"I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing; kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles."- Audrey Hepburn

Apr 17, 2011

Open-ended boy

[On the night when memories rushed back]

I sometimes feel like I'm such a walking cliché. Being a commitment phobic doesn't make me seem edgy, more different or more complex. It's a fact, one that I have had doubts about. However, I've just been called out on by my best friend tonight. He told me that he's getting concerned about how I seem to be falling into an easy habit of making out with everything that moves when I'm a bit stressed and need some place to re-channel that negative emotion . As a girl who just reaches her 20 and in college, that's probably normal. But after hearing he said that, I have realized that it has become a lifestyle, one that is kind of hard to break.

I believe in amazing love songs, cry at the sappiest ending in films, write about relationships as a creative outlet. I sometimes want to be a writer when I'm older. These are signs that point to the road of 'romance'. So why then, do I not let myself believe and fall all the way in?

I have fallen before, let my guard down, with a slightly emotionally unavailable guy I met at school. I have fallen before, for someone who was bad for me. And I have tried to fall for someone who was nice, who was constant, but I ended up running anyway. I have recently fallen again, for a guy who lives halfway across the world, one who I may not see again for a few years.

We've known each other since we were in 10th grade, and we keep re connecting different parts of 'us' (if I can even call it that), whenever we can. Our conversation flows. As time goes on and we try less and less, it becomes a shock to finally meet again, and to learn how much we have both changed, both physically and emotionally, and how comforting it is to realize that we're the same kids we've always been.

So from then we begin a two day commitment. Dinner,  lunch, movie, phone calls, texts, etc. We kissed for the first time, and he kisses just like I hoped and wanted him to, and somewhere along the line, the commitment phobic began to give pieces of herself she never really did.

Then everything just fell apart again. My commitment phobic came back, and I turned away. Or it was his this time? I wonder. We both turned away from each other. I had a harder time getting over this than I thought I would be. It brought the cynical side of me out, and I became even less emotional, less attached, and more reckless that I have ever been. I've become the "guy" lady who flirt and make out with "everything that moves" and that can strike up a decent conversation or put up some good dance moves.

Then he came into my life suddenly with a wake up call,

I don't like commitment, I get scared of giving someone parts of me that they could break. I don't like admitting to feelings, even though I have a lot of them. So while I'm smiling at the fact that this could be left open ended, I am telling myself that there's no way we'll maintain this skype-facebook flirtation for long. I am an optimist for life but a terrible cynic for love.

I know that he'll be at the back of my mind for a while, so while I do my 'single girl' thing, maybe there'll be a fraction of me that would feel like I'm cheating on someone who is halfway across the world.

I might just allow myself to fall someday, if not with him, then someone else. But him, my 'open ended boy', has taught me, in the span of two days, that maybe falling (if not cautiously) may not be such a terrible thing to endure.

It's almost a year, boy.


Apr 16, 2011

All these crazy rules

So I’m trying pretty hard to be perfect. Perhaps perfect is too strong; mindful, considerate, eager to please, call it what you will.

Don’t text too much because it comes across as desperate. Never send two texts in a row for the same reason. No facebook chat every time he logs on, ‘cause that’s desperate too, as is ‘Liking’ everything he posts, so don’t do that either. Remember not to ask when we’re seeing each other next because nonchalance is key, right? Don'tsound too eager when he suggests doing something in the future. Remember, nonchalance. When you’re out with other people, don’t demand his attention, he’s not there just for you. And don’t make an issue of him making friends with new girls, that’s asking for trouble, you don’t want to look jealous and insecure. When he wants to go to sleep before you do, don’t latch onto him because you’ll seem weak, needy, intense

All these crazy rules I’ve made up in my head so you don’t see past this facade. I’m not nonchalant, I over-think everything. I can be intense, and I’m definitely jealous at times. But in essence, at the crux of all this overanalysis. i just wish you knew there is something more than nonchalance.


Apr 8, 2011

Chick porn.

I do know that if I don’t ask you to be mine, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life
[Runaway Bride]

I love that you get cold when it's seventy degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend a day with you I can still smell your perfume on my clothes, and I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.
[When Harry Met Sally]

I think I’d miss you even if we’d never met.” [The Wedding Date]

You had me at hello.” [Jerry Maguire]

These are all lines from a genre of film I affectionately refer to as… Chick Porn. Why chick porn? Well when put into context of how we, as women, view “regular porn” as unrealistic portrayals of a man’s idealistic view of a woman, it’s exactly the same. Chick Porn is a woman’s unrealistic view of an idealized man. We watch these movies (I'm thinking about re-watching "How to lose a guy in 10 days" tonight) and develop these subconscious expectations of our boyfriends, husbands, or future spouses. When life is less glamorous than Breakfast at Tiffany’s, we blame the guy, when really we bring this upon ourselves. I’m not implying we should all swear off romantic comedies and dramas (obviously, I watch them too, as much a sarcastic and cynical person I am), but I do think that we should be aware of how they affect us. I know for some friends, this means that they literally cannot watch movies that make them lust after a fictional scenario and for others it means bringing the knowledge of reality to the forefront of their minds and not holding anyone accountable to ridiculous expectations.

Life is not a movie, much to my dismay. You don’t always meet your soul-mate dancing in the rain or on the observation deck of the Empire State Building, but who wants to be in love with a story? The real thing is better.