2011 - A Year in Review

Every year, as the year comes to a close, it's my habit to look back on everything that has happened, and write myself a reasonable resolution by the time of Lunar New Year. There are so many things going on around this time of the year that I haven't had a chance to do this yet this year. As a matter of fact, I almost forgot that it was Lunar New Year until my friends reminded me of it, and until I got on Facebook and was attacked by a trillion picture updates of food and other exciting events going on in Vietnam. It is kind of sad that I actually don't miss home anymore. Usually I get pretty depressed and homesick when I'm not home at this time, hopefully this is because I was just there a few weeks ago. Anyways, December *cough cough* wouldn't be December if there isn't a good year review. It's about damn time for one.

 2011 was a year with lots of changes. I realized many things that I didn't want to admit before, faced them and came up with other plans to deal with them. It was a year with lots of ups and downs, and wild moments - like a roller coaster. I totally would never have thought that I'd be saying all these things as a sophomore/junior, isn't my life supposed to be pretty stable by now? Lol.

 2011 didn't start with a high note. Sophomore year was a tough year for me academic-wise. I have always known that I have a tendency to get carried away with extracurricular activities, but I guess I got a little bit toooooo carried away. Parts of the reasons were because I was so frustrated with the fact that I couldn't live up to my expectations, or other people's expectations of me, in academic. There were so many moments I wanted to give up, and almost hated myself for being such a loser, and tried everything to keep myself going. I remember series of sleepless nights, and all those times being scared, nervous, and angry all at the same time. It felt like I have tried all that I could but everything was beyond my ability. There is nothing I hate more than not being able to be in control of the situation. After all, I just slowly learned that there were things that I could do, and things that I couldn't do. I was still extremely disappointed with myself so I decided to go to South Africa - to rediscover my passion and to take a break from everything. Also, I was feeling uncomfortable with settling down in Rochester, I needed to go to a new place and got away from the stable life, and to look for something new.

 Summer and Fall 2011 were the highlights of my entire year. Even though going to Africa was my very-last-minute and out-of-the-spur decision, I've never once regretted it. Being in a foreign country with a study abroad status took away the pressure I have always been under. I decided to just forget everything and took it easy for once in my life. It was definitely extremely uncomfortable to have so much free time on my hands. However, I was definitely more efficient and could get things done so much better without stressing out and getting frustrated all the time. Lol, funny thing that I've only learned that now. Oh well, I've always been the stubborn person who always chooses to learn things the hard way. Working in clinical settings for both medicine and psychology was a priceless experience. I definitely hated the feeling of being in a total strange place and having to figure my way out all over again in everything, having to make friends all over again, but for some reason, I think I'm addicted to that feeling. It felt normal for me to mix things up when my life becomes too boring. Of course, travelling was lots of fun. I consider myself lucky for getting so many opportunities to be at many different place in the world. Well yeah, I'm a bit of a spoiled brat, I'm aware of that. 

 I also consider myself lucky because while I was abroad enjoying myself without much care in the world, my family had to deal with such a difficult situation. I was never there at the most difficult time, and as much as it affected me, I know that I did not have to go through all the heart-breaking things that my family had to go through. I would never understand how it felt and as much as parts of me didn't want to know, I wish I could have been there for them. Although it no longer brings tears to my eyes, my heart still aches every time I think about it. It was 20 years of memories growing up. There is not enough space in this blog for me to write about all the memories, I definitely should add this to my to-write list. This incident definitely changes many things in our lives. Suddenly I realized that soon enough, I won't be able to rely on my parents anymore. I have been living such a carefree life that it is now extremely scary to think about having to deal with real life. Aiya .... I really should start learning. 

 2011 would be the last year that my sister will be home with us. Just thinking about her getting married next year, and will have a family on her own really hits me that we are all growing up. I'm sure she is more scared and worried than me right now, but she has an exciting life to look forward to. It is going to feel so weird at her wedding. I've never been the type to get emotional at weddings, or at any events, but I can tell now that it is going to have some effects on me.

 I met many people, made tons of friends and became such a social person that sometimes I'm amazed at myself. Four years ago, I would never have thought I would be the Thanh that everyone knows me as right now. Most of the time, it feels quite liberating. I feel like this is the most ME I could get for now. Although, obviously, there are certain things that only certain people know about me, but everyone has complicated thing that they don't want to expose for the entire world to see. I definitely took many risks this year and tried out things that I have not done before. Crazy at times, yes, but I've never regretted any of them. I also took lots of times trying to figure out what I want to do with all my "relationships". At times I have been content with being the wild, free and independent girls who does not need one single guy, or any guys to make me feel better about myself. Compared to freshman year, it did me so much better. I have all the confidence and carefree attitude I needed to deal with them. I simply was happy with myself the way I was and I didn't feel like I need to change anything. Well, things came and went. Some maybe a little bit more sad than the others. After all, they were all good memories. I still have respect for all of them and I could never be happier to have them in my life. 

