have become how I am now. I learned by harsh reality that I had no one to rely on. Every time I let my guard down and try to give the softer side a chance to come out, nothing good came out of it. However, I admit that I do get attached and become more emotional than I want to. So the moment I feel like my life has fallen into a pattern and starts to become too stable, I switch it up, change things around, go to new places, cut tied strings and move on. All of that so I get into a habit of "getting bored easily", and keep myself under control.

Yet, once in a while, I've done it again.

I'd gone in it, as I usually go into theses things with guys, looking at them as nothing more than bystanders, as temporary witnesses to my life, and for about a few months it worked. Until I started to actually feel. And once I realized this, I felt like running as I always do when these things come about. I felt like running for the hills, for somewhere far away, for my freedom. Yet, with the fear of heartbreak still settling in my stomach, and the feeling of being emotionally scarred nostalgically rising in my throat...I went for it.

I wasn't in love. Let me make that clear.

I'm unsure why I even I let him in, maybe it was to be brave, to finally take a chance with something (or someone), thinking the conventional "you never know unless you try" way. Or maybe I thought I deserved to be happy for once. Or maybe I wasn't even thinking at all, just feeling it. I took a chance, and yet here I am, listening to depressing music and writing depressing entries. How many of these things I had, and will write year after year, I wonder.

Let me make it clear again, I was not "in love" even if it seems like it. I simply liked the guy, and the way I felt when I was with him. 


I've been through worse, I know, but this one really hurts. I think what hurts the most, is not that it's over, or that he still hasn't shown a single sign that he wants me back (or probably he never will). It hurts because I took a risk, gave myself too much credits, took on too much of a challenge, and got beat. Beat down pretty bad. And I know I will get over this one, as I have in the past, but for now I'm thinking of  those who say "Take risks! if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise". Well I've lost, and I'm not feeling very wise, just hurt and a little bit hopeless. Because as much as I read quotes that cheer me on claiming "At least you tried!" I'd rather have not tried at all, I'd rather have stood on the sidelines safely and not have gotten hurt.

But it's too late for that now.

Actually, I take that back. Those months were the happiest months I have been for a very long time, and I would not want to change a thing. But now, I just feel drained and exhausted, and wonder if I would ever be able to do something like this again. I am pretty much back to my old self but still, I feel like a part of myself has gone. It was too much for me. I realize that I started losing control, and I couldn't be the calm and collected person I have always been. And I'm just simply scared that I would be one of those girls. I just can't be one of those girls, ever. Because it's not me, and if I can't be the one he liked me for, I should no longer be with him.

The biggest part of me wants him out of my mind, out of my heart, out of my bones, and I even get angry at myself for thinking of him, remembering him.

Missing him.

I'm not sure there is a point to this entry. I am not writing to ask him to come back to me, nor am I writing to tell him that I am finally moving on. I am simply writing because I still like him. I still like him and I hate myself for it everyday. And that I miss him. 

Been missing him since the moment I said it was over between us.


 Did I give up on us too early? 

Perhaps, after all, my feelings weren't strong enough. Or I wasn't strong enough to keep going, to keep us going.

[az]

Things I forget to tell you.

1. My career comes first. I will do everything to get into med school. Even if it means giving you up.
2. But then again, I don't want to lose you, at this moment.
3. I want you to be happy. Comfortable with me. Honest with me. Tell me everything that bugs you, even if it is about me.
4. I much rather have a Jim Sturgess, Michael Gurfi, or Georgy Clooney. But you’re not too bad yourself :)

5. I'm scared to death with commitment. I will never cheat on you and stuff like that. But deep down inside, I'm still a crazy singleton.

6. The only time I ever lied to you these past 3 months was when I said first thing I would do when I get to NYC is to hang out with my friends. Actually, if I arrive in the US, the first person I want to see is you and the first thing I want to do is to spend some quality time with you.

7. Please, tell me when I start talking or rambling too much. That’s only because I want to tell you everything that goes on with me.

8. You are the first guy I'm this involved with.

9. I rejected dozens of invites to watch that movie, because I only like to watch it with you.

10. I hate hate hate awkwardness.

11. I'm supposed to be doing my homework right now. Not writing this note for you.

12. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you, even if I say “I will kick you” all the time.

