"I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing; kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles."- Audrey Hepburn

Nov 30, 2009

[Annual Christmas wish list - 2009 version]

Nov 29th, 2009 11:12pm

It has been a month since I experience my seasonal epiphany, when it finally hit me that autumn has come. To be naively honest, I do not want to expect myself 30 days later, having another epiphany, this time, with a realization that “Damn, winter is here.” I should have known earlier that I should not wait until after stuffing myself with Thanksgiving goodies that those crazy individuals who started playing Christmas music before Nov 15ths, those whom I cursed at for ruining my autumn mood, are actually faster in the process of accepting the truth than I am. However, the first snow is still not here yet, so I have an excuse for my slow reaction. After all, it is not winter until the first REAL snow flake hits the ground, at least in my opinion.

I do not know when I started the habit of compiling a Christmas wish list, which I know as a matter of fact, will not be fulfilled even 75%. Nevertheless, some anonymous individual has said “Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars” so I told myself “Shoot for a 10 item wish list, even if people fail, you’ll still get one.”

Thus, from last year Christmas wish list: Dec 4th, 2008 11:12pm (crazy time coincidence right there, a hint of a Christmas miracle? *sparkle eyes*)

Snow globe: "Thích cái này lâu rồi, không biết vì sao thích mà chỉ đến Christmas mới thích thôi" … --> NOT GRANTED *sad*
The Twilight Saga: "… chỉ mong được sở hữu để có thể highlight xanh đỏ tím vàng và bookmark đây đó" --> GRANTED: I actually went out and bought myself the whole collection while I was waiting at the airports during the summer.
Ipod: "… Cái này ít người dùng, mà nhìn rất cá tính, nên nếu thấy nhất định sẽ mua, không cần ipod nữa" --> GRANTED: Hahah, I’m such a hypocrite. I ended up getting an itouch
Áo lạnh: "winter coat của Zara, màu tím caro đen" --> NOT GRANTED
Make – up: "cần dụng cụ make up gây ấn tượng mạnh" --> PARTIALLY GRANTED: I’m getting there.
Letters/cards: "Dạo này rất thích nhận được những thứ viết tay …" --> SOMEWHAT GRANTED: still love them though
Dinner: "Ideal là candle light hoặc ít ra cũng formal, để có cớ dress up và make up" --> NOT GRANTED Acceptant letter from colleges --> OBVIOUSLY GRANTED: otherwise I wouldn’t be sitting here.

It seems like half of my wish list is fulfilled … by myself. I ended up just go and buy most of the thing I wanted. After all, I’m not the type to be sitting around and waiting for others to fulfill my wish, although that does a little bit too much harm for my own wallet *wince*.

One thing I realized about my Christmas list last year was: my writing style has completely changed. Reading through the entry, I thought to myself: “Damn, was I this childish 360 days ago?” I can’t even believe it with my own eyes and mind. All of my entries have become more serious, philosophical and *ahem* either more cynical or romantic. Ah, for better or for worse.

I actually tried to put a good amount of thinking into this year wish list. After all, I’m 19 and, supposedly, a realist. I am no longer the little kid who waited for my parents to fake the Santa Clause theme and hid the presents around the house. Yet, I cannot deny that, as a 19 year old, the immature, childish and hopeful side of my personality still waits for a Christmas miracle, an ultimate wish that would makes me super duper happy until next year Christmas, when another ultimate wish takes up its place. Ah, humanity and its greedy nature.

Here it come the annual wish list, version 2009:

1. Since now that I know for sure I’m coming home for Christmas, I wish I would survive the 42 hour long flight and make it home safely. I just want to go to midnight mass with my mom and sisters - it’s been a while.

2. Snow globe: I always look forward to a meaningful and breathtakingly beautiful snow globe as a surprise present every Christmas.

3. The lilac purple PSP-3000: I’m such a hypocrite, claiming not to be materialistic and then put in a super duper high-tech expensive unnecessary item as the 3rd item on the list.

4. More baking and pastry supplies so I can expand my reputation to more goodies other than cheesecake and cookies. Plus, I want to make more people happy with my hand-made sweets, then they will have to look forward to my weekly baking time *laugh*

5. Annual Christmas cards and letters from friends and family, especially from my lovely girls, Bloom.

6. Dinner: every year I would hope for a candle lighted dinner at a formal restaurant, doesn’t have to be expensive, as long as it is a place that makes me feel warm and happy when it is cold and snowing outside. Ah, it is so hard nowadays to have proper dinnertime.

7. Hand-knitted scarf : I put this in just for you Christi.

8. Hugs and warm coffee/chocolate: come on, no one says no to these. They have to be in every wish lists in the world *smile*

9. Yamashita Tomohisa posters + CDs + concert DVD: if only I could go to Japan and get these myself *sign*

10. Disney items: anything that is Disney related, preferably Aladdin, Lion King, or Eeyore, and no Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/Snow White *roll eyes*

I know Christmas is not supposed to be about the presents, but I … love opening Christmas presents and feel all excited about it. I love going shopping and spending crazy money on gifts. Then I get to customize them, wrap them and attach cute notes and cards with them. It is a tradition that makes people happy, I don’t mind being tradition in these occasions.