 Eventually, I get tired of moving from one guy to another. I got all the special treatments, I had the good times, but after everything passed, I always ended up alone. I am a strong and independent girl, but it gets lonely sometimes. However, I had one of the best relationships I haven't had for years. Throughout the entire year, he has always been shown up in my memories, good times and bad times. We might have been the weirdest and most unexpecting couple there could ever be, and even if he annoyed and frustrated me often enough, he kept me from being bored, and happy. I don't know what is going to happen between us in the future, and I may be a little bit greedy, since I don't want to settle down just yet and are still messing around, but I don't think I want to let him go either. 

 There's only one resolution that I make for 2012:

I want to spend 2012 doing things that I truly think are important. 

In 2012, I want to strike a fine balance between relationships and career and friends, between social and travel and education. I want to continue to pursue my dreams relentlessly and with passion. I want to see new cities and appreciate places that I've been to. I want to make time for my friends and go on adventures. I want to starting getting rid of my lifestyle of living according up to my own [ridiculous] expectations and other people's expectations. I won't giving up on my crazy, free and independent lifestyle for a stable and steady one just yet, but I will start thinking about and learn to settling down a little bit. I am going to try not to be all over the place, focus my energy on finding things that are important and strike those. 

 It should be a good year :) Sooooooo looking forward to it.

Be a dream catcher.

What I get out of what I had.

The highlights:


1. Sigma Psi Zeta
- Realized that I could really push my limits if I really wanted to
- Pros and cons list didn't work very well --> sometime it doesn't hurt to just do things without really knowing exactly what I get myself into. Taking a risk is a part of learning.
- I do need the company of people, almost all the time now and my sisters are really always there for me through good times and hard times.


2. Yola
- Working with the people who had inspired my study abroad dream was the best experience in my life
- My students were adorable and they reminded me of how I was few years ago. Helping them reminded me of why I am where I am right now.
- Work hard, play hard, never fail.


3. Summer in Vietnam
- People change, you do too, face with it, cuz it's a good thing.
- Nothing feels better than to enjoy life using what I've worked hard for (including spa, manicures, coffee shops, restaurants, beaches, gifts, …) --> should do the same thing in the future
- Nothing is better than home.


4. My lab job and independent study
- Gave me the feeling of being involved in some real research for the first time
- One step closer to my {dream} career


5. My guys
- Talented, smart, hard-working guys that keep me motivated (and proud)
- Nevertheless, they are chilled, relax, know how to have fun, very caring and considerate to girls, loyal to their friends --> being "the guy" of the group and having their company when I need them is the best I could get out of Rochester
- Never judge the book by its cover. These intimidating, gangster looking guys are sweethearts.


6. Shave my head
- New experiences are always worth it cuz you'll never know what you'll get.


The worst:


1. Flings are not very fun in the end
- Well, they would be fun if I can be even more cold-hearted than I am now, but that's not going to happen. Consequence is a bitch.
- Such a waste of my Christmas, and the entire summer
- 1 one super good friend --> that was a major mistake
- I get too carried on and can't get back on track --> need to learn how to work hard before play hard


2. I'm really not a genius, hard work is required
- I completely failed in Organic Chem
- Staying up all nights do not correlate with better results --> need to get back to my normal studying habit
- I don't have to be good at everything, but I can try hard in everything.


3. Social life is not everything, well at least when you're not a PR major
- It was fun, and I needed the company, but not everyone needs mine like I thought
- Try not to overestimate the importance of my existence towards some people, many of them don't give a damn
- Don't give a damn about others' business unless it's absolute necessary (like to my really good friends)
- Do not get too carried away with having fun and being comfortable and relaxed.


4. Family
- Partially the reason for all of these above to be able to happen was because I did not have enough communication with my parents this year --> parents always give good advice and keep us on track, LISTEN or not, at least TELL




Things that I've been doing and should keep doing


- Be determined that I can do things. Don't give up just because it seems like I can't do it.
- Be social. I can be a nerd and a social butterfly at the same time, no worries.
- Be creative. Art is a good way to relieve stress.
- Be healthy. Vegetarian diet was a good decision. Keep it up.
- Be positive. It's ok if I fail at something, but remember to learn from it, don't just laugh it off and forget about it.
- Post its of what to do on walls; add in post its of things that I've done.


