On the year that I determined to set aside a slot in my daily schedule to devote to writing, I fail at completing this goal even worse that I did before. The last thing I wrote (besides lab reports and weekly updates for my organizations) was dated on September 07, and I didn't even finish writing it.
It makes me wonder, have I been too occupied with certain things that I forgot how to take a step back and reflect on the way I live my life?
The other day I was rushing toward the lab, when I looked at the sky and saw hundreds of birds flocking across the sunset sky. I came to a sudden stop. Stop, breathe, and think. Last year, I paused at the same sky, in the middle of the exact same road, stared at the (same?)birds for probably the same amount of time and most likely made the same number of people wonder - "What the hell is wrong with this girl?"
The thoughts and feelings of last year rushed back to me and I asked myself, where is that girl who used to know how to slow down her steps, and felt the change of the season?
Where is the girl that used to "walked the usual fifteen steps to Starbucks under the grumbling, pouting grey sky … who stood there five minutes staring at flocks and flocks of birds soaring through the sky, wondering how many of them there were, … who admired the orange leaves twirling around in a fast pace tango dance with the wind and … who could smell the sharp and crispy air and hear the crunchy sound of the leaves crumbling underneath her steps"?
That girl no longer wakes up early on Saturday mornings, enjoy warm lattes while reading newspapers, sketching new designs or writing new blog entries. In fact, she doesn't even have an idea of how she has spent her Saturday mornings lately.
She no longer takes her Friday afternoons off and de-stress by indulging herself in baking cookies, brownies or anything that her friends have a crave for and talking the afternoon (or even the evening) away. In fact, she does not even have the time to bake a birthday cake for her close friends.
She no longer spends Saturday aiming/skyping her best friends from home. Recently, she doesn't even follow their blogs, ask them questions about their lives or return their phone calls.
She no longer awaits for her mom to call every Sunday night to talk about things that happen during the week, or to hear about things that have been going on at home. Indeed, she upsets her parents by ignoring the phone calls and making up excuses to get out of conversations.
She still works hard at things, still stays on top of school work and keeps up with her GPA. She attends more social events and goes out more often. She keeps her groups of friends. She strikes up conversations and makes new friends in seconds. She keeps the smile on her face and a positive attitude. Yet, she knows deep down in her heart that she is just playing roles, socially and emotionally.
Her thoughts would no longer come out in writing and her feelings would no longer show in conversations. It feels like her personality has been squeezed into a tiny fragile bubble that would pop anytime. It feels like her persona has expanded into a huge elastic balloon that serve to bounce off anything she does not want to face.
She is no longer the girl who wanted to 'want to fall, heads and heels, hopelessly, “unconditionally and irrevocably' in love, all over again"? On the other hand, she just enjoys the company, the comfort, the convenience of having guys around to accommodate her needs. She knows how to play the game and she plays it the way that she could not get hurt.
Is she still me? Was it really me, with such affection and emotions, who wrote this (http://ciel-azur.blogspot.com/2009/11/simply-autumn.html ) ?
Writing all these things down, it feels like reality just slapped me in the face. I feel content with my life. I feel less stressful dealing with schools. I feel happier being a social butterfly. I feel good at myself getting attention and special treatments from (multiple) guys. But Jesus Christ, what exactly am I doing with my life?
I don't think I can stand this risk-free, emotion-free, lifestyle anymore.
If things seem too good to be true, it probably is.
[az]