I now officially announce that I am in my crazy Christmas mood. Beware of ridiculous decoration and Disney Christmas music upon visiting my room or me.


Nov 19, 2009


Rain. White sky, white space. Needles and needles of water are stabbing into the barren ground.

Wind. Turns and turns of freezing wind are screaming in the dazzling white cosmos.

You hate rain. You hate this gloomy weather which always seem to try to bring everything down with it.

I imagine you sitting by the window, drown in the color of pure white, with a dream like expression on your face. How strange it is to see your bright smile and happy face being replaced with a thoughtful and melancholy expression. You are just sitting there, looking like you are dreaming about some far away fantasy world – one that exists only in those heartfelt, happy-ending Disney movies that you love to watch whenever the real world lets you down.

It’s so unreal, didn’t look out below, watch the time go right out the window, trying to hold on…

It’s raining. Rain is the same everywhere, real or unreal. After all, it will return to where it has begun - the ocean. Life is similar - the little circle of life. Sometimes you wish that time would freeze so you can live in sweet dreams and never have to wake up? Maybe you wonder how unfairly destiny treats you by giving you all and then take them away from you.

Life hurts sometimes, and sometimes it can be hard, but it won’t always be that way. There has to be a reason for you to live

Yiruma is playing his heartbreaking melodies. So many times I have told you that I would fall hopelessly in love with a sweet and warm singing voice accompanied by the soothing melody of the piano, like Yiruma, with vocal. You are listening, aren’t you? Those miraculous notes take away your fear and are the lullaby that you yearn for every night. I wish I would be able to play the piano just like this unforgettable melody of sadness that the rain is playing.

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.

Have you ever wondered what the real “me” is? Is it the cheery and enthusiastic girl who always smiles and loves to make people smiling? Or is it the thoughtful, emotional and vulnerable girl who hides inside? Or is it just me when I’m with you?

If you draw out what you are feeling, you will be able to feel a little bit better, you know?

Is it possible for other people to understand others’ feelings, even just a little bit? To have a person to understand you is hard, isn’t it? It takes timeso be patient, my little girl, just wait and your time will come. There must be someone out there in this world of millions and millions human being. There has to be, has to be, has to be.

Naturally, human does not know what is right and wrong

You know, what is right is what you believe. Are you trying to hard? Are you not trying hard enough? Should you give up or should you keep on going? The answers are all in your heart – listen, and follow.

Just forget about yesterday. There’s no point in being upset. The importance is tomorrow. Keep thinking about the future and keep on going. Even if tomorrow is going to be difficult, there will always be the day after tomorrow. If it still does not go the way you want, there will still be the day after that

You know what you want – make it come true.

As long as you live, that’s what you want: to have a reason to go on. As long as there’s hope, you are not going to give up.

You always joke that you are spoiled and you know it is true. You claim yourself as a strong, independent girl, yet being dependent has become part of you “style”. You like to be taken care of and you want attention. Is that what you always ponder upon? Staring at the rain, are you thinking that there is no one in this world who cares for you? That is not true, my girl, because there is always me. Nevertheless, as much as I want to spoil you, to take you in my arms and protect you from all the cruelty in the world, you know I cannot be here forever.

Have you thought about spreading you wings and fly in to the real world? Are you ready for that, my little girl?

If it’s just a little bit of difficulty and you have already depended on other people, that is not good. What if, someday, everything and everyone that you depend on disappear?

Are you scared? Are you afraid of that day to come, my dear? Are you anticipating the moment with anxiety and insecurity? You said that nobody is perfect and that is the reason why you need the others me.

No one can live by himself

Is that what you think? Is that why you always get hurt so easily? Emotions are you strength, but they are also your weakness.

You can close your eyes to things you don’t want to see, but you can’t close your heart to things you don’t want to feel

Is that your excuse? If it is, it sounds pretty damn reasonable. Are you wishing that you had never put on that strong cover on yourself? Are there times when you just want to cry out loud? Are there times when you just want to break down and just don't bother to get up, just lying there in the middle of time and space, waiting for someone so come and pick you up?

Is that why you always have happiness on your face and bury the melancholy deep inside? Are you preparing yourself for something to happen so that you will be strong enough not to be defeated by agony?

Things happen when you least expect them to happen

Are you feeling insecure? Are you worried that because things are going too well, it will come right back at your face the next minute? Are you happy or are you sad? Are you regretting what you did?

It is not a coincidence that we meet each other. We don’t just pass by each other in life.

You said that you believed in fate. Do you know, my dear, that fate can be cruel?

Don’t cry. Keep smile!

