What I get out of what I had.

The highlights:


1. Sigma Psi Zeta
- Realized that I could really push my limits if I really wanted to
- Pros and cons list didn't work very well --> sometime it doesn't hurt to just do things without really knowing exactly what I get myself into. Taking a risk is a part of learning.
- I do need the company of people, almost all the time now and my sisters are really always there for me through good times and hard times.


2. Yola
- Working with the people who had inspired my study abroad dream was the best experience in my life
- My students were adorable and they reminded me of how I was few years ago. Helping them reminded me of why I am where I am right now.
- Work hard, play hard, never fail.


3. Summer in Vietnam
- People change, you do too, face with it, cuz it's a good thing.
- Nothing feels better than to enjoy life using what I've worked hard for (including spa, manicures, coffee shops, restaurants, beaches, gifts, …) --> should do the same thing in the future
- Nothing is better than home.


4. My lab job and independent study
- Gave me the feeling of being involved in some real research for the first time
- One step closer to my {dream} career


5. My guys
- Talented, smart, hard-working guys that keep me motivated (and proud)
- Nevertheless, they are chilled, relax, know how to have fun, very caring and considerate to girls, loyal to their friends --> being "the guy" of the group and having their company when I need them is the best I could get out of Rochester
- Never judge the book by its cover. These intimidating, gangster looking guys are sweethearts.


6. Shave my head
- New experiences are always worth it cuz you'll never know what you'll get.


The worst:


1. Flings are not very fun in the end
- Well, they would be fun if I can be even more cold-hearted than I am now, but that's not going to happen. Consequence is a bitch.
- Such a waste of my Christmas, and the entire summer
- 1 one super good friend --> that was a major mistake
- I get too carried on and can't get back on track --> need to learn how to work hard before play hard


2. I'm really not a genius, hard work is required
- I completely failed in Organic Chem
- Staying up all nights do not correlate with better results --> need to get back to my normal studying habit
- I don't have to be good at everything, but I can try hard in everything.


3. Social life is not everything, well at least when you're not a PR major
- It was fun, and I needed the company, but not everyone needs mine like I thought
- Try not to overestimate the importance of my existence towards some people, many of them don't give a damn
- Don't give a damn about others' business unless it's absolute necessary (like to my really good friends)
- Do not get too carried away with having fun and being comfortable and relaxed.


4. Family
- Partially the reason for all of these above to be able to happen was because I did not have enough communication with my parents this year --> parents always give good advice and keep us on track, LISTEN or not, at least TELL




Things that I've been doing and should keep doing


- Be determined that I can do things. Don't give up just because it seems like I can't do it.
- Be social. I can be a nerd and a social butterfly at the same time, no worries.
- Be creative. Art is a good way to relieve stress.
- Be healthy. Vegetarian diet was a good decision. Keep it up.
- Be positive. It's ok if I fail at something, but remember to learn from it, don't just laugh it off and forget about it.
- Post its of what to do on walls; add in post its of things that I've done.


Things that I've been doing and should STOP


- Being everywhere and doing everything at the same time; I'm not a super human, can't handle every club positions and keep a 4.0 GPA at the same time.
- Taking on too much work and overestimate my ability - doesn't prove that I'm smart, but on the other hand, kind of stupid - take things slowly, focus on one thing a time and do an amazing job at it.
- Flings - 3 or 4 guys at the same time takes time and effort (and money), try to cut some back, bad for my health mentally and physically
- Quit going to the gym cuz I'm afraid that my thighs will look big -; ugh, as much as I hate my thighs looking big, I didn't get sick as often and my abs is better looking with muscle than flat but with no muscle.
- Quit breaking down into panic attacks before exams - get the confidence together and get over it.


New Year Resolutions:


1. Keep my GPA above 3.8
2. Summer Internship
3. Study abroad
4. Go to the gym at least twice a week
5. A steady work + school + sleep schedule
6. Call home at least once a week
7. Be an active member of both Sigma and CSA
8. Keep a journal
9. No drinking 3 weeks in a row
10. 1 new and bizarre but meaningful experience.

Things I love Thursday

Inspired by Gala Darling, my favorite blogger and fashionista.

