[Simply autumn]

This is one of the moments that I cannot take anymore of the plasma membrane and its electron transport system, nor can I have anymore tolerance for equilibrium constant and Fe concentration. These are the times when I wish I have a deadline to finish reading Catcher in the Rye or finish that essay on Existentialism in Shakespeare’s works. Recently, I have found myself using writing as an escape path from the confusing and complicated scientific world that sometimes is too much for my faint heart. I miss writing.

One of those days, I walked the usual fifteen steps to Starbucks under the grumbling, pouting grey sky. One of those days, I stood there five minutes staring at flocks and flocks of birds soaring through the sky, wondering how many of them there were. I admired the orange leaves twirling around in a fast pace tango dance with the wind. I could smell the sharp and crispy air and hear the crunchy sound of the leaves crumbling underneath my steps. Only then did it truly hit me that, autumn has come. I have been in denial for the past few weeks, telling myself that the weather has just been feeling “under the weather” for a short period of time and eventually it would get over it. Unfortunately, it did not.

The strange thing about autumn is that it is both emotional and indifferent at the same time; it is ambiguous. Spring and its vitality bring about happiness and hope. Summer and its cheerfulness personality carries with it handfuls of energy. Winter covers the world with melancholy and a feeling that everything is in slow motions. Autumn is just autumn. It is just that same old grey sky, occasionally generous enough to allow several rays of faint golden sunlight. It is neither joyful nor depressing; neither too warm nor too cold. Autumn gives out a feeling of a pacifist, playing the role of a mediator, trying to stop the potentially intense fight between summer and winter, with an extremely calm and straight face. Maybe because of that reason, I feel like autumn, under its emotionless disguise, is full of sweetness, peacefulness and love at heart.

Autumn is filled with sweet. It is the season where the signature extra-sweet Pumpkin Spice Latte in Starbucks makes it reappearance with such a hit. One can find the amazing smell of pumpkin spice everywhere he goes, combined with smells of cinnamon, of caramel, and of cider. From houses (and even in dorms’ hall) the air carries with it the luscious aroma of homemade pumpkin pies, banana breads and apple cinnamon rolls. Hot cocoa, marshmallows, candy bars fly out of Walmart’s shelves and restock themselves in the homely cupboard. On the streets, kids jumping up and down, dressed in costumes, counting the treats in their bucketful of candy. There must be something of characteristic of autumn that makes the human body yearns for the extra carbohydrates they try to stay away from all year.

Autumn is also the season when one solely fragile and honey colored sunlight can make people feel an abundance of warmth, when a freshly washed and dried scarf and jacket can make a person smile for the rest of the day. It is the season when humanity goes on a search for anything that can bring about the tiniest amount of heat.

Most likely for this reason, every year, the moment I realize that it is autumn, I have this buoyant and glowing feeling. The sweetness and the warmth from nature somehow make me feel unsatisfied and my heart aches for more of those pleasant feelings, from humanity. I yearn for emotions and affection.

Is this the reason why people are said to fall in love easier in autumn? It does not make any sense to my rational self, the self that constantly reminds me that: “Just because someone is kind to you doesn't means that it's love. Just because someone holds you doesn't mean that it's love. Just because someone kisses you doesn't mean that it's love. Just because someone says "I love you" doesn't mean that it's love.”

Despite all that logic, I am a person with extra sensitivity when it comes to touch, sound and smell; and autumn has all of these. I may not be able to remember a face, I may forget a name, but a faint smell of mint chocolate, a feeling of a protect hand around mine or a sweet, low voice saying my name would linger in my memory for days. I am intoxicated by these stimuli and even just a trivial amount of them would trigger all my senses, and breaks the controlled grips that I put on my emotions. It makes me wonder all the time, exactly what is it about autumn that makes my senses so much sharper and a hug, a touch, a voice or a smell so much more addicting?

Ah, this is why I said autumn is ambiguous. I cannot take a hold of its nature and it makes my mind fluttering and unclear. Just as I want to cast away all the science homework to create a piece of poetic writing, I want to abandon the realistic and cynical self to adopt the idealist and romantic one. I seriously consider putting aside all the priorities, plans, lists and anything that is predictable to be adventurous and just go with the flow.

This, is one of the moments that makes me want to fall, heads and heels, hopelessly, “unconditionally and irrevocably” in love, all over again.

[az]
[Nov 1 2009]