Nov 13, 2012
As I rushed out of the house this morning trying to get to lab on time before I get in trouble, a tiny snow flake landed on my scarf. And that was all it took for me to pause. When is it almost winter already? In the midst of crazy life and millions other things, I have totally let autumn go by unnoticed.
I remember walking through the cemetery to work every other morning, thinking how beautiful all the leaves were, and made a mental note to myself to either bring my camera, or come here during the weekend and sketch. Those things never happened. Just like many other plans that I told myself I would finish and never did. Since when have I started a life of all talk, and no action ...?
My life has been mediocre. Classes, work, homework, all-nighters, exams, papers, Sigmas, meetings, occasional drunken nights, and more than occasional drunken encounters with various guys. When I look back on the past 2 months, I recall nothing. My life has been so unmemorable and uneventful that I can't even remember anything significant. And here I thought senior year of college was supposed to be the best year of your life. It is no different than my previous years, if not more sressful having to constantly carry the thought of graduation on my shoulders. Everything that my friends and I talk about are how we are so lost in life we have no idea we want to do after graduation. Midnight conversations, early morning conversations, odd-hour conversations, it's all about life, and choices. I feel like I'm wasting my time but then I have no idea what else I could do to make my life more meaningful.
I feel like I'm just floating aimlessly in this universe, without a sense of where I am, or even what I am. I m being influenced by all these forces that I lose all control. More than often, I wonder what I am doing amd what the purpose of my existence is.
I am lost, and alone. Thus, I try to not feel lost, and alone. I am even more of an attention-seeker than I have ever been. I contant look for reassurance that people acknolwedge my existence, and that they need to pay attention to it. That's why my life is such a mess. Honestly, I feel like I know the reason behind all of these lunatic moments and behaviors. Although I may just be in denial.
I don't think I ever get over it. And it left such a huge impact in my life that I am struggling and trying so many things trying to get back to my old self, and to gain back the control I used to have. I would be doing really well, before I slip. And everytime I slip, it takes me twice the effort to get back up again. I try to grab on anything on my way, but nothing is sturdy enough. It is so frustrating that I don't even want to think about it anymore.
"If a guy treat you like crap, genuinely he means to treat you like crap" - He's not that into you
I wish that I can just blindly believe this.
I just want to make another escape to some place new in the world. I miss South Africa. I miss Vietnam. I need to get away to somewhere to get rid of this suffocating feeling.
Christmas is coming. Maybe by the time New Year comes, everything will be better.
Posted by [Az] at 1:10 PM