It's winter. The temperature hits single digits. For us college students, it means the sufferings of painful and sleepless final weeks (and the tragedy of checking your GPA afterward). It's the time when everyone need the extra carbohydrate in those colorful sugar cookies and caramel fudge, and the extra warmth of a knitted scarf or the fire place as mood elevators.

There are plenty of positive things out there. The holiday is around the corner, I mean, literally, since it's 11:14pm of Dec 23rd when I'm writing this. The weather is fur-reezing. But it's gorgeous outside, I'm telling you. My favorite thing to do (or favorite idea in my mind) is to strut (yes, I said "strut") down the street in my fur boots and my best outfit, to enjoy the Christmas lights and decorations, the shop windows, smell the warmth of hot chocolate and cinnamon rolls, and watch the looks on people faces. Random fact: did you know that in France, window-shopping is called “léche-vitrines”, literally, “window-licking”?

Winter is the best time to eat Phở, or Korean food (though I agree I'm would be up for it anytime of the year). It makes it seem somewhat acceptable to wear pj shorts with leg warmers all the time (it's just me, I know). It means that if you just want to stay in bed and read a novel, you’re not an antisocial freak out of a sudden, not at al.

The cold presents us all with the perfect opportunity to get a little closer than usual to whoever we’ve had a flirtatious eye on, too, and a little snuggling time doesn't hurt anyone ;)

So, little things that made me smile:

♥ Fresh baked cookies and cupcakes, coming straight up from the oven ♥ The yellow shade of twinkling Christmas light every time I come back to my room ♥ Moonlight shadow room refreshener and the bed that is right next to the heater ♥ Old pictures on the wall ♥ My sister and my mom, who tell me random things the moment she picks up the phone ♥ Friends, who texted me and asked if I was ok cuz of the cold weather ♥ A selection of lovely shower product and the smell of your body when you just came out of the shower ;) ♥ Buying gifts for people and find out that they absolutely adore them ♥ Smell of new shoes, and take the tag of a new scarf ♥ Damien Rice ♥ Cold Guinness beer + a PSP with FF Crisis Core ♥ Amazing soup for dinner ♥ Waking up at noon ♥ Food Network magazine with the special Christmas baking section ♥ VOGUE ♥ Open the door to a surprise visit ♥ Brunch in bed, delivered (or just the idea of them) - pretty decadent and fabulous ♥ Feeling like my face & fingers had been BURNED by the cold this morning & just deciding not to leave the room again today! ♥ Turn in your last final ♥ Stockings & heels & toast & coffee, no? ♥ Newly done nails ♥ Kate Spade's Things We Love book ♥ Flurries and snow that glitters ♥ Wearing your favorite scarf ♥ Wearing someone's else giant sweatshirt ;) ♥ Sniff at the perfume smell on yourself (or somebody else does) ♥ Clothes from the dryer ♥ Cuddling and snuggling ♥ Adorable messages on Facebook from your best friends ♥ Cute and flirty text messages ♥ Watch Elf ♥ See presents under a Christmas tree ♥ Drive through dark, snowy road to reach amazing houses with crazy decoration that lit up the entire area ♥ Sex and The City re-watch (for the 10 millionth time) ♥ Drawing, painting, making Christmas cards ♥ Random chat convos ♥ Random creative blogs ♥ Amazing artwork ♥ Chanel Wish facebook application ♥ Christian Louboutin's signature red sole ♥ An amazing long hot bath ♥

Hmmmm, seems like I can keep that smile up on my face all winter huh? Other than that, just relaxing my mind, keep it positive and keep it real.

Stay warm and stay cozy. Make the most out of sunshine for those who get it.

Love,

Az

To all the Sex and The City fans - Men and socks

First reason, this one is solely for you, Bambie, as you requested. Second reason, the weather is definitely getting cold and it's high time to pull out the secret stack of socks that has been packed away all summer.

Then it just reminded me of that episode of "Sex and the City" where Carrie runs low on ideas for new articles. She ends up writing an article about french fries and contemplates comparing men to socks in her next piece. In the voice of Carrie, "I couldn't help but wonder, are men like socks?" Its a question that Carrie never answered for us. Lame idea for an article? Maybe so. But truth is, every woman has her own variety of socks in her love-life drawer. 

