"I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing; kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles."- Audrey Hepburn

Nov 29, 2010

When you wish upon a ... wish list :)

It seems like there has been a gap in my seasonal epiphany this year. Usually, around the end of October, beginning of November, it hits me like "BAM!" in the face that autumn is here. Then sometime around Turkey - time and crazy - Friday - when - Thanh's - credit card - cries, it hits me "BAM!" again that winter is right in front of me.

Thanks to Rochester bipolar weather, I have tricked my mind into believing that there is no such thing as winter, until yesterday, when I looked out the window and actually saw that fluffy cold stuff called snow on the ground. The first thought that run through my mind was "Damn, I don't have a Christmas shopping list and a Christmas music list yet."  I should have known earlier that I should not wait until after stuffing myself with Thanksgiving goodies to realize that those crazy individuals who started playing Christmas music before Nov 15ths, those whom I cursed at for ruining my autumn mood, are actually faster in the process of accepting the truth than I am.

Well, I blamed it on Orgo, and Genetics, and ten million other things that occupy my mind and make me forget my super Christmas spirit.

I know Christmas is not supposed to be about the presents, but I love opening Christmas presents and getl all excited about them. I love going shopping and spending crazy money on gifts. Then I get to customize them, wrap them and attach cute notes and cards with them. It is a tradition that makes people happy, I don’t mind being conventional in this one occasion!

 It has been said that “Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars” so I told myself “Shoot for a 10 item wish list, even if people fail, you’ll still get one.” 

Here it comes - the annual wish list, version 2010:

  1. To be home for Christmas Eve --> I actually could have made this happen, but the thought of paying for that round trip plane ticket is just too painful.
  2. Spend a week in NYC --> to visit my dear Melody, Miki, Zala and enjoy shopping in the city
  3. Christian Louboutin or Manolo Blahnik pumps/boots --> I have a never ending greed for shoes =.= However, if I can fulfill my 2nd wish, I'll get this one thanks to Melody :)
  4. New camera --> I'm most likely getting this for myself: a Violet Sony Cypershot T99 14.1 mpx . This will add to my collection of purple goodies: calculator, cell phone, Ipod. After this, it will be a purple laptop and a purple PSP ;)
  5. Baking supplies --> can never get enough of these ;)
  6. Great great great great books/novels --> I have been slacking on my reading lately, which would explain why my writing is getting worse and worse. I wish I could have to just sit down, have some coffee and read through a really good 800 page novel or something like that.
  7. Something warm and cozy, and fluffy --> Knitted scarf? Gloves? Hats? Slippers? Stuffed animals? Comforter? Blanket? Idk, anything, I love warm and cozy stuff.
  8. Going out for dinner --> Christmas always put me in a mood to dress up and go out for a fancy dinner, doesn’t matter who I'm with, it'll be fun.
  9. Sex and the City related stuff --> I most likely will get the DVD for the 2nd movies myself, but posters for SATC is soooo hard to find :(
  10. Cards, letters, notes, packages from friends all over the world --> this is the part that I'm looking forward to the most, to receive something tangible from all the friends that I have from everywhere <3

Wow, it took me soooo long to finish this list. I actually had so much trouble thinking what I really want for Christmas. I wonder whether it is a good thing that I don't have anything I desire so badly. Maybe because I have been shopping way too much I don't need anything anymore, that'd be bad =.=

It really doesn't matter anyway. The thing I enjoy most about Christmas is the time before it, when all the lights are put up along the streets, when people get all excited about buying gifts and decorate their houses or when Christmas music is played everywhere or when I can see the happy expressions on people faces when they open presents.

 It is the time when even though the weather is cold and gloomy, you appreciate it because you know that there is always something, or someone waiting to make you feel warm and happy. 

Nov 11, 2010

The show.

On the year that I determined to set aside a slot in my daily schedule to devote to writing, I fail at completing this goal even worse that I did before. The last thing I wrote (besides lab reports and weekly updates for my organizations) was dated on September 07, and I didn't even finish writing it.

It makes me wonder, have I been too occupied with certain things that I forgot how to take a step back and reflect on the way I live my life?

The other day I was rushing toward the lab, when I looked at the sky and saw hundreds of birds flocking across the sunset sky. I came to a sudden stop. Stop, breathe, and think. Last year, I paused at the same sky, in the middle of the exact same road, stared at the (same?)birds for probably the same amount of time and most likely made the same  number of people wonder - "What the hell is wrong with this girl?"

The thoughts and feelings of last year rushed back to me and I asked myself, where is that girl who used to know how to slow down her steps, and felt the change of the season?

Where is the girl that used to "walked the usual fifteen steps to Starbucks under the grumbling, pouting grey sky … who stood there five minutes staring at flocks and flocks of birds soaring through the sky, wondering how many of them there were, … who admired the orange leaves twirling around in a fast pace tango dance with the wind and … who could smell the sharp and crispy air and hear the crunchy sound of the leaves crumbling underneath her steps"?

That girl no longer wakes up early on Saturday mornings, enjoy warm lattes while reading newspapers, sketching new designs or writing new blog entries. In fact, she doesn't even have an idea of how she has spent her Saturday mornings lately.

She no longer takes her Friday afternoons off and de-stress by indulging herself in baking cookies, brownies or anything that her friends have a crave for and talking the afternoon (or even the evening) away. In fact, she does not even have the time to bake a birthday cake for her close friends.

She no longer spends Saturday  aiming/skyping her best friends from home. Recently, she doesn't even follow their blogs, ask them questions about their lives or return their phone calls.

She no longer awaits for her mom to call every Sunday night to talk about things that happen during the week, or to hear about things that have been going on at home. Indeed, she upsets her parents by ignoring the phone calls and making up excuses to get out of conversations.

She still works hard at things, still stays on top of school work and keeps up with her GPA.  She attends more social events and goes out more often. She keeps her groups of friends. She strikes up conversations and makes new friends in seconds. She keeps the smile on her face and a positive attitude. Yet, she knows deep down in her heart that she is just playing roles, socially and emotionally.

Her thoughts would no longer come out in writing and her feelings would no longer show in conversations. It feels like her personality has been squeezed into a tiny fragile bubble that would pop anytime. It feels like her persona has expanded into a huge elastic balloon that serve to bounce off anything she does not want to face.

She is no longer the girl who wanted to  'want to fall, heads and heels, hopelessly, “unconditionally and irrevocably' in love, all over again"? On the other hand, she just enjoys the company, the comfort, the convenience of having guys around to accommodate her needs. She knows how to play the game and she plays it the way that she could not get hurt.

Is she still me? Was it really me, with such affection and emotions,  who wrote this (http://ciel-azur.blogspot.com/2009/11/simply-autumn.html ) ?

Writing all these things down, it feels like reality just slapped me in the face. I feel content with my life. I feel less stressful dealing with schools. I feel happier being a social butterfly. I feel good at myself getting attention and special treatments from (multiple) guys. But Jesus Christ,  what exactly am I doing with my life?

I don't think I can stand this risk-free, emotion-free, lifestyle anymore.

If things seem too good to be true, it probably is.