"Em muốn ôm cả đất

Em muốn ôm cả trời

Mà sao anh ơi... 

Em ko ôm nổi trái tim một con người"

Crushes, and homesickness

This is definitely way pass my bed time and my eyelids are so heavy they just want to stay close. However, I want to finish writing this entry before I wake up tomorrow and let myself being carried away by my busy daily routine. 

This morning, I came across this video on the Facebook of one of my students. I have never been a big fan of Vietnamese movies or music because in my opinion they generally are not that great. Naturally, I don't follow them as often. This short movie produced by a group of Vietnamese in the US, either born here or came here to study abroad, however, caught my attention. To be honest, I didn't think neither the acting nor the story line was that great but the movie got me thinking. Although I chose a different path to study abroad and my story is far from similar to the one of the main actress, she still reminded me of the time when I first arrived at the US. That lonely feeling with no one around to share with how you feel, with occasional phone calls from home that just make you homesick even more, and with the simple happiness of having a friend to past time with. I was reminded of all the tears that I cried from being scared of not knowing what to do, surrounded by only strangers. The sixteen year old girl who tried to make her way into another culture, another country with so many new things to learn and too little support to lean on. The sixteen year old girl who decided to leave the comfort of her family to find her dreams and fight with disappointments and harsh reality. I have been in the US for more than six years now and I thought I would have been used to being by myself. That actually is not true. There are still moments when I get jealous of my friends who can go home for holidays, enjoy homemade food, receive care packages from their parents, etc. It is difficult sometimes to realize that I have to make all my decisions alone, without receiving any advice from my parents. Sometimes I wish I were still at an age when all I have to do is to listen to what my parents tell me to do and do it, without having to worry about what the consequences would be. It makes me wonder, why did I ever leave that zone of absolute comfort, warmth and carefreeness and wander into this cruel world? 

I spent the rest of the night watching short clips and videos about high school time in Vietnam. It's always been known to us that high school, especially the last two years, are the best time of one's life. Leaving the country before I could experience that "happiest moment", I can only imagine how it would be if I had stayed home instead. For the little bit of memory that I had, middle school was the best part of my life and I would relive that any day (although I'm not sure how I feel about having to go through all those rough exams and tests again). I think everyone would agree that what makes high school years so beautiful and memorable is because it's the transitioning period into adulthood. We experience the best and most innocent feelings: having a crush on someone and having a dream. I would say I miss that feeling of liking someone secretly and not having the courage to tell that person. Being the bold and straighforward girl that I am now, I don't think that feeling will ever come back. I would also say I miss that feeling when even a light touch makes so you feel so happy you could burst into bubbles and fly into the sky. But I wouldn't say that feelings now are not as desirable. It is true that my relationships nowadays involve playing games, texting, facebooking, fancy dates, movie nights, sleep overs, etc. A simple touch doesn't matter as much in a country where physical contact means nothing more than just friendliness. But I feel like the feelings that you get when you know that your feelings are being reciprocated are the same. The first of everything is always the most exciting. I have seen lots of guys for the past four years but I can still clearly remember the first time I got that confirmation from each of them, the moment when you know they feel the same and that you're not just a sad single and lonely girl with one-sided crush. Yes, I miss all the innocent hang-outs at the mall and hand-written notes to each other. I miss the awkward moment when we sit next to each others and have nothing to say. But I also love the moments when I can cuddle up to the familiar scent and feel that comfortable warmth surrounded me. I love the feeling of going to bed and wake up in the morning with pure happiness. 

It is true that there are lots of memories I want to cherish and that sometimes I look back and wish I could go back to the days when I were young. However, I believe that each stage of my life has its own excitement and things I can look forward to, and remember when I look back from the future. I believe that feelings are feelings, doesn't matter how you express it, doesn't matter how many times you have done it, the excitement and happiness that they bring about will still be the same. And isn't that what life a little bit less lonely, especially for a girl who is away from home like me? 

Daily Note

It's been a while since I've watched anything Vietnamese. The fact that I couldn't go home this summer and possibly for another year does make me a little bit sad. I actually miss Vietnam more than I think. It's like a comfort zone for me. You know that feeling when you have a rough day at work then you get home to your mom's cooking and it feels like everything will be alright? That's how I feel about going home every year. It is like returning to safe zone after a glorious and tough battle. 

Anyway, about this video, it makes me miss the time of middle school when everything was so innocent. I miss that feeling of having a crush on someone and trying your best to get their attention, but at the same time afraid that your classmates would find about it and laugh at you. It wasn't about fancy dinner dates, parties with alcohol or vacation trips to the beach and such. I'm not saying that those things aren't nice. But back then it was purely just feelings, and how to let the other person know those feelings. So even the smallest gestures count. It was the time of no texting (or minimal texting anyway), no facebook, or anything of that sort. It was the time of calling and hanging up (I must have done that at least once) or trying to find excuses to go to each other's classes. 

