Daily Note.

I must admit that I have pretty bad temper. And because I have a pretty straightforward personality, my temper doesn't help me with my attempt to try to be nice to people.

Recently, I have been in constant bad mood. I could blame it on stress (here it goes again: taking Orgo is exhausting), but to be honest, I am nowhere as stressed as I am during the school year. Something definitely bothers me though. Usually I am a pretty social person, and I enjoy the company of people. There are even times when I get scared of being alone and have to actively search for people to be with. Yet recently, being around people annoys me. When my friends get too excited or start making too much noise, I get irritated. I feel terrible, because I shouldn't be taking out my bad mood on other people, especially those who do nothing wrong to me. It gets to the point where I just try to hide in my room most of the time, like literally, go into my room, lock the door, and pretend that I am not home so that people won't bother me. Or it gets to the point that I repeatedly ask him if I could stay over just because I don't want to go home and deal with all the people.

It's pretty terrible isn't it? I try to listen to happy music, exercise when I can and focus on working on my wall project when I am in my antisocial mood. But it has been more than two weeks and it doesn't seem to get any better. Maybe I just need a change in people I hang out with. I have always been a social butterfly but the good thing about that is I can switch up the people I am with all the time. During the summer, there's not much choice though.

On a more positive note, I got to talk to So Youn this Saturday and that made me happy. She has always been my support all the time and I get strangely attached to her. If she was a guy, I wouldn't be surprised to see myself with her *laugh* I miss random conversations, midnight meals, all-nighters and sleep overs at each other's places. I have been so spoiled recently that I like the feeling of having someone to sleep with me. Not a good habit, I must say.

I guess one good thing about me is that very little things can make me happy, even when I am in constant bad mood. Such as certain text messages, or chat conversations. They may not matter to the people who said all that stuff, but to me, those were definitely pick-me-up moments. So when I get really exhausted from studying and get irritated at people, I can just think about those moments and smile.

My wall is getting filled up and it is looking just how I want it to be.
And my mom is in the US, visiting.

Summer is going to end soon. I am half looking forward to the school year, half wanting to go back to the beginning of May and relive the summer. Although, on second thought, I would not want to go through another period of Orgo. I am trying my best, but it is killing my brain cells definitely.

Hopefully, I'll make the best out of the next 3 weeks.

P/S:  Hmmmm, should I go on a super random and creative date? 

Goodbyes

I haven certainly written about goodbyes before. It is such a thought-provoking and (maybe) heart-breaking topic that most people, like me, generally avoid.

This is me, 5 years ago:

" Please, don’t ... 
Why? Why not?
Everyone is fully aware that the time of goodbye will eventually come. But who among us is prepared for that time to come? We come into each other life, bring along with us laughter, happiness but when we leave, we also leave behind us an immense emptiness in each other heart. The greater the happiness is, the greater the pain will be. So what should we do? Keep ourselves from loving, from giving away our feelings so that we would not be defeated by the pain of parting? It is easy said than done. Who is able to keep himself from feelings? It takes a minute to remember someone but a life time to forget that person."

The creative writing piece I prepared for presentation at Governor's School graduation. It was a long time ago, or it seemed like it. I was 17, and my cynicism and sarcasm weren't too bad. It was the time when I could comfortably cry my heart out in the embraces of others. I wasn't afraid to show emotions, and weakness. I believed in forever. I believed that no one could ever change what I had.  I believed that if I never utter the word goodbye, things would stay exactly how they were. 


I was young then. I still hate goodbyes. But I no longer believe that I should avoid them. I convince myself it is for the best. Sometimes, it is better to let go. Easier said than done, right? Letting go is the hardest thing I've taught myself.  I have lots of things to let go and I have never quite perfect the art of letting go. 


There is always something that holds me back. What ifs. I always ask myself, what if it will become better? What if things change? What if I change? It's a blind shot. You don't know what will happen in the future. Most of the time you just need to go with your instinct. If it turns out well, that's good. If it turns out badly, well, I'd start with another series of what ifs. 
It sounds pathetic, in my opinion at least. But let me say this, behind that series what ifs is hope, dreams, and the little bit of what left of my emotional side. I want to believe in the future. No, I want to believe in the moment. I want to have hopes in whatever I have in my hands right now because I don't want to let it go. Or more like, I don't want to let it go because I still want to believe in the best of it. 


