All these crazy rules

So I’m trying pretty hard to be perfect. Perhaps perfect is too strong; mindful, considerate, eager to please, call it what you will.

Don’t text too much because it comes across as desperate. Never send two texts in a row for the same reason. No facebook chat every time he logs on, ‘cause that’s desperate too, as is ‘Liking’ everything he posts, so don’t do that either. Remember not to ask when we’re seeing each other next because nonchalance is key, right? Don'tsound too eager when he suggests doing something in the future. Remember, nonchalance. When you’re out with other people, don’t demand his attention, he’s not there just for you. And don’t make an issue of him making friends with new girls, that’s asking for trouble, you don’t want to look jealous and insecure. When he wants to go to sleep before you do, don’t latch onto him because you’ll seem weak, needy, intense

All these crazy rules I’ve made up in my head so you don’t see past this facade. I’m not nonchalant, I over-think everything. I can be intense, and I’m definitely jealous at times. But in essence, at the crux of all this overanalysis. i just wish you knew there is something more than nonchalance.

[az]

Chick porn.

“I do know that if I don’t ask you to be mine, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life”

[Runaway Bride]

“I love that you get cold when it's seventy degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend a day with you I can still smell your perfume on my clothes, and I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.”

[When Harry Met Sally]

“I think I’d miss you even if we’d never met.” [The Wedding Date]

“You had me at hello.” [Jerry Maguire]

These are all lines from a genre of film I affectionately refer to as… Chick Porn. Why chick porn? Well when put into context of how we, as women, view “regular porn” as unrealistic portrayals of a man’s idealistic view of a woman, it’s exactly the same. Chick Porn is a woman’s unrealistic view of an idealized man. We watch these movies (I'm thinking about re-watching "How to lose a guy in 10 days" tonight) and develop these subconscious expectations of our boyfriends, husbands, or future spouses. When life is less glamorous than Breakfast at Tiffany’s, we blame the guy, when really we bring this upon ourselves. I’m not implying we should all swear off romantic comedies and dramas (obviously, I watch them too, as much a sarcastic and cynical person I am), but I do think that we should be aware of how they affect us. I know for some friends, this means that they literally cannot watch movies that make them lust after a fictional scenario and for others it means bringing the knowledge of reality to the forefront of their minds and not holding anyone accountable to ridiculous expectations.

Life is not a movie, much to my dismay. You don’t always meet your soul-mate dancing in the rain or on the observation deck of the Empire State Building, but who wants to be in love with a story? The real thing is better.

Am I?

Late night conversations trigger thoughts that were buried in heart and mind. 

Am I still in your heart?
You came. And became special in my heart.
You left. And said nothing.


Now I’m telling you I miss you.
That I want to see you again.
And you skip.


Time can ease the hurt.
And time can fade everything.
And you’re now faded in my heart.


Then one day, it crossed my mind,
That I’m missing you.
And I suddenly want to run to you.
And I suddenly want to talk to you.


Then I stopped.
I wondered if I’m still in your heart.
Then I wondered if I’ve ever been in your heart.


If you just come back. And give me the answer.
I’ll just go straight to you.
And give you my care.
I’ll just stay by your side.
And give you my free hugs.


[So answer me,
Am I still in your heart?]

This one goes out to all the best friends

It's a different type of love, and maybe we all need a break from the achy, dramatic love that comes with romance, the kind that excludes the rest of the world, the kind that's limited only to you and him / her.

So this one goes out to all the best friends in the world. The ones that smile for you when you excitedly fall in love with some new, unknown boy. The ones that sit through a bottle of tequila with you at two to five in the morning listening to you cry about said boy who cheated on you, even though they've got to be up at six for work. The ones that take time off work / school just for a little naughty afternoon shopping and eating on weekday. The ones who drag you to social events just to distract you from a broken heart. The ones who respond to every Facebook status update, just so you don't feel so alone and ignored. The ones who recognize you have a right to feel as shitty as you do about the boy who hurt you even though they'd spent the last two years telling you he was nothing but trash, the ones who don't tell you that you're a fool, that you have a right to hurt. Because they're also the ones who have the strength and the love enough to tell you to snap out of it, that he was never worth it. Because they're also the ones who have the courage to be honest enough to tell you that you'd be a fool to take the manipulative creep back. They are the ones who bombard his messenger account with warnings to leave you alone, the ones who tell him behind your back to leave you well and alone, to stop messing with your mind when he's already with someone else. And they are the ones who introduce you to new and wonderfully normal and loving boys.

