"I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing; kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles."- Audrey Hepburn

Apr 28, 2012

Daily Note.

I ran into him for the first time since we were "over" tonight.
I was someone else's date for the banquet, and he, of course, brought his girlfriend.
I didn't think it would affect me this much, but there's just this uneasy feeling keep churning in my stomach. I am so such a bad person for thinking this, but I feel slightly jealous with her. She is pretty but I don't know what is it about her that could keep him, while I couldn't. Okay, to be fair, I kind of let him go on my own, due to circumstances, I really have no right to be feeling like this. Still, I keep having this thought in my head: "A year ago, it was me in that spot".

A year ago, it was me who he texted and called to say goodnight. It was me who he took care of so gently and so tentatively, wouldn't let me stand in the cold for even 1 minute, would lend me his coat whenever I wanted it, would put the blanket over me when I fell asleep studying in his office. It was my hand whose he held possessively in front of his friends. It was me who picked out dress shirts for him the morning. It was me who had his attention, and his care at all time.

Now, all I could get was a hug and mundane conversation like we were even less than friends. I have broken up with more than one guys. I wasn't even that upset nor cry when I ended things with him. Things just happened naturally. But for some reason, this haunts me more than anything. I keep wishing that I wasn't so stupid and could let go of my ego. I wish it was a better timing when I didn't have to go abroad when he needed someone with him. I just secretly I could have been there, last night at the banquet, as his girlfriend.

How greedy of me. Wishing for something that I let go just because other girls get it. Maybe next time, I shouldn't let go of someone that makes me truly happy. Or maybe next time, I should just keep my head, and heels, high and make them secretly wish they didn't let me go. Yep, that's how it should be.

Thanks God I actually looked flawless last night, and it wasn't one of those days when I bum around in nerdy glasses.

Okay, 10 minutes of regretting time is over. Time to move on.

Apr 20, 2012

Daily Note.

Starbucks 4:21pm
The first sunny day in Rochester

I am trying extremely hard not to stare, or pull out my camera to take picture of a guy sitting next to me.
He's writing a letter with a fountain pen (!) on beautiful paper and in gorgeous and neat cursive hand writing, looking incredibly calm and happy.
This makes me feel like something melted inside me, warm and peaceful.
At least I know that somewhere in this world, there are still people who appreciate the art of writing.
Whoever that letter will be sent to, I am sure it will make his/her day.
One day, I wish I can receive a letter just like that.

Apr 5, 2012

Vagina Monologues, ice cream, cookies and a wake-up-slow Sunday..

I have to be honest with myself, my blog is not very exciting lately. There are no exciting stories, no interesting pictures, not even the usual contemplation on random but interesting topics. That may, or may not be, an indication of my pretty unevenful life. It is not like I am still in South Africa and there are spontaneous adventures happening every other day, or every other hour. I am in Rochester and the most exciting thing that happens to me probably would be, hmmm, what would it be? .... An exam that I never knew I had until 24 hours before it? Yeah, sad life.

Although, something exciting DID happen last week: The Vagina Monologues. Back to freshman year, I never would have even known of the existence of the show if it wasn't for the fact that it was a required activity that I needed to fulfill. So I went, and was addicted to it since then. I participated sophomore year, and as fate went, accepted the directing role this year. I was pumped, nervous but, in all and all, excited. Truth is, after every China Nite or Korea Night show, I am always secretly jealous with my friends who are presidents, vice presidents, etc., and they get to have this amazing "I-just-put-together-something-great-and-enjoyable" feeling. Since the last international show in high school, I don't think I have experienced that feeling, and I missed it. One thing I forgot though, was the amount of work and stress that came with that. It was tons of work. It was work that I never knew I would be able to handle. My mind was constantly occupied with thoughts about vaginas ;) What should I be doing next? Did I get this done? How do I make this better? Is the poster not catchy enough? Did I forget to do something? There were paperwork to fill, people to meet, and money to be calculated. It was weird though, because I never thought that the show was that big of a deal. It was nothing as large-scale compared to other events on campus, and it still took that much time and efforts from many people. I definitely appreciate every shows I go to from now on.