Throughout the course of time, I learned that things don't usually turn out that way. Most of the time, my what ifs just sound like excuses for my indecisiveness and not being able to let go. I would beat myself over it, write motivational messages on the wall, or write down my determination. Sometimes it works, sometimes I get carried away. 


So what this all have to do with goodbyes? Goodbye (forever) is to let go of something you still want to hold dear to your heart. It is difficult. It is heart-breaking. It requires decisions. It requires emotions too. And it will be something I am still working on for a very long time. I need to learn not to avoid goodbyes and to let things go. Because why? Because sometimes it is easier to forget, and there's nothing wrong with take things easy.


This is me, now:

"Don’t say goodbye at all. Keep the relationship going and going and going, until there’s nothing left and you’re in two completely different places. You’re sitting next to each other on the couch but you might as well be in Somalia and them in Delaware. The emotional distance is actually terrifying. Now you know that you can understand someone so completely and then not at all. Just like that. And even though it’s terrible, none of you have the guts to cut it off so you just act out the love; you dig deep inside of yourself to access a time when it felt real and you try to bring it to the surface. It’s really quite dreadful and pathetic. Sometimes, the most painful goodbyes are the ones that never get said.

Say goodbye by turning your cheek in bed. Say goodbye when you accidentally tell someone you’re single. Say goodbye when you start to think of your grocery list during sex. Say goodbye when you start to wince when they rub your shoulders. Say goodbye when you find yourself behaving with an edge of ugliness. Say goodbye when you sleep with someone else. Say goodbye when you start to actually hate them for not doing the dishes. Say goodbye when your mind is made up. Say goodbye when there’s no longer a reason to say hello."

Amie.

It's absolute not the first time I listened to Damien Rice. I have been his fan ever since I listened to 9 Crime at 4am in the morning my 4 years ago. 

And absolutely not the first time I listened to Amie.
Yet, for some reason, when it was played on my playlist this afternoon, it made my heart ache, made me frown and feel like I was about to cry *still frowning*

Never completely understand what goes on in Damien Rice when he wrote the lyrics, but sometimes, the words stab my heart.

And it hurts.

amie

nothing unusual nothing strange
close to nothing at all
the same old scenario the same old rain
and there's no explosions here
then something unusual something strange
comes from nothing at all
i saw a spaceship fly by your window
did you see it disappear?
amie come sit on my wall and read me a story of old
tell it like you still believe that the end of the century
brings a change for you and me
nothing unusual nothing's changed
just a little older that's all
you know when you've found it there's something i've learned
'cause you feel it when they take it away hey hey
then something unusual something strange
comes from nothing at all
but i'm not a miracle and you're not a saint
just another soldier on a road to nowhere
amie come sit on my wall and read me a story of old
tell it like you still believe that the end of the century
brings a change for you and me
amie come sit on my wall and read me the story of o
tell it like you still believe that the end of the century
brings a change for you and me

A Paris State of Mind

I have been in a very French-y mood lately and have been listening nonstop to French music. These melodies have a certain characteristic softness and flow, yet still upbeat, which make me imagine myself sitting at a sunny cafe sipping a cup of warm latte. Plus, the lyrics are so mundane it makes you appreciate the little simple things in life. Extremely comforting. I just feel all fuzzy inside every single time.

Il y a

Il y a là la peinture
Des oiseaux, l'envergure
Qui luttent contre le vent
Il y a là les bordures
Les distances, ton allure
Quand tu marches juste devant

Il y a là les fissures
Fermées les serrures
Comme envolés les cerfs-volants
Il y a là la littérature
Le manque d'élan
L'inertie, le mouvement

Parfois on regarde les choses
Telles qu'elles sont
En se demandant pourquoi
Parfois, on les regarde
Telles qu'elles pourraient être
En se disant pourquoi pas

Il y a lalala
Si l'on prenait le temps
Si l'on prenait le temps
Il y a là la littérature
Le manque d'élan
L'inertie, le mouvement