Socks certainly do come in a variety of styles and these styles could be compared to the different men out in the dating pool.There are the classic socks. The white, athletic socks of the world. The ones you have a ton of in your drawer and you always take advantage of the fact there are so many of them. They're disposable. They're the ones you don't really care if you lose ("I can get another pair, or three, or a dozen, at Target for real cheap!"). However, you rue the day when you want to go out for a run and you can't find a matching pair. 

There are the playful socks. The ones with monkeys on them or the pompoms on the back. The ones that say "hottie" or have kittens looking oh-so-cute. They are the fun socks. The ones that make you laugh even if they are entirely impractical. You're probably a bit ashamed to show your friends that you're wearing these socks. 

Lastly, you have those socks that are just right for you. And I think this is different for every woman out there. Maybe its a nice pair of dress socks that really pull your outfit together. Maybe its those warm, footie socks that make you feel safe or maybe its a pair of the toe-socks that remind you of your childhood. Hell, maybe its those darn monkey socks. For me, its all about the leg warmers. They are not socks, yet they are kind of. They belong to their own category, like one of a kind. They definitely stand out more, make more of a fashion statement, and definitely are warmer.   

Of course, we all know the real reason men are like socks. You go to clean them up a bit and when you're done, they disappear!

[az]

When you wish upon a ... wish list :)

It seems like there has been a gap in my seasonal epiphany this year. Usually, around the end of October, beginning of November, it hits me like "BAM!" in the face that autumn is here. Then sometime around Turkey - time and crazy - Friday - when - Thanh's - credit card - cries, it hits me "BAM!" again that winter is right in front of me.

Thanks to Rochester bipolar weather, I have tricked my mind into believing that there is no such thing as winter, until yesterday, when I looked out the window and actually saw that fluffy cold stuff called snow on the ground. The first thought that run through my mind was "Damn, I don't have a Christmas shopping list and a Christmas music list yet."  I should have known earlier that I should not wait until after stuffing myself with Thanksgiving goodies to realize that those crazy individuals who started playing Christmas music before Nov 15ths, those whom I cursed at for ruining my autumn mood, are actually faster in the process of accepting the truth than I am.

Well, I blamed it on Orgo, and Genetics, and ten million other things that occupy my mind and make me forget my super Christmas spirit.

I know Christmas is not supposed to be about the presents, but I love opening Christmas presents and getl all excited about them. I love going shopping and spending crazy money on gifts. Then I get to customize them, wrap them and attach cute notes and cards with them. It is a tradition that makes people happy, I don’t mind being conventional in this one occasion!

 It has been said that “Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars” so I told myself “Shoot for a 10 item wish list, even if people fail, you’ll still get one.” 

Here it comes - the annual wish list, version 2010:

1. To be home for Christmas Eve --> I actually could have made this happen, but the thought of paying for that round trip plane ticket is just too painful.
2. Spend a week in NYC --> to visit my dear Melody, Miki, Zala and enjoy shopping in the city
3. Christian Louboutin or Manolo Blahnik pumps/boots --> I have a never ending greed for shoes =.= However, if I can fulfill my 2nd wish, I'll get this one thanks to Melody :)
4. New camera --> I'm most likely getting this for myself: a Violet Sony Cypershot T99 14.1 mpx . This will add to my collection of purple goodies: calculator, cell phone, Ipod. After this, it will be a purple laptop and a purple PSP ;)
5. Baking supplies --> can never get enough of these ;)
6. Great great great great books/novels --> I have been slacking on my reading lately, which would explain why my writing is getting worse and worse. I wish I could have to just sit down, have some coffee and read through a really good 800 page novel or something like that.
7. Something warm and cozy, and fluffy --> Knitted scarf? Gloves? Hats? Slippers? Stuffed animals? Comforter? Blanket? Idk, anything, I love warm and cozy stuff.
8. Going out for dinner --> Christmas always put me in a mood to dress up and go out for a fancy dinner, doesn’t matter who I'm with, it'll be fun.
9. Sex and the City related stuff --> I most likely will get the DVD for the 2nd movies myself, but posters for SATC is soooo hard to find :(
10. Cards, letters, notes, packages from friends all over the world --> this is the part that I'm looking forward to the most, to receive something tangible from all the friends that I have from everywhere <3

Wow, it took me soooo long to finish this list. I actually had so much trouble thinking what I really want for Christmas. I wonder whether it is a good thing that I don't have anything I desire so badly. Maybe because I have been shopping way too much I don't need anything anymore, that'd be bad =.=

It really doesn't matter anyway. The thing I enjoy most about Christmas is the time before it, when all the lights are put up along the streets, when people get all excited about buying gifts and decorate their houses or when Christmas music is played everywhere or when I can see the happy expressions on people faces when they open presents.

