Sài Gòn giấu anh kĩ quá ...

Lost in Translation

31.12.2011

Trong khi mọi người nô nức đổ về trung tâm thành phố để chuẩn bị đón mừng năm mới thì nó hòa theo dòng người … để đi về nhà.

Hôm nay nó đi café với 2 đứa bạn cũ. Nói chuyện bâng quơ. Nó bảo: “Dạo này về VN chán”. 2 đứa bạn phản đối. Thằng bạn nó nói: “Nói ra thì thấy mình có vẻ bề ngoài, nhưng về VN mới thấy mình có giá. Ra đường mới thấy mình đại gia so với người khác. Ở US thấy mình bình thường, ko muốn đi đâu.”

Câu nói đó cứ ám ảnh nó mãi. Thật là nó cũng thích về VN.

Về VN có mẹ nấu ăn ngon, không phải sáng coffee tối cereal cho qua bữa.

Về VN được ăn ngủ và chơi thỏa thích, không phải thức đêm đèn sách.

Về VN được đi roof top cafe, được đi spa massage, được đi làm móng tay móng chân, được đi shopping thoải mái.

Về VN đi chơi bằng taxi, hoặc đi chơi bạn bè đưa đón bằng xe tay ga, có đứa đưa đón bằng cả Audi hoặc BMW.

Về VN đi ăn sushi bar, ăn đồ Hàn Quốc, ăn điểm tâm Trung Quốc, ăn tráng miệng Pháp, đi bar, đi club, đi uống cocktails, etc.

Về VN quen biết nhiều, gọi là có connection, đi đâu chỉ cần alô một tiếng là có bàn đặt sẵn.

Về VN cuối tuần có ba chở đi Vũng Tàu, chán Sài Gòn thì đi Quy Nhơn, Phan Thiết, thậm chí đi Singapore.

Nó bình thường vẫn nói, tụi trẻ dạo này ăn chơi quá. Nhìn lại, không biết mình khác tụi nhỏ bao nhiêu. Chiều nay một mình ngồi quán café đọc sách, nhìn người người qua lại phố xá mà thấy nó sao sống giả tạo quá. Bảo đảm nó là một trong những đứa mà người khác nhìn vào nói rằng: “Con này giả danh trí thức, bày đặt đi café đọc sách nhìn cho sang trọng.”

Lúc còn nhỏ đi chơi chẳng đứa nào nghĩ tới sự khác biệt của đồng tiền, lớn lên rồi mới thấy. Dạo này nó không xin tiền ba mẹ đi chơi, chỉ đi làm dành dụm được bao nhiêu thì chơi bấy nhiêu. Vậy mà đâu dám nó là: “Tao hết tiền rồi, không đi chơi được”. Bạn bè nó toàn con nhà đại gia, đi chơi dễ dàng rút thẻ ra trả vô tư. Nhiều lúc nghĩ nó cũng cảm thấy hơi tủi. Ừ, nó sống giả tạo thật nhỉ.

Thật ra, dạo này về VN thấy buồn. Không phải chán, mà là buồn. Bữa giờ chỉ ở nhà, lúc nào chán ở nhà thì lại café với bạn 1-2 tiếng rồi lại dạo phố Sài Gòn một mình. Đi bộ từ phố này sang phố khác, nơi nay qua nơi khác, lững thững tai đeo ipod, mắt nhìn bâng quơ. Đi mệt thì vào công viên hoặc kiếm góc nào đây mở sách ra đọc. Bữa giờ về đã đọc được hết 7,8 quyển tiểu thuyết mà sao vẫn thấy mình một mình. Nhìn người qua lại chạnh lòng nghĩ, phải chi có đứa nào quen đi ngang gọi tên mình một tiếng. Rồi lại phì cười, đất Sài Gòn rộng lớn, làm gì có chuyện vô tình gặp như vậy.

Nhắn tin cho H, bảo them ăn kem. Cách đây 2 năm có lẽ đã được đáp ứng yêu cầu ngay. Bây giờ đến 1 tin nhắn trả lời cũng ko có.

Nhắn tin cho thằng bạn nhà ở Q1, bảo tao đang một mình, phải đợi 3 tiếng nữa chị mới rước, ra café với tao đi. Nó bảo, thôi mày ạ.