Il y a là les mystères,
Le silence sous la mer
Qui luttent contre l'temps
Il y là les bordures
Les distances, ton allure
Quand tu marches juste devant

Il y a là les murmures
Un soupir, l'aventure
Comme emmêlés les cerfs-volants
Il y a là la littérature
Le manque d'élan
L'inertie le mouvement

There is

There's a painting over there
With birds, a purpose
Struggling against the wind
There are edges over there
Distances, your allure/pace
When you're walking straight ahead

There are some cracks over there
Some closed locks
As the kites flew
There's the literature over there
The lack of momentum
The inertia, the movement

Sometimes we look at the things
As they are
Wondering why
Sometimes, we look at them
As they may be
Saying to ourselves, why not?

There's
If we take the time
If we take the time
There's the literature over there
The lack of momentum
The inertia, the movement


There are the mysteries,
The silence under the sea
Fighting against time
There are edges over there
Distances, your allure/pace
When you're walking straight ahead

There's the whispering
A sigh, an adventure
Just as tangled kites
There's the literature over there
The lack of momentum
The inertia, the movement

Daily Note.

   This is the first time in a very long time that I feel so discouraged and defeated. Ever since I was a kid, I have always firmly believed that if I work hard and put enough efforts into something, I will do well. And I live by that. No matter what I do, whether it's school, organizations, friends' birthday parties or simply just working out, I always try to put in my best. Even in "relationships", although no one really believes that I actually put efforts into them. That's just how I am and I get questions from people all the time: "Why do you always work so hard?"

   This summer class is tiring me out. I wake up at 7am, review for classes while eating breakfast, get to class by 825am, pay full attention til 11am, study during lunch break, stay in lab from 1 - 4pm, study during the little time I have until workshop starts at 530pm, and study from when workshop ends until whenever the sun goes down. I haven't worked this hard for a class ever since high school. Yet, I still didn't do well. I don't know why and it frustrates the heck out of me. It crushes my values to the core. What happens to "work hard and you will get it"?

   Yes, I may sound like I am whining, and defending myself, but what am I supposed to do? As I'm growing up, I have slowly came to a realization that not everything goes my way and not everything will end up the way I want them to be. However, that does not mean that I can just sit around and let things happen. I like to fight for what I believe is right and I like to see myself working for it.

  Nevertheless, the fight can get very long and I eventually get worn out. Times like this, I always tell myself to be strong, to stand up and keep fighting. Although, to be honest, sometimes I just want to give up. It is very tiring to be strong all the time. 


  After a long day beating myself over my incompetence, I went home hoping that I could get some of the frustration out of my system. Then, I realized I couldn't. The moment I started talking about, tears came out and I felt so weak and pathetic, I stopped. I was looking for someone to pick me up, to encourage me, to keep me going but I can't bear the thought of looking pathetic in front of them. In the end, I just hide in my room, cry, then motivate myself and keep myself going.

  Actually, there has always been Brennan. He has always been there for me through my ups and downs, more so on the down side. He never does much, never talks much, but he's always able to make me feel a whole lot better. I come to him when I'm sad, "depressed", disappointed, angry, happy, excited, etc. But then at the same time, truth is, I really don't have anyone to come to besides him. 


 I recently put on my wall a list of reasons why I can be alone and still be happy, to remind myself that, indeed, I can. However, sometimes it's just very hard to keep going. Sometimes you fall, and even though you know you can get up by yourself, you know it just feels so much better to have someone to lean on. 


 Haven't found that someone yet ...


 Until then, I will keep getting up by myself. And I will still believe that if I work hard at something, I will do it well. 


 Don't give up, az. You can do it. 

19 Things You Should Do Before The Summer Is Over

Jul. 17, 2012

By Ryan O'Connell 

From Thought Catalog 

Some checklist for my own summer (this should go on my wall later, btw)

 

1. Go to the beach, duh! 
Beaches and summer go together like fashion and anorexia; you really can’t have one without the other. Spend a day frolicking in the ocean and laying in the sand with a mindless book. (I suggest Most Talkative, Andy Cohen’s light and ultimately forgettable memoir, if only for the embarrassing “I’m gay in the 80s!” photos.) Let the sun delete five years off of your life and leave feeling like a baked clam who just took five muscle relaxers.