This one also goes out to all the best other-gender best friends in the world. The ones that pick you up late at night for supper, just to take you out of your head. The ones that show you not all the men in the world are screw-ups and traitors.  The ones that help you believe that good people still exist in the world. The ones you can laugh with without wanting to kiss. The ones who can give you that insight into that boy's soul you've been dying to know. The ones who swear they'll beat up or get the triads to beat up the poor sod who had the poor judgment to cheat on someone as wonderful and incredible as you. This one goes out to all the incredible best other-gender best friends in the world who stuck around even when you abandoned them because your possessive ex-boyfriend went loco every time you even spoke to them. The ones that love you exactly the way you are. The ones that don't mind you snuggling against them just for a warm body without asking for anything more. The ones that come all the way down to the club from home just to drive you home. The ones that cry with you when you sit in your darkness wondering what you've done to deserve such betrayal from the one boy you'd give anything for. The ones that hurt with you when you're drowning in your darkness. The ones that hurt because they see your pain and can't do anything to touch you, or to help you.

Friends fight sometimes. We disagree. We laugh at each other. But friends are something else altogether. Friends are God's way of saying: here, I know it's tough trying to find your soulmate, but here are some other people you know for sure you can count on forever. They're like family, but better because they love you without the moral obligation attached.

I see you, my lovable friends. This is my apology, for what I have ever done to our friendships, and this is my way of reminding the world that there is more love in the world than what exists between a guy and a girl.

az.

4:34am 2/14/11

[Cuz I can't sleep and have the urge to write]

Happy Birthday to my beloved 21-year-old bitch.

Happy 21st birthday, you biatch :)

Ôi tình yêu của tao,  tao thông cảm cho mày đã phải "học anh văn hoài chán lắm", tao không nỡ tra tấn mày nữa nên tao quyết định viết tiếng Việt.

Tao thề là lâu lắm rồi tao không viết lách gì bằng tiếng mẹ đẻ, văn chương của tao dạo này nó khô khan và thẳng thừng lắm (giống con người tao dạo này) cho nên mày phả giả bộ phớt lờ, không được phê văn chương không lưu loát, ngôn từ khó hiểu, vân vân và vân vân, okay?

21 tuổi, cứ nghĩ là sau khi leo được lên cái nấc 18, cái ngưỡng cửa của sự trưởng thành thì con người ta sẽ thôi không xem sinh nhật như là một bước ngoặt của cuộc đời nữa (mặc dù tao thề là ngày hôm trước 17, hôm sau 18, tao vẫn bước ra đường tung tăng nhí nhảnh như 17 năm trước ). Vậy mà tao thấy sao 19, 20, 21 rồi mà mình vẫn cảm thấy như là chưa vượt qua được cái ngưỡng cửa  mà đáng lẽ ra mình phải bỏ lại sau lưng từ lâu rồi. Sinh nhật năm nào cũng mang theo cái cảm giác nhất-quyết-năm-nay-mình-sẽ-là-người-lớn để rồi năm sau nhận ra là hình như mình vẫn vậy. Ngày ngày vẫn đeo túi xách tới trường mà ba mẹ đóng tiền học phí, vẫn về nhà ăn cơm mẹ nấu, vẫn ngửa tay xin ba tiền mua sách (sẵn tiện xin luôn tiền cà phê), vẫn vi vu facebook và tám chuyện với bạn bè bốn phương mà quên rằng ngày mai phải thi học kỳ. Năm nào tao cũng nghĩ là khi nào mới bỏ được cái sự dựa dẫm mà tự bản thân mình đứng dậy bương chải. Nói vậy thôi chứ khi nghĩ tới phải tự mình ra đối mặt với đời thì sợ chết cha và lại quay về nhà với ba má thôi.  Chẳng những dựa dẫm kinh tế, mà sau khi 18 tao nhận ra là tao còn thêm cái sự dựa dẫm tinh thần. Bạn bè đương nhiên không thể thiếu, nếu thiếu thì ai chở tao đi cà phê và ăn phá lấu, ai chở tao đi CBC mua áo sơ mi giá rẻ, ai chửi rủa thẳng thừng khi tao làm chuyện gì trái với lương tâm tao đạo đứa, ai hát nhạc Trịnh cho tao nghe nửa đêm không ngủ, ai rú ré với tao mỗi khi có hot boys mình trần 6 múi xuất hiện :) Không biết mày sao chứ tạo này tao còn thêm cái sự dựa dẫm tình cảm, trong từ điển của tao không biết đến chuyện ngoại tình cơ bản vì tao không có biết đến từ "relationship" ngay từ đầu. Những thằng con trai đó tao giữ bên cạnh để khi tao cần đến thì có sẵn. Tao biết mày nói với tao rằng cái "sự lợi dụng tình cảm" này cuối cùng thì chỉ có tao là người thiệt thòi thôi, nhưng biết sao được, nó ăn sâu trong máu tao rồi và tao cho phép bản thân mình điều đó cũng chỉ vì tao "đã 20 rồi".