13. I want you to do what you want to do, not for me. For yourself. Just like I'd do the same.

14. This relationship isn't going to be as smoothly as you think. I'm the worst girlfriend anyone can have, but I'll learn.

15. I may want to date other guys, eventually. But let’s not talk about this for now.

16. If you ever think something is wrong with me, and don't feel comfortable asking me, just get me drunk, actually, tipsy. Don’t get me drunk, it will get physical, lol.

17. I can't do long-distance relationships. It’s killing me. But there is always a thing called trying.

18. When I'm angry, it is school, stress or alcohol talking. Don’t make me upset you, or don’t upset me. Just don’t give up ;)

19. I’m tired of phone calls, text messages, gchat, facebook, stuff like that. I just don't like seeing your face and hearing your voice on the other side of the screen / phone. I’d rather be next to you.

20. I don't do anniversaries. I will remember the date, but I won’t do anything about it.

21. I have a surprise for you. You’ll have to wait until your birthday to find out

22. My favorite thing about you is your goofy smile when you dance.

23. I don’t like PDA because it's sexier when no one is watching us.

24. I don't mind friends knowing about us.
25. Remember our priorities. Everyone and everything else first. Then us.
26. I will write things like this and post them on my blog, whether you like it or not. It’s my blog, I will do whatever the hell I want with it.
27. If I'm angry at you, don't worry. I WILL tell you. The good thing is that I can never be angry with you that often.
28. We can compromise. I'm not expecting much from this relationship, but you have to be honest with me.
29. I don't know how long this relationship will last.
 
30. I'm scared to hell right now because ...

"In the end, you just want to be with the one who makes you laugh"

[az]

July 7th, 1:34am

"For some reason, I miss you today."

 "U already know the reason :), its the same reason why I miss you every day"

The Game We Played

You told me you thought we would have been done with each other long time ago. I told you I have never intended to drag this on.

You have all types of reputation. I did the background check, and came in prepared. You thought I was a softy at the beginning, I turned out to be more of a challenge than what you signed up for. We both play this game longer that we expect.

My friend told me: "You're digging your own grave." You told me: "Pshh. I'm digging my own grave." I guess we somehow ended up in the ditch together?

Honestly, I think we probably just came into each other's life at the point where we had been hurt, moved on, and were determined never to be hurt again. We withdraw our hearts from the table, and gamble with something else. I'm not sure what it is, but I feel like it costs us even more than our hearts. I'm playing the cool and heartless girl who seems to know how to play her game. You're playing the sweet and gentle player who knows exactly how to treat a girl, like me. Everything we did was planned. Every text messages we sent had its purpose. And we kept the ball alternate between our courts.

Honesty and frankness. Those are the reasons why we like each other. I told you about other guys I was involved with. You didn't mind the competition. I knew about the other girls you kept handy, and you never denied about them. We set the golden rules - "Don't ask, don't tell". We were precisely what other people called: friends with benefits.

Somewhere along the way, however, you were distracted. Your attention was no longer on me. I got bothered, and I was … afraid that I had been sucked into this game more than I wanted. So I backed out. I cut you out of my life effortlessly because I believed I was strong, and I always managed to rationalize myself out of situations like these.

Easy come, easy go, ... and easy back. After months of no communication and no words exchanged, you suddenly came back into my life. You said you missed me, and despite how hard you tried, you couldn't forget me, and you wanted me back. I turned you away, but somewhere in my heart, I fell like I found something I'd been missing all along.

2a.m. I was alone in my room, feeling lonelier and more rejected than ever. Suddenly, I knew I wanted you back in my life. I texted you, and within no time, you were next to me. I was back in your arms, and your kisses, once more, belonged to me only. I knew then that it was going to take me time to let go of those emotions.

After everything that has happened, I felt like this time, we appreciated each other more. I still had my guard up, but more than often, I slipped. And you, too, were letting your guard down. For the last two weeks, we enjoyed each other company to the fullest. We were acting too much like a couple it scared both of us. But at the same time, time was ticking away. I couldn't get enough of your kisses, and I wished you didn't have to leave early in the mornings. I hung on to the smell of you, lingering on me and between my sheets. You, likewise, would not take me home before sunrise. 