Nhìn cái list contact dài dằng dặc, nhìn phố xá người đi lại vui như trẩy hội mà tự nhiên thấy lòng trống rỗng. Như một cái vỏ dờ dật, hoàng nháng bên ngoài.

Người ta nói, cô đơn nhất không phải là khi bạn một mình, trốn tránh vào một góc khuất và không ai ở cạnh, mà cảm giác cô đơn nhất là khi trước mặt không có chướng ngại vật mà vẫn không ai bước đến bên bạn. giống như đứng giữa góc phố đầy người mà xoay đi ngoảnh lại chỉ có mình ta với ta.

Đi đâu, làm gì mới thấy người hết trống rỗng đây và đời hết vô vị đây? Do mình thay đổi, hay do người đổi thay?

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Got an email in my inbox when I got home, letting me know that, somewhere in this world, there's still someone thinking about me. Maybe the place where I belong is where there are people waiting for me, and where I can truly be myself. 

[az]

Have myself a [sweet] merry little christmas

It is definitely beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Now that my friends are coming home, there are suddenly so much more things to do in Saigon.

Immediately the morning when she arrived home, Quyen called me up for the long-awaited girls' night out between the two of us, accompanied by cocktails and, well, stories.We wouldn't be the two that hang out 24/7 and call each other up every other day to gossip. But whenever there's something going on, she'd come to me. I'm the older one after all. Sitting on the balcony overlooking one of the five star hotels and the most luxury streets of Saigon, sipping Cosmo, we felt like real cosmopolitan girls with troubles that we could temporarily forget about.

Cosmo <3

It felt like  we haven't changed much since high school.  It reminded me of all those times when she would barge in my room asking what the hell happened that got me into a relationship over night. Or  when I lied to the teachers and deans to sign us out for the weekend to my friend's college so that she could have her first drinking party and stop worry about the jerk that broke her heart. Or all those times when she would make me dinners when I got sick. Or when we went on spring break together and I taught her how to ride a bike and we went on tons of picnic. Or when she called up my parents so that I could go on the 4 day weekend trip to the island with her, when I was feeling down. The list of things we did together goes on: making food for International Club, planning the fashion show, burning the kitchen down attempting to make biscuits and biscotti (thanks to that we're both excellent bakers now), covering for each other to sneak out of the dorm, skipping classes to watch movies, getting ready for dances, doing nails and facial at 6am. I definitely did go pick fights with tons of people on her behalf, and she stopped me from punching many girls in their faces. Heheheh, for the Pres and VP of Dorm Council, we definitely broke more rules and caused more troubles than anyone else ;) As we walked the crowded streets of Saigon, reminiscing all the teenager stuff we did at boarding school, it felt like those good times were so long ago.

Saigon suddenly looks so much better when I'm not drinking cocktails by myself anymore. The streets are crowded with people taking pictures. I've never been a big fan of dressing up in pretty clothes and high heels, and doing my hair and putting on make up, so that I could go take ten thousand pictures in front of a Christmas tree =.= I like to dress up to look pretty all the time, but I don’t think I need to have the confirmation from all the people on the street, or the competition with the girl standing next to me to see who can strike a sexier pose and stop more guys from walking away … But I mean, I have no right to judge what people do. They do what they want, certainly an admirable trait. It is definitely super fun to watch, hehe. So we spent the entire night at the coffee shop just staring at people passing by down on the streets. 

Saigon by night.

Nice spot to stalk people ;)

It is going to be packed with people on the night of the 24th. I'm planning on staying at home to avoid being pushed around, getting lost with friends and ending up stuck in traffic for hours. I've already got my Christmas party plus sleep over with friends. So may just midnight mass and a good night sleep. Sometimes I wish I could be little again to get presents from Santa. Although, I was a really curious and smart kids, I figured out that my parents were behind the presents hid away in the closet when I was, like, four. And my older sister still hates me for ruining Christmas for her. Oops.

But Christmas without presents is kind of, sad. Maybe I will buy a present for myself, but I don't even want anything this year in particular. I was planning on making my annual Christmas wish list as I've been doing for the past few years but scratched the idea because I couldn't think of anything to put down. Maybe I could wish for Santa to make me a little bit less cynical and logical, and stop looking at things in such a rational and factual way, and stop ruining fantasy and romance. Meh, if that's the case, I may as well just ask him to bring me a hippopotamus, or a unicorn.

