The other night I had a dream. I dreamed that I was a character in an RPG game (indication that I have been thinking about games too much recently). I have completed all the quests, defeated all the enemies and conquered all the kingdoms. Time came for the moment of the final victory and I was ready to battle when the bloody Devil told me that I couldn't not win the game unless I passed Orgo and graduated from U of R. Then my dream just turned into a nightmare.
I woke up, terrified and could not fall back to sleep again.
After graduation, or more like during graduation, it suddenly hit me that once the seniors graduated, it will be my turn. The torch has been passed whether I want to accept it or not. Soon enough, I will be facing with questions such as "What is your plan for after graduation?", "What are you going to do next year?", etc. The truth is, I don't know what I want to do and just the mere thought of my future scares me, makes me restless and sick in the stomach. For all these years, ever since the moment I stepped on the plane to leave my own country, I thought I knew what I wanted to accomplish. Oh, how much the naive thoughts of a 16 year old me amuses me right now. I should have known better. I have always been such an egocentric, arrogant kid who always think that she is better than everyone else. Now fear just takes over. I was restless for what I felt like centuries, and finally broke down when my mom called and the first thing she asked was: "What is your plan for next year?"
I went into a panic attack, or maybe I am still having one. It is one of those moments when I realize I am such a spoiled brat who depends on my parents for everything. Not only do I rely on them for financial, I also need to depend on my mom to calm me down and to keep me going. I wanted to give up. I lost all confidence in myself. I didn't think I could do anything. I thought I was such a worthless daughter who was good for nothing except for spending money. Just like when I failed a national exam for the first time in my life, my parents encourage me, believe in me and keep me going.
I feel better, and I feel like I could do anything if I have these two behind my back forever. But they won't be ... Another nightmare and panic attack.
I really should stop stressing myself out and break down into panic attacks. Those are really not fun. They are really painful, and exhausting.
Lately, I have also felt extremely lonely. Lonely to the bones. Lonely to point that I am afraid of being by myself, or being in the dark. Since when have I become this weak? Where did all my strength go? Since when have I become so dependent on people around me? Such a nightmare.
I go to work, go to the gym for 2 hours, lie in the sun and read, come home and study or read more. Normally, I should be fine with that. Such a boring routine though. I hate routines. I feel the urge of finding people to spend time with, so I don't feel alone. I need to talk to people. I start texting Brennan because he is the only one I can confide to about my depression and all the other crazy things that go through my head. I don't want to be too clingy to my friends, or to any guy. They actually may think I am one of those psycho girls.
But what can I do? I am so restless that I want to have someone's company just so that I can fall asleep without having nightmares.
Spent the night at his place last night, and I slept without any bad dream. I woke up early in the morning and hated myself for becoming so dependent on people company. Another nightmare.
Home alone today, and felt so terribly terribly scared of the silence, and quiet. What is wrong with me?
Come on Az, you're stronger than this. Just be productive and soon you will be back to your normal self again.
Maybe this will help ...