The day I left, you refused to spend the night with me, afraid that you would "do something stupid or say something stupid." You did not want to let that armor of confidence down and showed me that vulnerable side of yours. But you did, anyway. I definitely felt something different in your goodbye kisses, whether you wanted to show your emotions or not. And, miles and miles away, my heart skipped a beat when I read your letter, telling me that you had lost this dating game - you fell for me.

My mind and body rejected the idea, though. I felt sick in my stomach. My head told me this was another one of your playboy's trick. I was confused.

If you, the ultimate playboy, told me you were in love (and even using Samantha as the role model), what would I do now? I was counting on you, jerk. You told me all this because you know I was leaving you? Asshole. 

I am so used to going to sleep and waking up with someone next to me, and you were one of the people who contributed to that habit. I hate that you watched my favorite show and knew it so well, now every time I watch it, I think of you. I hate that you spoiled me to the point that now I can't enjoy any luxury without you in my mind. And I hate that you are so good at kissing and other things that I yearn for those more than anything.

The game we played is over. You lost the game, but I'm not entirely sure if I won.

Now what next? Half time? Should we play another one? Or should we just quit and admit that we both had lost?

[az]

Things I love about you.

      When I sit next to you, studying. 

When we go grocery shopping.

At parties.

In the morning when I just wake up.

Or any random times when you feel like it.

I hate PDA, but you ignore it and do it anyway

Only because you get sick every other week, and when you're not sick, I am. 
I always tell you I hate seeing you when either of us are sick because it's more torture for me. Regardless, you always visit me when I'm sick.

 ... enough said

I hate pet names. You always use them anyway. You're the only one who can do it w/o making me frown.

 Or whole week. You say the most random things and make no sense. It always take me a while to figure out what your messages and once I find out the meaning behind them, they make me smile.

And I tend to do this a lot, especially when I'm drunk ;) But that only means that you're the one guy that I can look up to and feel reliable enough to share my problems with. 

 Even when I'm sick in bed, just wake up,or look like a bum after sleepless nights in the library studying for my exams.

 Whether it's 9pm or 4am, you rarely forget to text me before going to bed. The only exception would be when I'm right next to you ;)

"What else do you ask for?" is the question I usually get from my friends, and they always wonder what is wrong with me.

:)

 I am not exactly the committed type. I like to keep my "relationships" low key so people don't gossip. But you never seem to be afraid to make it out there.

You always tell me "I'm busy, but I always have time for you" --> makes me appreciate every single time I get to see you so much more. 

Yeah ... I don't get you a lot of the time, so I just tell you that you're weird.

Remember that time at the mall when you said "Wow, I feel special, 'cause I'm holding your hand?"

 I hated it cuz you're "making it so obvious" but the things you post most of the time make me smile, so I can't complain.

So adorable, lol.

I love it that I can talk to you about everything and you would do the same, about EVERYTHING. It makes me feel like I can trust you with whatever we have and don't have to worry about anything else.We never have to play the "dating game" 'cause we both agree that it is too much work.

 And I never expect any other guys to do the same. I might have taken it for granted though, cuz sometimes I get upset when you don't, but you rarely forget.

 We'll be at different parties, and you would text me "Can I come see you?" then you will complain later "See? I left my party early. See how much I sacrifice?"

Well, not the "I love you" part (thanks God), but you do randomly call me just to tell me that you're going to bed :)

and unexpected visits. 

When I'm studying and you're working right next to me, you keep me even more focused on my studying. Or when we're driving in your car, listening to your favorite songs.

while I freak out about this

Since you hate cuddling while sleeping, so you consider this as a "make up" for the entire night, lol.

With all these things combined, and many more that I might have forgotten, you gave me the sweetest and most enjoyable time, especially when I was stressed and depressed. You taught me how to be motivated, and how to keep a positive attitude toward everything. It may not necessarily be love, since I'm not committed and you are looking for something different, but these are definitely things that come up in my mind when I think about you, and I love them. 

I hate that I can only get emails from you now, and that I can't text you random texts throughout the day. You hate knowing that I'm not 10 minutes away where you can surprise me and tell me to come down and open the door. 

Although we still ask each other about our days, I know we are moving on with our lives. Or at least I know am trying to.

[az]