 It is the time when even though the weather is cold and gloomy, you appreciate it because you know that there is always something, or someone waiting to make you feel warm and happy. 

The show.

On the year that I determined to set aside a slot in my daily schedule to devote to writing, I fail at completing this goal even worse that I did before. The last thing I wrote (besides lab reports and weekly updates for my organizations) was dated on September 07, and I didn't even finish writing it.

It makes me wonder, have I been too occupied with certain things that I forgot how to take a step back and reflect on the way I live my life?

The other day I was rushing toward the lab, when I looked at the sky and saw hundreds of birds flocking across the sunset sky. I came to a sudden stop. Stop, breathe, and think. Last year, I paused at the same sky, in the middle of the exact same road, stared at the (same?)birds for probably the same amount of time and most likely made the same  number of people wonder - "What the hell is wrong with this girl?"

The thoughts and feelings of last year rushed back to me and I asked myself, where is that girl who used to know how to slow down her steps, and felt the change of the season?

Where is the girl that used to "walked the usual fifteen steps to Starbucks under the grumbling, pouting grey sky … who stood there five minutes staring at flocks and flocks of birds soaring through the sky, wondering how many of them there were, … who admired the orange leaves twirling around in a fast pace tango dance with the wind and … who could smell the sharp and crispy air and hear the crunchy sound of the leaves crumbling underneath her steps"?

That girl no longer wakes up early on Saturday mornings, enjoy warm lattes while reading newspapers, sketching new designs or writing new blog entries. In fact, she doesn't even have an idea of how she has spent her Saturday mornings lately.

She no longer takes her Friday afternoons off and de-stress by indulging herself in baking cookies, brownies or anything that her friends have a crave for and talking the afternoon (or even the evening) away. In fact, she does not even have the time to bake a birthday cake for her close friends.

She no longer spends Saturday  aiming/skyping her best friends from home. Recently, she doesn't even follow their blogs, ask them questions about their lives or return their phone calls.

She no longer awaits for her mom to call every Sunday night to talk about things that happen during the week, or to hear about things that have been going on at home. Indeed, she upsets her parents by ignoring the phone calls and making up excuses to get out of conversations.

She still works hard at things, still stays on top of school work and keeps up with her GPA.  She attends more social events and goes out more often. She keeps her groups of friends. She strikes up conversations and makes new friends in seconds. She keeps the smile on her face and a positive attitude. Yet, she knows deep down in her heart that she is just playing roles, socially and emotionally.

Her thoughts would no longer come out in writing and her feelings would no longer show in conversations. It feels like her personality has been squeezed into a tiny fragile bubble that would pop anytime. It feels like her persona has expanded into a huge elastic balloon that serve to bounce off anything she does not want to face.

She is no longer the girl who wanted to  'want to fall, heads and heels, hopelessly, “unconditionally and irrevocably' in love, all over again"? On the other hand, she just enjoys the company, the comfort, the convenience of having guys around to accommodate her needs. She knows how to play the game and she plays it the way that she could not get hurt.

Is she still me? Was it really me, with such affection and emotions,  who wrote this (http://ciel-azur.blogspot.com/2009/11/simply-autumn.html ) ?

Writing all these things down, it feels like reality just slapped me in the face. I feel content with my life. I feel less stressful dealing with schools. I feel happier being a social butterfly. I feel good at myself getting attention and special treatments from (multiple) guys. But Jesus Christ,  what exactly am I doing with my life?

I don't think I can stand this risk-free, emotion-free, lifestyle anymore.

If things seem too good to be true, it probably is.

 [az]

Quote.

It's a nice feeling. It makes you want to open up your heart, despite how much efforts you try to enclose it to protect it.

[az]