Tao thấy những điều mày "chỉ mong" đều trong tầm tay của mày (ngoại trừ việc bán bài "chỉ có Pavarotti hát được" $1000 thì tao nghi mày còn mong dài dài XD).Tao chỉ mong mày 21 tuổi không như tao, mang tiếng là sinh viên du học tự lập nhưng thiệt ra là được cưng chiều hơn chục đứa ở nhà. Ráng cố gắng học môn anh văn, học bài thi học kỳ để khỏi làm ba mẹ thức trắng đêm mỗi lần tao gọi về nhà than thở điểm thấp. Ráng đi đàn cà tài tử để khỏi phải xin ba má tiền cà phê như tao.  21 tuổi tao chỉ mong mày có đủ ý chí và nghị lực để bương chải cái "đời này mà tin được ai", để khi tao kể chuyện cho mày nghe thì mày có thể nói cho tao nghe được đứa nào tao tin được đứa nào không để tao đạp nó ra đường. 21 tuối tao chỉ mong mày vẫn dựa dẫm bạn bè để tao có cớ dựa dẫm lại. Tao cũng mong mày đừng như tao mà đi lợi dụng tình cảm, không như tao mà cho phép bản thân làm cái việc trái với lương tâm (của người khác chứ không phải của tao) chỉ để bù đắp tình cảm thiếu thốn. Tao nói, mày phải ráng kiếm bến đỗ để tao về dòm ngó mặt cái. Ráng năm sau làm sao chứ đừng có thứ 6, thứ 7 vi vu lẩu và cà phê với tao và con Gà. Tao lâu ngày chai rồi mày đừng có thành như tao. 21 tuổi tao chỉ mong mày vào "quán bar lắc tới 2h sáng với lon Orangina" chứ đừng như tao vào club tới 5h sáng với 2 chai vodka và 5-6 ly cocktails. Để tao còn có người phàn năn cho cái thú ăn chơi sa đọa mà tao giảm bớt lại. 21 tuổi tao mong mày vẫn vào CBC mua sơ mi giá rẻ và đi ăn phá lấu lề đường. 21 tuổi tao mong mày vẫn là thằng Lê Đức Hùng của năm 18 tuổi, chỉ có bù đắp thêm nhưng chỗ khuyết để cứng cáp hơn.

21 tuổi, già hơn tao rồi nha ku :)

Ồ, tao cũng mong là hè năm nay khi tao 21 tuổi thì tao và mày sẽ phải có 1 tấm hình mới chụp chung bởi vì có một thằng 20 tuổi nào đó xóa mất hình chụp hồi đi ăn lẩu vì lý do nào đó. Tao thù mày nha con.

Anyway, sáng sớm ngủ dậy đọc cái này xong ra mở cửa, tao ngồi đợi mày trước cửa nhà nên mới ngồi viết cái này nè.

Giỡn thôi chứ tao xin hoài mà ba má không cho hai ngàn đô về ăn sinh nhật mày, biết sao giờ.

