What Carrie feels.

Today, I totally feel the need, the urge, the yearning to be next to someone ... 
so 
 badly. 

The difference.

You know that feeling when you feel so fed up with everyone and every little thing around you annoys you to the core? Then you try to find a way to escape from the world and the rest of the creatures that exist on its surface?

It doesn't matter what you do, as long as you are free from the social network that ties you down: roam the streets aimlessly, walk from store to store for hours, sit by yourself at a four-people table in a coffee shop, buy a big bucket of popcorn and go to the movie theater, get a pint of ice cream and sit on the sidewalk watching people passing by, etc.

And you have this sweet, sweet, sweet sensation of solitude and silence, and you feel the pure happiness, for a short period of time. Then you get scared of roaming the streets aimlessly. Your feet get tired of walking from store to store. You feel guilty when there are couples waiting in line for tables. The popcorn is too salty and the movie isn't that great. The ice cream melts and everyone passing by seems to have so much more fun than you are, and they all seem to ... have someone by their side.

It's a terrible feeling to miss someone and knowing that you're fine without those people. And they, too, must be feeling the same way.


Feelings are fleeting.

Suddenly, you realize you're not alone. You are lonely.

[az]

On a rainy night of June.

All these crazy rules

So I’m trying pretty hard to be perfect. Perhaps perfect is too strong; mindful, considerate, eager to please, call it what you will.

Don’t text too much because it comes across as desperate. Never send two texts in a row for the same reason. No facebook chat every time he logs on, ‘cause that’s desperate too, as is ‘Liking’ everything he posts, so don’t do that either. Remember not to ask when we’re seeing each other next because nonchalance is key, right? Don'tsound too eager when he suggests doing something in the future. Remember, nonchalance. When you’re out with other people, don’t demand his attention, he’s not there just for you. And don’t make an issue of him making friends with new girls, that’s asking for trouble, you don’t want to look jealous and insecure. When he wants to go to sleep before you do, don’t latch onto him because you’ll seem weak, needy, intense

All these crazy rules I’ve made up in my head so you don’t see past this facade. I’m not nonchalant, I over-think everything. I can be intense, and I’m definitely jealous at times. But in essence, at the crux of all this overanalysis. i just wish you knew there is something more than nonchalance.

[az]

This one goes out to all the best friends

It's a different type of love, and maybe we all need a break from the achy, dramatic love that comes with romance, the kind that excludes the rest of the world, the kind that's limited only to you and him / her.

So this one goes out to all the best friends in the world. The ones that smile for you when you excitedly fall in love with some new, unknown boy. The ones that sit through a bottle of tequila with you at two to five in the morning listening to you cry about said boy who cheated on you, even though they've got to be up at six for work. The ones that take time off work / school just for a little naughty afternoon shopping and eating on weekday. The ones who drag you to social events just to distract you from a broken heart. The ones who respond to every Facebook status update, just so you don't feel so alone and ignored. The ones who recognize you have a right to feel as shitty as you do about the boy who hurt you even though they'd spent the last two years telling you he was nothing but trash, the ones who don't tell you that you're a fool, that you have a right to hurt. Because they're also the ones who have the strength and the love enough to tell you to snap out of it, that he was never worth it. Because they're also the ones who have the courage to be honest enough to tell you that you'd be a fool to take the manipulative creep back. They are the ones who bombard his messenger account with warnings to leave you alone, the ones who tell him behind your back to leave you well and alone, to stop messing with your mind when he's already with someone else. And they are the ones who introduce you to new and wonderfully normal and loving boys.

This one also goes out to all the best other-gender best friends in the world. The ones that pick you up late at night for supper, just to take you out of your head. The ones that show you not all the men in the world are screw-ups and traitors.  The ones that help you believe that good people still exist in the world. The ones you can laugh with without wanting to kiss. The ones who can give you that insight into that boy's soul you've been dying to know. The ones who swear they'll beat up or get the triads to beat up the poor sod who had the poor judgment to cheat on someone as wonderful and incredible as you. This one goes out to all the incredible best other-gender best friends in the world who stuck around even when you abandoned them because your possessive ex-boyfriend went loco every time you even spoke to them. The ones that love you exactly the way you are. The ones that don't mind you snuggling against them just for a warm body without asking for anything more. The ones that come all the way down to the club from home just to drive you home. The ones that cry with you when you sit in your darkness wondering what you've done to deserve such betrayal from the one boy you'd give anything for. The ones that hurt with you when you're drowning in your darkness. The ones that hurt because they see your pain and can't do anything to touch you, or to help you.

Friends fight sometimes. We disagree. We laugh at each other. But friends are something else altogether. Friends are God's way of saying: here, I know it's tough trying to find your soulmate, but here are some other people you know for sure you can count on forever. They're like family, but better because they love you without the moral obligation attached.

I see you, my lovable friends. This is my apology, for what I have ever done to our friendships, and this is my way of reminding the world that there is more love in the world than what exists between a guy and a girl.

az.

4:34am 2/14/11

[Cuz I can't sleep and have the urge to write]

The show.