Sometimes I wish my dating life can be like those days .... 

Daily Note

I really should learn that I don't always get what I want. Things happen. Time to move on.

Daily note.

I still laugh at this note every time I read it. Such a cute gesture from the guy. I still remembered how much it made my day to wake up to this, even though it confused me quite a bit at first.

You were such a sweetheart (maybe not anymore). Still, thanks for all the memories :)

Workers Compensation

by Viet Pdf Nguyen on Wednesday, April 27, 2011 at 7:49am 

Although workers compensation law must provide a balance, it should never

form a loophole for those employers who want to price out risks that are going to 

cause injury. A "true intent" interpretation of the exclusivity exception will give you

such a loophole. This is because when an employer as immunity for culpability up

to pure intent, any risk that was taken for a legitimate business purpose will never

qualify for an exception. However, courts using a relaxed view of intent are going to

prevent such pricing out of workplace injuries. Only a relaxed standard will let you 

bring a tort claim for a substantially certain risk of injury - effectively tearing down

the financial incentive by increasing cost. Thus the proper standard is never going 

to be true intent when the goal is increasing workplace safety. But, it is critical to

remember that workers compensation represents a quid-pro-quo and we can't run

the risk of upsetting the balance. Using an intent standard somewhere around

"substantially certainty" would continue to provide immunity for safe employers and 

only increase the liability exposure for this employers whose actions would desert

the standard of "accident" under tort. Therefore, when defining exclusivity, if you

lose time from work, accidents in which the employee loses time, they carry

on. 

Daily Note.

I must admit that I have pretty bad temper. And because I have a pretty straightforward personality, my temper doesn't help me with my attempt to try to be nice to people.

Recently, I have been in constant bad mood. I could blame it on stress (here it goes again: taking Orgo is exhausting), but to be honest, I am nowhere as stressed as I am during the school year. Something definitely bothers me though. Usually I am a pretty social person, and I enjoy the company of people. There are even times when I get scared of being alone and have to actively search for people to be with. Yet recently, being around people annoys me. When my friends get too excited or start making too much noise, I get irritated. I feel terrible, because I shouldn't be taking out my bad mood on other people, especially those who do nothing wrong to me. It gets to the point where I just try to hide in my room most of the time, like literally, go into my room, lock the door, and pretend that I am not home so that people won't bother me. Or it gets to the point that I repeatedly ask him if I could stay over just because I don't want to go home and deal with all the people.

It's pretty terrible isn't it? I try to listen to happy music, exercise when I can and focus on working on my wall project when I am in my antisocial mood. But it has been more than two weeks and it doesn't seem to get any better. Maybe I just need a change in people I hang out with. I have always been a social butterfly but the good thing about that is I can switch up the people I am with all the time. During the summer, there's not much choice though.

On a more positive note, I got to talk to So Youn this Saturday and that made me happy. She has always been my support all the time and I get strangely attached to her. If she was a guy, I wouldn't be surprised to see myself with her *laugh* I miss random conversations, midnight meals, all-nighters and sleep overs at each other's places. I have been so spoiled recently that I like the feeling of having someone to sleep with me. Not a good habit, I must say.

I guess one good thing about me is that very little things can make me happy, even when I am in constant bad mood. Such as certain text messages, or chat conversations. They may not matter to the people who said all that stuff, but to me, those were definitely pick-me-up moments. So when I get really exhausted from studying and get irritated at people, I can just think about those moments and smile.

My wall is getting filled up and it is looking just how I want it to be.
And my mom is in the US, visiting.

Summer is going to end soon. I am half looking forward to the school year, half wanting to go back to the beginning of May and relive the summer. Although, on second thought, I would not want to go through another period of Orgo. I am trying my best, but it is killing my brain cells definitely.

Hopefully, I'll make the best out of the next 3 weeks.

P/S:  Hmmmm, should I go on a super random and creative date? 

Daily Note.

   This is the first time in a very long time that I feel so discouraged and defeated. Ever since I was a kid, I have always firmly believed that if I work hard and put enough efforts into something, I will do well. And I live by that. No matter what I do, whether it's school, organizations, friends' birthday parties or simply just working out, I always try to put in my best. Even in "relationships", although no one really believes that I actually put efforts into them. That's just how I am and I get questions from people all the time: "Why do you always work so hard?"