Sinh nhật vui vẻ, bitch. Love you :)

From az

4.1.2010

What I get out of what I had.

The highlights:


1. Sigma Psi Zeta
- Realized that I could really push my limits if I really wanted to
- Pros and cons list didn't work very well --> sometime it doesn't hurt to just do things without really knowing exactly what I get myself into. Taking a risk is a part of learning.
- I do need the company of people, almost all the time now and my sisters are really always there for me through good times and hard times.


2. Yola
- Working with the people who had inspired my study abroad dream was the best experience in my life
- My students were adorable and they reminded me of how I was few years ago. Helping them reminded me of why I am where I am right now.
- Work hard, play hard, never fail.


3. Summer in Vietnam
- People change, you do too, face with it, cuz it's a good thing.
- Nothing feels better than to enjoy life using what I've worked hard for (including spa, manicures, coffee shops, restaurants, beaches, gifts, …) --> should do the same thing in the future
- Nothing is better than home.


4. My lab job and independent study
- Gave me the feeling of being involved in some real research for the first time
- One step closer to my {dream} career


5. My guys
- Talented, smart, hard-working guys that keep me motivated (and proud)
- Nevertheless, they are chilled, relax, know how to have fun, very caring and considerate to girls, loyal to their friends --> being "the guy" of the group and having their company when I need them is the best I could get out of Rochester
- Never judge the book by its cover. These intimidating, gangster looking guys are sweethearts.


6. Shave my head
- New experiences are always worth it cuz you'll never know what you'll get.


The worst:


1. Flings are not very fun in the end
- Well, they would be fun if I can be even more cold-hearted than I am now, but that's not going to happen. Consequence is a bitch.
- Such a waste of my Christmas, and the entire summer
- 1 one super good friend --> that was a major mistake
- I get too carried on and can't get back on track --> need to learn how to work hard before play hard


2. I'm really not a genius, hard work is required
- I completely failed in Organic Chem
- Staying up all nights do not correlate with better results --> need to get back to my normal studying habit
- I don't have to be good at everything, but I can try hard in everything.


3. Social life is not everything, well at least when you're not a PR major
- It was fun, and I needed the company, but not everyone needs mine like I thought
- Try not to overestimate the importance of my existence towards some people, many of them don't give a damn
- Don't give a damn about others' business unless it's absolute necessary (like to my really good friends)
- Do not get too carried away with having fun and being comfortable and relaxed.


4. Family
- Partially the reason for all of these above to be able to happen was because I did not have enough communication with my parents this year --> parents always give good advice and keep us on track, LISTEN or not, at least TELL




Things that I've been doing and should keep doing


- Be determined that I can do things. Don't give up just because it seems like I can't do it.
- Be social. I can be a nerd and a social butterfly at the same time, no worries.
- Be creative. Art is a good way to relieve stress.
- Be healthy. Vegetarian diet was a good decision. Keep it up.
- Be positive. It's ok if I fail at something, but remember to learn from it, don't just laugh it off and forget about it.
- Post its of what to do on walls; add in post its of things that I've done.


Things that I've been doing and should STOP


- Being everywhere and doing everything at the same time; I'm not a super human, can't handle every club positions and keep a 4.0 GPA at the same time.
- Taking on too much work and overestimate my ability - doesn't prove that I'm smart, but on the other hand, kind of stupid - take things slowly, focus on one thing a time and do an amazing job at it.
- Flings - 3 or 4 guys at the same time takes time and effort (and money), try to cut some back, bad for my health mentally and physically
- Quit going to the gym cuz I'm afraid that my thighs will look big -; ugh, as much as I hate my thighs looking big, I didn't get sick as often and my abs is better looking with muscle than flat but with no muscle.
- Quit breaking down into panic attacks before exams - get the confidence together and get over it.


New Year Resolutions:


1. Keep my GPA above 3.8
2. Summer Internship
3. Study abroad
4. Go to the gym at least twice a week
5. A steady work + school + sleep schedule
6. Call home at least once a week
7. Be an active member of both Sigma and CSA
8. Keep a journal
9. No drinking 3 weeks in a row
10. 1 new and bizarre but meaningful experience.