Things that I've been doing and should STOP


- Being everywhere and doing everything at the same time; I'm not a super human, can't handle every club positions and keep a 4.0 GPA at the same time.
- Taking on too much work and overestimate my ability - doesn't prove that I'm smart, but on the other hand, kind of stupid - take things slowly, focus on one thing a time and do an amazing job at it.
- Flings - 3 or 4 guys at the same time takes time and effort (and money), try to cut some back, bad for my health mentally and physically
- Quit going to the gym cuz I'm afraid that my thighs will look big -; ugh, as much as I hate my thighs looking big, I didn't get sick as often and my abs is better looking with muscle than flat but with no muscle.
- Quit breaking down into panic attacks before exams - get the confidence together and get over it.


New Year Resolutions:


1. Keep my GPA above 3.8
2. Summer Internship
3. Study abroad
4. Go to the gym at least twice a week
5. A steady work + school + sleep schedule
6. Call home at least once a week
7. Be an active member of both Sigma and CSA
8. Keep a journal
9. No drinking 3 weeks in a row
10. 1 new and bizarre but meaningful experience.

Spoiled brat.

Nhiều lúc thoạt nghĩ mình đúng là đứa được nuông chiều riết nên đâm quen, không có thì thấy bức rức trong người.

Cả nhà, chỉ có sinh nhật mình là được ưu tiên, được ba mẹ mua quà, được ba mẹ dắt đi chơi, đãi tiệc ở nhà, được bạn bè hết người này đến người khác dẫn đi ăn uống. Lỡ sau này sinh nhật không làm gì chắc lại buồn và trách người khác không quan tâm.

Ở nhà, được ưu tiên không phải làm việc nhà, vì “đi làm, đi học mệt” và vì “một năm ở nhà có 3 tháng nên coi như khách”. Sáng chỉ mỗi việc pha café, tối đi chơi có người rước và về chỉ việc mở tủ lạnh, lấy … mặt nạ đắp và đi ngủ. Rồi nên đâm lười, mỗi khi bị nhờ thì lại lười. Ba kêu tập chạy xe cũng lười, vì ngại phải tự mình đi.

Đi ăn, lúc nào cũng được các anh chị ưu tiên cho chọn nhà hàng, chọn món ưa thích, ăn xong được các anh chị trả tiền cho, “vì em nhỏ nhất cơ quan”. Đi với bạn bè cũng vẫn được ưu tiên vậy, vì thường là đi với bọn con trai, “vì mày là con gái”. Toàn bạn bè gọi rủ đi chơi, ít khi phải đụng đến điện thoại và cũng phần lớn toàn được đón tận nơi và đưa về tận nhà. Đi chơi chưa bao giờ biết việc đi taxi về. Sướng mà không biết hưởng, những lúc ăn lại chạnh lòng nghĩ, phải mà mình đi với …, vì lúc nào cũng được gắp cho ăn, không phải đụng đến đũa và vì muôn vàn lý do khác.

Sang bên Mỹ, phòng có roommate dọn dẹp cho, tóc tai roommate nhuộm cho, đi chơi cũng roommate làm tóc và ủi đồ. Ăn uống cũng có người nhắc nhở, hoặc thèm đồ ăn ở ngoài thì có big sis và các anh order hoặc đem về cho dâng tận miệng. Cuối tuần muốn coi phim gọi cho các anh down phim, xong chỉ có việc vác gối sang nằm xem, có sẵn snack để vừa ăn vừa xem và có sẵn giường để xem xong lăn ra ngủ. Có chuyện gì cũng có người nghe kể lể nỉ nôi. Sướng mà không biết hưởng cứ than là ở bên đó khổ lắm, việc gì cũng phải tự làm. Ở bên đó thì đòi về Việt Nam, bây giờ ở Việt Nam thì lại nhớ mọi người (vì đang phải ngồi tự down phim và lủi thủi coi phim một mình.)

Ít ra cũng được một chuyện là nhận ra rằng:

1. Mình được nuông chiều hư hỏng ra sao và như thế nào.

2. Mình chắc phải còn được nuông chiều thêm một thời gian nữa.

3. Còn sướng lắm, chưa có khổ đâu.

4. Cho dù có khổ thì life still goes on.

5. Life goes on thì khổ một lúc chắc rồi sẽ sướng lại thôi.

Phải quyết tâm sửa 1 và 2. Không sửa nhiều thì sửa ít.

[az]

[28.06.10]