On the year that I determined to set aside a slot in my daily schedule to devote to writing, I fail at completing this goal even worse that I did before. The last thing I wrote (besides lab reports and weekly updates for my organizations) was dated on September 07, and I didn't even finish writing it.

It makes me wonder, have I been too occupied with certain things that I forgot how to take a step back and reflect on the way I live my life?

The other day I was rushing toward the lab, when I looked at the sky and saw hundreds of birds flocking across the sunset sky. I came to a sudden stop. Stop, breathe, and think. Last year, I paused at the same sky, in the middle of the exact same road, stared at the (same?)birds for probably the same amount of time and most likely made the same  number of people wonder - "What the hell is wrong with this girl?"

The thoughts and feelings of last year rushed back to me and I asked myself, where is that girl who used to know how to slow down her steps, and felt the change of the season?

Where is the girl that used to "walked the usual fifteen steps to Starbucks under the grumbling, pouting grey sky … who stood there five minutes staring at flocks and flocks of birds soaring through the sky, wondering how many of them there were, … who admired the orange leaves twirling around in a fast pace tango dance with the wind and … who could smell the sharp and crispy air and hear the crunchy sound of the leaves crumbling underneath her steps"?

That girl no longer wakes up early on Saturday mornings, enjoy warm lattes while reading newspapers, sketching new designs or writing new blog entries. In fact, she doesn't even have an idea of how she has spent her Saturday mornings lately.

She no longer takes her Friday afternoons off and de-stress by indulging herself in baking cookies, brownies or anything that her friends have a crave for and talking the afternoon (or even the evening) away. In fact, she does not even have the time to bake a birthday cake for her close friends.

She no longer spends Saturday  aiming/skyping her best friends from home. Recently, she doesn't even follow their blogs, ask them questions about their lives or return their phone calls.

She no longer awaits for her mom to call every Sunday night to talk about things that happen during the week, or to hear about things that have been going on at home. Indeed, she upsets her parents by ignoring the phone calls and making up excuses to get out of conversations.

She still works hard at things, still stays on top of school work and keeps up with her GPA.  She attends more social events and goes out more often. She keeps her groups of friends. She strikes up conversations and makes new friends in seconds. She keeps the smile on her face and a positive attitude. Yet, she knows deep down in her heart that she is just playing roles, socially and emotionally.

Her thoughts would no longer come out in writing and her feelings would no longer show in conversations. It feels like her personality has been squeezed into a tiny fragile bubble that would pop anytime. It feels like her persona has expanded into a huge elastic balloon that serve to bounce off anything she does not want to face.

She is no longer the girl who wanted to  'want to fall, heads and heels, hopelessly, “unconditionally and irrevocably' in love, all over again"? On the other hand, she just enjoys the company, the comfort, the convenience of having guys around to accommodate her needs. She knows how to play the game and she plays it the way that she could not get hurt.

Is she still me? Was it really me, with such affection and emotions,  who wrote this (http://ciel-azur.blogspot.com/2009/11/simply-autumn.html ) ?

Writing all these things down, it feels like reality just slapped me in the face. I feel content with my life. I feel less stressful dealing with schools. I feel happier being a social butterfly. I feel good at myself getting attention and special treatments from (multiple) guys. But Jesus Christ,  what exactly am I doing with my life?

I don't think I can stand this risk-free, emotion-free, lifestyle anymore.

If things seem too good to be true, it probably is.

 [az]

Quote.

It's a nice feeling. It makes you want to open up your heart, despite how much efforts you try to enclose it to protect it.

[az]

pack.

"Em đi núi đứng nhìn theo
Em đi phố khép màn chiều
Nhà vắng tiếng nói tiếng hát
Bâng khuâng chờ em

Ơi phố xá của em
Mùi cà phê thơm thật mềm
Và chiếc hôn dài tiễn đưa

Thị trấn êm đềm kia là nơi em quay về
Nhà thưa phố vắng bao mùa đi qua không khép
Vẫn có bè bạn vẫn có hò hẹn
Một thời nhỏ bé với chiếc hôn đầu tiên"
[Lyric: Thị Trấn]

Nhiều lúc không từ biệt hết được với những người mình muốn từ biệt. Nhiều lúc không muốn từ biệt vì có phải là ra đi không ngày gặp lại đâu. Nhiều lúc từ biệt chỉ là cái cớ để chào hỏi lần nữa. Nhiều lúc từ biệt cho xong nhanh nhanh vì biết rằng nơi mình đến có người đang đợi để chào hỏi mình, và nơi đó là nơi mình cần đến để thấy đời có chút ý nghĩa.

Sẽ nhớ nhưng rồi sẽ quên.


[az]
24.08.10

Spoiled brat.

Nhiều lúc thoạt nghĩ mình đúng là đứa được nuông chiều riết nên đâm quen, không có thì thấy bức rức trong người.

Cả nhà, chỉ có sinh nhật mình là được ưu tiên, được ba mẹ mua quà, được ba mẹ dắt đi chơi, đãi tiệc ở nhà, được bạn bè hết người này đến người khác dẫn đi ăn uống. Lỡ sau này sinh nhật không làm gì chắc lại buồn và trách người khác không quan tâm.

