Daily Note

Have you ever had that feeling when you want to believe something so badly that it hurts? But then the fact that you still have doubts even though you want to believe troubles you even more? It's like I am stuck in this intersection and voices from all directions telling me different things. I'm lost and confused and even more frustrated because I don't know whom to believe, even myself. 

After all, people only see what they want to believe, and believe in what they want to see. 

Things I love, and hate, Thursday

1. I'm moving to a new apartment on Saturday, which means lots and lots and lots of packing. Last night, I went through all my college notes and realized that it really is over. It was a bittersweet feeling throwing things away. It was like closing another chapter of my life. I always have trouble letting go of the past.

2. Moving to a new apartment also means that I get to decorate my room all over again. I am actually excited for my new room since I saved several paychecks for all the furniture. Exceptionally excited about these pillows.

3. It has been said that among relationships, money and career, you can only have the most two out of three at one time. I feel like I'm dealing with so much financial stuff right now my head is about to burst open any moment. I wish I had stayed at home longer so I could learn all these things from my parents, instead of struggling and trying to learn everything on my own now. I hate making big decisions, especially when they are money related. At least the other two are going ... okay.

4. Got my learner's permit (finally, feel like this is missing teenage-hood right here). Next step, getting that carrrrrrrrr. Another big decision to make, and a complicated one too. Nonetheless, it's exciting. Look at this sexy baby though ...

5. List of grad schools is finalized. Time to tackle those personal statements and applications. GRE exams are lining up, too. Deep breath, I can do this.

6. Month 3 of pilates with Cassey Ho. I can see/feel all the muscles on my body toning up. Also able to get up to 3 miles much faster now. I need to work extra hard on my diet if I want to lose a bit more weight though.

7. Red ombre hair - highlight of the month. Every year I would go home to get a hair cut and styling from my aunt, since I can't do it this year, I had to pay for it because my hair was bothering me so much. It cost me an arm and a leg but I was extra happy with it. Bright bright bright red and soft too.

8. My friends have recently introduced me to this casino place, more like they go there for the gambling and I go there to watch them play. The spa here is another story. I miss my spa sessions in Vietnam. I feel like my body is aching for a spa day so badly. Maybe next time when I get a chance to, I'll come back here just to treat myself to something nice.

9. Convinced the best friend to get snapchat. Getting his snaps and random short videos every day makes me so happy. It makes me feel like that 7000 miles gap between us is really not that far apart.

10. Learned so many new things this month, including football and cars. I could see why guys are so into these things. I guess I am such a girl after all because I get so confused and ask the most clueless questions. Feel like one of those super girly-acting-dumb girls, but I am actually clueless. It is fun learning new stuff though, and great topics to get those guys talking too.

11. Looking forward for people to come back to school, and hopefully, it will be a fun and eventful semester for Sigma this year too.

It's been a productive month for me, with a few relaxing short trips here and there. September, let's make it a good month too. 

P/S: Successfully squeezed in a post while waiting for my friend to get out of work. Having Starbucks to myself is the best.

“It’s probably not just by chance that I’m alone. It would be very hard for a man to live with me, unless he’s terribly strong. And if he’s stronger than I, I’m the one who can’t live with him. … I’m neither smart nor stupid, but I don’t think I’m a run-of-the-mill person. I’ve been in business without being a businesswoman, I’ve loved without being a woman made only for love. The two men I’ve loved, I think, will remember me, on earth or in heaven, because men always remember a woman who caused them concern and uneasiness. I’ve done my best, in regard to people and to life, without precepts, but with a taste for justice.” 
― Coco Chanel

Daily Note

I thought after all this time I would no longer write about you but here I am again. I try not to because every time I do, it is full of sadness, regrets, anger or frustration. But I like to write because I know once I'm done writing about something, I won't have to be stuck with those thoughts for days. I simply put everything into words, leave them here and move on.

After all this time, I'm still not sure how I really feel, or how we really feel about each other in that matter. I could be lying in bed one Friday night and miss you like I would miss my Starbucks green tea latte. Then I would get dressed, go out, meet a cute guy, and forget all about my pathetic lonely self a few hours earlier. I could be waking up next to you one Sunday morning then get into a fight with you later that night and would refuse to see you again for the next two months. I could be writing you emails that make you run for the hills then the next day I would tell you to stop bother me so I could be with another guy. I am a selfish person. I do everything for myself. However, when it comes to you, I wonder if I really am doing everything for myself, or I am just getting frustrated after days and months of waiting for you to realize what I am to you. 

I hate that I turn into the jealous and sarcastic girl around you. I am never that way around any other guy because I trust all my guys completely, just like how I used to trust you with all my mind. Sometimes I do things that I am not completely proud of, so I believe that it is the same case for everyone. We are all human. We make mistakes. We are all young. We lose control of our minds sometimes and do things that we would like to slap ourselves in the face for the next day. But I always want to believe that no matter what happens, it will always be me whom they come back to in the end. I am a confident girl after all. Yet, when I see you or hear about you with someone else, I have this feeling in my stomach that drains all my energy. I feel that I am such a bad person for having double standards, for having all these thoughts and for getting upset because after all, who am I to you anyway?  "Whatever, I don't care" is my go-to sentence that I always tell myself and others when it comes to these situations. But do I really not? That knot in my stomach tells me that it's more like I don't want to know because I want to stay in denial, to only see what will make me happy and ignore what makes me sad. Then my mind would find reasons for me to look at things on the "bright" side, so that the next time I see you and the next time you put your arms around me, I will continue to live that lie. 

I know why it didn't work out between us and I know, from the bottom of my heart, that it never will. I am strong enough to fake my emotions and pretend like I don't care but not enough to bear all these doubts and pain. I am patient enough to keep forgiving things that you have done to me but not enough to wait for you to realize that I mean more to you than you think. I am selfish enough to want to protect my heart, but not enough to put it beyond everything else in my life and find ways to make you mine. 

I feel like I'm standing on a fragile glass floor that has become so fragile from so many times I stepped back and forth. If I don't move, I will fall and get hurt. If I step forward like I've done multiple times in the past, I could be safe. But at this point, the glass may break the moment I walk away and I would never be able to go back to where I was. Or what if I take a wrong step forward and everything shatters? 

What if in the end, no matter what I do, I would still end up falling and getting hurt? Then what do I do?

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