   This summer class is tiring me out. I wake up at 7am, review for classes while eating breakfast, get to class by 825am, pay full attention til 11am, study during lunch break, stay in lab from 1 - 4pm, study during the little time I have until workshop starts at 530pm, and study from when workshop ends until whenever the sun goes down. I haven't worked this hard for a class ever since high school. Yet, I still didn't do well. I don't know why and it frustrates the heck out of me. It crushes my values to the core. What happens to "work hard and you will get it"?

   Yes, I may sound like I am whining, and defending myself, but what am I supposed to do? As I'm growing up, I have slowly came to a realization that not everything goes my way and not everything will end up the way I want them to be. However, that does not mean that I can just sit around and let things happen. I like to fight for what I believe is right and I like to see myself working for it.

  Nevertheless, the fight can get very long and I eventually get worn out. Times like this, I always tell myself to be strong, to stand up and keep fighting. Although, to be honest, sometimes I just want to give up. It is very tiring to be strong all the time. 


  After a long day beating myself over my incompetence, I went home hoping that I could get some of the frustration out of my system. Then, I realized I couldn't. The moment I started talking about, tears came out and I felt so weak and pathetic, I stopped. I was looking for someone to pick me up, to encourage me, to keep me going but I can't bear the thought of looking pathetic in front of them. In the end, I just hide in my room, cry, then motivate myself and keep myself going.

  Actually, there has always been Brennan. He has always been there for me through my ups and downs, more so on the down side. He never does much, never talks much, but he's always able to make me feel a whole lot better. I come to him when I'm sad, "depressed", disappointed, angry, happy, excited, etc. But then at the same time, truth is, I really don't have anyone to come to besides him. 


 I recently put on my wall a list of reasons why I can be alone and still be happy, to remind myself that, indeed, I can. However, sometimes it's just very hard to keep going. Sometimes you fall, and even though you know you can get up by yourself, you know it just feels so much better to have someone to lean on. 


 Haven't found that someone yet ...


 Until then, I will keep getting up by myself. And I will still believe that if I work hard at something, I will do it well. 


 Don't give up, az. You can do it. 

Daily Note. 4th of July version

I normally don't celebrate 4th of July, simply cuz I have never really been in the US during the summer to celebrate it.

But may be also because I have never been that much into fireworks. I love watching them, but it's like, I'm not gonna die if I don't see them.

My housemates and I had a super chilled 4th of July. We just went to Starbucks (for the A/C and the bathroom cuz ours was broken =.=) and hung out for hours.

I very much enjoyed my time sitting in the sun, studying for Orgo and getting distracted by color pencils and starting a sketch.

It was very relaxing to play with colors.
I miss those days when I could just go to art classes and draw my day away, and didn't appreciate them at all. I want to take art classes again.

Daily Note.

I have never been the type to take 10 thousand pictures of myself and put it on Facebook or Youtube. It makes me feel very self-conscious and uncomfortable. As much as I like attention in reality, I hate unnecessary attention via online social meida. Thus, there is a reason behind this camera whore moment.

Today is an fairly gloomy Monday. After an extremely long and stressed out week, I woke up with the realization that this week is not going to be any better. There are exams and finals coming up, which I actually have to do well in. Moreover, I will want to slack off on studying and going to work, but I won't be able to. Pretty depressing mood to begin the day.

However, I have been studying nonstop for my Motivation psych class, and surprisingly, I learned something. As I laid in bed, I thought of how I should not let the stupid weather put me in a bad mood and how I still have to keep going with my no-negative-adjective resolution. Thus, I decided to get out of bed and looked pretty.

I totally went out of my comfort (or emo) zone and purposely put on something bright colors. It might not have affected my mood significantly, but it totally brightened up the dark aura surrounding me. I swear I had more than 10 people came up to me and wondered why I had something white on today.

Bottom line is, I tried something different and it lightened up my mood. And I truly believe that a girl can dress and look pretty anytime she wants to just for the sake of looking pretty.

13 more days and I can work hard on something else that is not exam and is much more interesting.

Summer is coming <3

Daily Note.

I ran into him for the first time since we were "over" tonight.
I was someone else's date for the banquet, and he, of course, brought his girlfriend.
I didn't think it would affect me this much, but there's just this uneasy feeling keep churning in my stomach. I am so such a bad person for thinking this, but I feel slightly jealous with her. She is pretty but I don't know what is it about her that could keep him, while I couldn't. Okay, to be fair, I kind of let him go on my own, due to circumstances, I really have no right to be feeling like this. Still, I keep having this thought in my head: "A year ago, it was me in that spot".

A year ago, it was me who he texted and called to say goodnight. It was me who he took care of so gently and so tentatively, wouldn't let me stand in the cold for even 1 minute, would lend me his coat whenever I wanted it, would put the blanket over me when I fell asleep studying in his office. It was my hand whose he held possessively in front of his friends. It was me who picked out dress shirts for him the morning. It was me who had his attention, and his care at all time.