Ở nhà, được ưu tiên không phải làm việc nhà, vì “đi làm, đi học mệt” và vì “một năm ở nhà có 3 tháng nên coi như khách”. Sáng chỉ mỗi việc pha café, tối đi chơi có người rước và về chỉ việc mở tủ lạnh, lấy … mặt nạ đắp và đi ngủ. Rồi nên đâm lười, mỗi khi bị nhờ thì lại lười. Ba kêu tập chạy xe cũng lười, vì ngại phải tự mình đi.

Đi ăn, lúc nào cũng được các anh chị ưu tiên cho chọn nhà hàng, chọn món ưa thích, ăn xong được các anh chị trả tiền cho, “vì em nhỏ nhất cơ quan”. Đi với bạn bè cũng vẫn được ưu tiên vậy, vì thường là đi với bọn con trai, “vì mày là con gái”. Toàn bạn bè gọi rủ đi chơi, ít khi phải đụng đến điện thoại và cũng phần lớn toàn được đón tận nơi và đưa về tận nhà. Đi chơi chưa bao giờ biết việc đi taxi về. Sướng mà không biết hưởng, những lúc ăn lại chạnh lòng nghĩ, phải mà mình đi với …, vì lúc nào cũng được gắp cho ăn, không phải đụng đến đũa và vì muôn vàn lý do khác.

Sang bên Mỹ, phòng có roommate dọn dẹp cho, tóc tai roommate nhuộm cho, đi chơi cũng roommate làm tóc và ủi đồ. Ăn uống cũng có người nhắc nhở, hoặc thèm đồ ăn ở ngoài thì có big sis và các anh order hoặc đem về cho dâng tận miệng. Cuối tuần muốn coi phim gọi cho các anh down phim, xong chỉ có việc vác gối sang nằm xem, có sẵn snack để vừa ăn vừa xem và có sẵn giường để xem xong lăn ra ngủ. Có chuyện gì cũng có người nghe kể lể nỉ nôi. Sướng mà không biết hưởng cứ than là ở bên đó khổ lắm, việc gì cũng phải tự làm. Ở bên đó thì đòi về Việt Nam, bây giờ ở Việt Nam thì lại nhớ mọi người (vì đang phải ngồi tự down phim và lủi thủi coi phim một mình.)

Ít ra cũng được một chuyện là nhận ra rằng:

1. Mình được nuông chiều hư hỏng ra sao và như thế nào.

2. Mình chắc phải còn được nuông chiều thêm một thời gian nữa.

3. Còn sướng lắm, chưa có khổ đâu.

4. Cho dù có khổ thì life still goes on.

5. Life goes on thì khổ một lúc chắc rồi sẽ sướng lại thôi.

Phải quyết tâm sửa 1 và 2. Không sửa nhiều thì sửa ít.

[az]

[28.06.10]

Free ... fall?

When I looked back on my old entries, the last decent piece I wrote was after Christmas break. That was the time when the ground was still covered in white snow and my life was consumed by work, work and work. In a blink of an eye, now, outside of my window, the cherry blossoms are “pinking” the campus and the birds are chirping (even when you’re in the library trying to study for finals). Suddenly, it makes me feel kind of sad how fast life go and how much I have been consumed by certain things I miss many chances to live it the way I want to. 

Time flies by. Before I realize it, Viv has technically already done with her college career, Dung and HH are graduating next year and many many many of my other friends are already working and making their living. Around me, people are studying abroad, doing internship, travelling, working, getting married, building their family, … Around me, people are constantly moving on, growing up …

Here I am, still a freshman in college, cannot do anything but helplessly looking at others around me fly high. I am still dependent on my parents, still complain about those papers I have to do and still get lazy and refuse to do work. Honestly, I’m yearning to be able to get out there, to be one of the many in the world who is able to say that they work for themselves and they contribute to the society. Why can’t I just learn everything I need already and get out there and do something?

Every time I have free time to sit back, look out my window and think, I feel like I am wasting time. I ask myself “What am I doing with my life? Shouldn’t I be busy with something?” I am worried because I am not worried. I get scared and anxious when there is not enough stress and anxiety in my life. But even when I’m busy and stressed, I still feel like I am wandering aimlessly and doing things without knowing why I am doing it. 

 

I got to think about days gone by, that carefree time when our schedules were as wide open as our hearts. The time before school and work and relationships began to wind us all down. I couldn’t help but wonder does that sense of adventure still flicker inside of us? Or when it comes to being carefree single girls, have we missed the boat? Or more precisely, have I missed the boat? Have I missed my opportunity to dream big? Have I become too realistic about life that I do not work for my dream anymore? What is it that I am doing exactly?

Today, my psychology professor gave us feedback on our personality tests. Apparently, my need for achievement is not as high as I thought it was. I just implanted in my mind the idea that I am a high-achieving person, while deep inside, I am not at all. 

After all, I am just afraid that I will fall. Or maybe, I AM already falling ….

[az]