Is that what you tell yourself every day in order to overcome the cruelty of destiny? Have you ever felt hopeless? Have you ever felt like you just want to give up everything? Have you ever felt like you are all alone in this world? Listen, my dear, the reason why you feel alone is because the stars around you are suffering, hesitating along with you. Shh! Listen to them. You will understand when you grow stronger and realize your surroundings. You’re not alone, my dear. Live as you want to live and ignore the destiny that torments you. And in the end, laugh at its face. You can do it, can’t you?

You know, your smile may make a person’s day. Your laugh can lift up an unhappy soul. Do you realize how much you mean to others? Are you thinking that nobody cares for you? In fact, you know, the world is a much better place with you in it. It is not a dream, isn’t it? You may ask. It is raining, and the world drowning in raindrops is a miracle. You are looking at the rain, immersing your feelings in your little dream.

Rain - coming to an end.


Nov 1, 2009

[Simply autumn]

This is one of the moments that I cannot take anymore of the plasma membrane and its electron transport system, nor can I have anymore tolerance for equilibrium constant and Fe concentration. These are the times when I wish I have a deadline to finish reading Catcher in the Rye or finish that essay on Existentialism in Shakespeare’s works. Recently, I have found myself using writing as an escape path from the confusing and complicated scientific world that sometimes is too much for my faint heart. I miss writing.

One of those days, I walked the usual fifteen steps to Starbucks under the grumbling, pouting grey sky. One of those days, I stood there five minutes staring at flocks and flocks of birds soaring through the sky, wondering how many of them there were. I admired the orange leaves twirling around in a fast pace tango dance with the wind. I could smell the sharp and crispy air and hear the crunchy sound of the leaves crumbling underneath my steps. Only then did it truly hit me that, autumn has come. I have been in denial for the past few weeks, telling myself that the weather has just been feeling “under the weather” for a short period of time and eventually it would get over it. Unfortunately, it did not.

The strange thing about autumn is that it is both emotional and indifferent at the same time; it is ambiguous. Spring and its vitality bring about happiness and hope. Summer and its cheerfulness personality carries with it handfuls of energy. Winter covers the world with melancholy and a feeling that everything is in slow motions. Autumn is just autumn. It is just that same old grey sky, occasionally generous enough to allow several rays of faint golden sunlight. It is neither joyful nor depressing; neither too warm nor too cold. Autumn gives out a feeling of a pacifist, playing the role of a mediator, trying to stop the potentially intense fight between summer and winter, with an extremely calm and straight face. Maybe because of that reason, I feel like autumn, under its emotionless disguise, is full of sweetness, peacefulness and love at heart.

Autumn is filled with sweet. It is the season where the signature extra-sweet Pumpkin Spice Latte in Starbucks makes it reappearance with such a hit. One can find the amazing smell of pumpkin spice everywhere he goes, combined with smells of cinnamon, of caramel, and of cider. From houses (and even in dorms’ hall) the air carries with it the luscious aroma of homemade pumpkin pies, banana breads and apple cinnamon rolls. Hot cocoa, marshmallows, candy bars fly out of Walmart’s shelves and restock themselves in the homely cupboard. On the streets, kids jumping up and down, dressed in costumes, counting the treats in their bucketful of candy. There must be something of characteristic of autumn that makes the human body yearns for the extra carbohydrates they try to stay away from all year.

Autumn is also the season when one solely fragile and honey colored sunlight can make people feel an abundance of warmth, when a freshly washed and dried scarf and jacket can make a person smile for the rest of the day. It is the season when humanity goes on a search for anything that can bring about the tiniest amount of heat.

Most likely for this reason, every year, the moment I realize that it is autumn, I have this buoyant and glowing feeling. The sweetness and the warmth from nature somehow make me feel unsatisfied and my heart aches for more of those pleasant feelings, from humanity. I yearn for emotions and affection.

Is this the reason why people are said to fall in love easier in autumn? It does not make any sense to my rational self, the self that constantly reminds me that: “Just because someone is kind to you doesn't means that it's love. Just because someone holds you doesn't mean that it's love. Just because someone kisses you doesn't mean that it's love. Just because someone says "I love you" doesn't mean that it's love.”

Despite all that logic, I am a person with extra sensitivity when it comes to touch, sound and smell; and autumn has all of these. I may not be able to remember a face, I may forget a name, but a faint smell of mint chocolate, a feeling of a protect hand around mine or a sweet, low voice saying my name would linger in my memory for days. I am intoxicated by these stimuli and even just a trivial amount of them would trigger all my senses, and breaks the controlled grips that I put on my emotions. It makes me wonder all the time, exactly what is it about autumn that makes my senses so much sharper and a hug, a touch, a voice or a smell so much more addicting?

Ah, this is why I said autumn is ambiguous. I cannot take a hold of its nature and it makes my mind fluttering and unclear. Just as I want to cast away all the science homework to create a piece of poetic writing, I want to abandon the realistic and cynical self to adopt the idealist and romantic one. I seriously consider putting aside all the priorities, plans, lists and anything that is predictable to be adventurous and just go with the flow.

This, is one of the moments that makes me want to fall, heads and heels, hopelessly, “unconditionally and irrevocably” in love, all over again.
[Nov 1 2009]