2. Get day drunk with your friends on a lazy Sunday.
Drink sangria like it’s water and then go shopping. Purchase the most random crap ever before passing out on your couch at 5 p.m. Wake up and wonder why you purchased a 20 dollar wooden spoon at Crate and Barrel.

3. Go to a concert.
I know, I know, concerts in the summertime can be a complete clusterf-ck that’ll have you running for your anti-anxiety meds but on a rare occasion, they can actually be quite delightful. I recommend attending Bumbershoot in Seattle because it’s exciting without being TOO overwhelming. Plus, the weather in Seattle is amazing only in August and September.

4. Go see The Dark Knight Rises
...  because it is seriously the only movie event of the summer that matters! Christopher Nolan has that rare talent of making a summer blockbuster popcorn flick that doesn’t feel as shallow as a kiddie pool. Plus, Anne Hathaway as Catwoman looks intriguing…

5. Call in sick to work
... to go to the park all day by yourself and read magazines and listen to music. Maybe go stoned if you’re worried about being bored.

6. Break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend because being single in the summer is ACTUALLY fun. You can come crawling back to them when it’s cardigan weather again and just explain to them, “Sorry, babe. I just needed to be in a committed relationship with summer. You understand, right?”

7. Listen to as much top 40 pop songs as humanly possible. Maybe even reunite with Ashanti and The Murder Inc. era.

8. Hang out on someone’s rooftop till the sun rises.

9. Go swimming in a pool!
Seriously, go find someone who has a pool and offer them your money and friendship in exchange for a full day of lounging and swimming. (Sidenote: I’m so obsessed with swimming pools that I once snuck into my ex-boyfriend’s apartment complex to use his pool. TALK ABOUT DESPERATE.)

10. Go out of town. 
August is the only month out of the year where it’s socially acceptable to tell your work that you’re going to be off on vacay for a minute so take advantage. If an actual trip is out of the question, go away on the weekends and mooch off of someone’s “summer home.” Whatever you do, just get away!

11. Throw a BBQ

for all of your friends, or if you can’t cook/have a grill, make someone else do it.

12. Find out where the nearest county fair is and go to it wasted, eat funnel cake, and ride the rollercoasters. See a kitschy band like Foreigner because chances are, they will be performing at every county fair this summer.

13. Go on an internet hiatus. The internet is so boring in the summertime. Real life is exponentially better.

14. Tell your crush that you like them because they’re more likely to like you back in the summer than in the fall. There’s like scientific proof.

15. Go to a free event. There is so much free stuff to do in the summer. Winter = we’re annoyed that it’s cold out so we’re going to charge for everything. Summer = OMG, we’re so laidback! Come hang at our cool event for free!

16. Go home to visit your parents for Labor Day. Or not. If you hate your parents, save your money and don’t do it.

17. Make a conscious effort to be happy. After all, you can always be miserable in the winter!

18. Have one insane night of debauchery.
Not The Hangover status. More like Marie Antoinette “I’m hanging out in a mansion, drinking champagne, and doing bumps of 18th century coke.”

19. Eat healthy. Salads only taste good in 95-degree heat so you might as well eat them now before you start craving comfort food again. 

"Thực sự anh rất thích ôm em từ đằng sau  
Không chỉ để cả hai đứa cùng nhìn về một hướng
Để cảm thấy em bé nhỏ trong vòng tay anh
Mà còn để em ở phía trước biết rằng ở phía sau mình vẫn có một vòng tay ấm áp đang chờ đợi để được che chở, quan tâm."

Daily Note. 4th of July version

I normally don't celebrate 4th of July, simply cuz I have never really been in the US during the summer to celebrate it.

But may be also because I have never been that much into fireworks. I love watching them, but it's like, I'm not gonna die if I don't see them.

My housemates and I had a super chilled 4th of July. We just went to Starbucks (for the A/C and the bathroom cuz ours was broken =.=) and hung out for hours.

I very much enjoyed my time sitting in the sun, studying for Orgo and getting distracted by color pencils and starting a sketch.

It was very relaxing to play with colors.
I miss those days when I could just go to art classes and draw my day away, and didn't appreciate them at all. I want to take art classes again.