Christmas this year will significantly lack of wishes from everyone too, since I have deactivated my facebook, the only mean for me to keep in touch with many of my friends from all over the world. Maybe I will reactivate it again for the day, or maybe I won't. After all, the ones who care won't give up only because they can't find me on Facebook.

Anyways, breakfast with friends tomorrow, and more desserts after. One thing I would never miss on Christmas is truffles and chocolates. Too bad I couldn’t give out my truffles this year as gifts for everyone, it's  one of my favorite things to do.

Hope that wherever my friends and people I care about are, they would have some form of sweet treats to celebrate this season, whether it's Ferrero Rocher, a double chocolate fudge cake, or a night spending with their loved ones (added in some extra sweetener like a kiss or two, and more ;))

Merry Christmas!

From az.

Christmas in Saigon

I still can’t believe that I’ve been home for almost a month. Time flies when you don’t pay attention.

Most of my friends who I usually hang out with when I’m home are all combating exams either in the US or in Vietnam. Thus, besides working and spending time preparing lessons for my students, I try to keep myself busy helping my sister with her wedding preparation, helping my younger sis with her school work, or just do nothing. It gets quite boring and pointless often.

When I feel like being home alone all the time having nothing to do has turned me into a depressing person, I go out and spend time … alone. It’s Christmas time, and even without the cold weather and the white snow, Saigon still looks like it is ready for the season greetings. I haven’t been home during Christmas for a while. Even though I admit that I love the holiday atmosphere in the US, there is a certain unique feeling about Christmas in my tropical hometown that is still able to make me have butterflies in my stomach.

I love walking from streets to streets, wandering from one district to another, with no one to see and no place to go. I don’t have to rush anywhere, and don’t have to think about how to get things done. Just listening to music, watching people to wherever they go, I feel like it’s much easier to think about what I need to think about.

It feels different without the below-zero weather and the white snow. I miss complaining about the cold, and rushing into Starbucks for a cup of warm latte. I miss going Christmas shopping with friends. I just miss the feeling of Christmas in the US.

Lights in the bedroom

Regardless, it’s Christmas, and it IS my favorite time of the year. My dad has put up Christmas lights everywhere, after my constant whining about how much I love Christmas lights. Christmas music is being played in the house all the time. I just wish I could be with someone to snuggle up, to be kept warm in his arms, watching a movie or something.

Well, it feels like everyone is happy, and excited to end the year, bad or good, and welcome a new year. I’m going to spend it well, celebrate it with my family, my friends, my city, my home. Despite how much I complain about it, there has not been a time when I come home that I did not have good times with friends and family.

Life can never be easy. There are ups and downs, but that’s how it is. There are many things that I get to experience and there are many memories I have made this year. And let’s make next year a memorable one too.

We’re growing up days by days, it feels weird.

My all time favorite Christmas playlist <3

The Saigon that I've always been in love with.There are days that I just sit at street corners or at coffee shops, blankly staring at people and vehicles passing by.  Feel invisible, like no one knows me, and no one cares.And just not think, or worry.

Christmas 2009 - Christmas 2011

6 years of friendship, a few months of more than friendship, and 2 years of broken heart, I can't believe I have the courage to face you again, or to sit close behind you on your motorcycle, lean on your shoulder and feel your warmth.

And feel nothing more than just caring deeply for each other.

Many years have gone by and you're still able to make me laugh, and forget about everything that upsets me. You know my favorite restaurant, my favorite café, and know exactly how to order my dessert and coffee. You know my favorite spot where I like to watch the city lights and enjoy the comfortable silence between us. You know how I like to walk in the rain, and realize when I get cold even if I try to deny it. You just know, a lot, about me and how to make me happy, the simplest type of happiness.

I realize that we still avoid the other places that we used to go - our first date, our first kiss - all the places that filled up with memories. Memories of a time we had together.


I have missed you, and the way I feel when I'm with you.

You: "Why did we break up, again?"
Me: "Sweetie, we never did begin anything."

Yet, the loneliest moment when I have no one by my side, you're here for me.

Thanks for giving me a place to come home to, mi amor. 

Thanks for holding my hand whenever I need someone to hold on to, and to complain about life