My sisters are always there to support me <3
 The day of the show, my friends were all confused because I was strangely calm. For the person who is all the time stressed out like me, to be not stressed at all on such a day was unbelievable. Poor Katie, my co-director, she was probably even more stressed out by the fact that I was so nonchalant while taking care of things, sipping coffee and eating Caesar salad. I was nervous, of course, but a sip of wine or two took care of that.

How did the event go, you ask? It went amazingly well, with some minor technical difficulties, inevitably. My cast did an amazing job at all their monologues, and I swear I could NEVER be able to do a better job. I actually missed the feeling of performing the pieces themselves, but to be able to watch and experience this "relief" after every monologue was done was something entirely different. All and all, it was nothing special to the campus at a whole, but to me, and everyone who was involved, it was a great experience. I would not trade it for anything in the world. One thing that makes my day every single day since then: people who I do not know on campus came up to me and told me how great the show was. I felt like I did nothing, really, but it should be fine for me to be happy, and proud, right? Although, I wonder if I was recognized only by the "hipster" aka nerdy glasses that I have been sporting around these days. Why? I happened to "scrape" my eye pupil with my contact lens the day before the show, and could not see anything from one of my eyes. I figured if I really had no choice but to wear glasses, may as well go for something ridiculous and pretend it was totally my personal style. Hence, the big fat purple glasses.

So nerdy, lol.
 Even with the Vagina Monologues, last weekend probably was the most relaxing weekend I have had for a while. With events, mixers, and parties lined up all semester, I don't remember the last time I had a weekend for myself, doing my own thing. So, after cramming for two exams (that I was not present in class for any of the lectures), I decided to do nothing. I did what I said I would (prefer to my earlier blog entry, haha): eating ice cream and cookies while watching Disney movie in bed. And the fact that I didn't even have to get out of bed to get the ice cream and cookies made them ten times better.

 I am a bit embarassed to admit this, but the moment I had that little free time, I knew I wanted to spend it with him. It felt pretty incredible to be woke up with a kiss, or two, and had whatever I asked for granted. I love the feeling of being able to snuggle close to him, and still able to do my "single girl behavior" - pounding down ice cream and cookies. And get pancakes for breakfast in the morning. I might, or might not have, scared him a little bit with my mere presence all weekend. I don't remember the last time we got to sleep in until noon on a Sunday, without thinking what we should be doing next. Apparently, tt has always been my fault because I have such a busy schedule (really?). Anyway, all I did the rest of the day was continous napping (while he went to dance practice) and only waking up to be taken out for dinner. I am such a spoiled brat, I know.

Pancakes for breakfast <3
 One lesson learned though, there is a reason why I moderate the amount of time we spend together. I would say something stupid and we would start a stupid fight that would result in us ignoring each other for like, 3 days, and then one of us would give up. Yesterday, I got an unexpected phone call and an equally relaxing and enjoyable dinner that still puts a smile on my face ;)

I also got to go to a breakdance competition on Friday. The last time I had a chance to watch a competition in real life was ... at the same competition last year =.= I realized how much I missed breakdancing, and also the chilled and relaxing atmosphere that it always carried. It was a good night hanging out with the RIT friends and meeting new people (over ice cream!). I haven't hung out with RIT pis for a while and I forgot how fun they were to be with. They are a bunch of 7 year old kids who like to play with origami and balloons, and getting competitive over them, but they also treat me well, like real gentlemen. Haha.

Unfortunately, I knew my life should not have been that easy when I realized on Monday that I had an exam the next day =.= Still feel like doing nothing, I had to force myself to be antisocial and spent the entire day in the basement, isolated from the rest of the world, and studied my head off. The exam went well, surprisingly. Sometimes I am amazed by how much information I can stuff in my head when I need to. Also, after trying to avoid doing it during the entire weekend, I got back to my habit and planned out my agenda for the next two weeks. Of course, I am mildly stressed out at the moment about everything that I will need to get done. On a positive note, I also get back into the routine of regular trips to the gym, and what can I say, running on the treadmill and working on the crunches have always been my favorite way to de-stress and to energize myself.

It was a weekend of plenty of accomplishment, great company and amazing feelings of being taken care of. It is time for me to get back to the real world and back to the capable, productive, indendepent and always-on-the-go self of me. Then maybe after a while of working hard, I can reward myself with another weekend like this again.

- by a mildly stressed out but happy [az]