Now, all I could get was a hug and mundane conversation like we were even less than friends. I have broken up with more than one guys. I wasn't even that upset nor cry when I ended things with him. Things just happened naturally. But for some reason, this haunts me more than anything. I keep wishing that I wasn't so stupid and could let go of my ego. I wish it was a better timing when I didn't have to go abroad when he needed someone with him. I just secretly I could have been there, last night at the banquet, as his girlfriend.

How greedy of me. Wishing for something that I let go just because other girls get it. Maybe next time, I shouldn't let go of someone that makes me truly happy. Or maybe next time, I should just keep my head, and heels, high and make them secretly wish they didn't let me go. Yep, that's how it should be.

Thanks God I actually looked flawless last night, and it wasn't one of those days when I bum around in nerdy glasses.

Okay, 10 minutes of regretting time is over. Time to move on.

Daily Note.

Starbucks 4:21pm
The first sunny day in Rochester

I am trying extremely hard not to stare, or pull out my camera to take picture of a guy sitting next to me.
He's writing a letter with a fountain pen (!) on beautiful paper and in gorgeous and neat cursive hand writing, looking incredibly calm and happy.
This makes me feel like something melted inside me, warm and peaceful.
At least I know that somewhere in this world, there are still people who appreciate the art of writing.
Whoever that letter will be sent to, I am sure it will make his/her day.
One day, I wish I can receive a letter just like that.

Daily Note: Wake up slow

Waking up early to the gorgeous sunshine weather, I realized I haven't sit down for breakfast, coffee and the New York Times for a very long time. Despite having got up in the morning early frequently this year, I haven been consumed by appointments, deadlines, emails that I don't remember the last time I spend some time with myself to begin the day.

I have never thought of myself as a morning person, but apparently I am. I actually enjoy waking up early, taking my time to shower, putting on make-up extremely slowly, picking my outfit, matching accessories, organizing my bag, scheduling what I have to do during the day,etc. Being able to do all these things makes me happy. I know, happiness in such trivial things. I know I just got back from vacation, but the feeling of being able to take my time during a busy schedule is entirely different from knowing that you have all the time in the world to waste. 

Of course, Jack Johnson is playing, and my favorite blogger is talking about pancakes and french toast.

I think, if I could ask for one wish right at this moment, my wish would be:

1.  Have an evening off and do something enjoyable but relaxing. I have been all over the place and got sucked in with parties and social events every single weekend for the longest time ever. How I yearn for just a quiet evening. Maybe after going out for dinner, I can just grab a pint of ice cream, and a bunch of unhealthy snacks, snuggle under my blanket and enjoy a movie or two or read a novel until I fall asleep.

2. Wake up slow. I want to be able to wake up without the first thought of "What should I be doing today?". I just want to lay in bed for a while, doing nothing, listen to my morning play list. Breakfast in bed would be amazing. I suddenly have a craving for pancakes, or french toatsts, with tons of fresh fruits, and yogurt. I don't know what I want to do after that but to beable to start my morning that way would be more than enough.

Aiya, I feel like I have been wanting such simple things in life lately. Honestly though, it's the simple things in life that bring you happiness.

1 more exam, a few more things to do for Vagina Monologues, and maybe I will reward myself  . Although, I can't help but think, wouldn't it be nice if I have someone to surprise me with such a wonderful plan? Now, that is a REAL wish to be asking for.

[az]

Daily Note: Students

Students, students, students, you guys are driving me crazy ... but make me happy at the same time.
Wonder if I was like you 7 years ago - I probably was: full of myself, thought that I knew everything and annoying as hell, yet full of ambition, and confidence, and dreams.

You guys reminded me of all those nights when I stayed up to study SAT and TOEFL, to write essays and fill in college applications. I knew exactly all the feelings that you are going through: to be nervous before the tests, to be excited picking out schools and thinking about the new life in the US, to be disappointed when things aren't going the way you want to.

I've never thought I'd be the teacher type of person, I have no patience for kids, any type of kids, lol. But working with you guys, I see myself and that makes me want to help you even more, as a friend. It makes me happy when you call me after the exams and tell me how well you did. And to be able to experience all over again all the emotions of excitement, homesickness, confusion, etc. whenever you guys call/chat with me when you have gotten in to your dream college and living the American dream.

Students, you drive me crazy. But you reminded me of the time when I was just as crazy, and annoying. Every time I stand in class, I re-find my own dream and ambition in you guys, and keep going because I'm still just a freaking twenty-two year old college kid who still have a lot to learn.

Study time ;)