"I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing; kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles."- Audrey Hepburn

Aug 26, 2013

Daily Note

Have you ever had that feeling when you want to believe something so badly that it hurts? But then the fact that you still have doubts even though you want to believe troubles you even more? It's like I am stuck in this intersection and voices from all directions telling me different things. I'm lost and confused and even more frustrated because I don't know whom to believe, even myself. 

After all, people only see what they want to believe, and believe in what they want to see. 

Aug 22, 2013

Things I love, and hate, Thursday

1. I'm moving to a new apartment on Saturday, which means lots and lots and lots of packing. Last night, I went through all my college notes and realized that it really is over. It was a bittersweet feeling throwing things away. It was like closing another chapter of my life. I always have trouble letting go of the past.

2. Moving to a new apartment also means that I get to decorate my room all over again. I am actually excited for my new room since I saved several paychecks for all the furniture. Exceptionally excited about these pillows.

3. It has been said that among relationships, money and career, you can only have the most two out of three at one time. I feel like I'm dealing with so much financial stuff right now my head is about to burst open any moment. I wish I had stayed at home longer so I could learn all these things from my parents, instead of struggling and trying to learn everything on my own now. I hate making big decisions, especially when they are money related. At least the other two are going ... okay.

4. Got my learner's permit (finally, feel like this is missing teenage-hood right here). Next step, getting that carrrrrrrrr. Another big decision to make, and a complicated one too. Nonetheless, it's exciting. Look at this sexy baby though ...

5. List of grad schools is finalized. Time to tackle those personal statements and applications. GRE exams are lining up, too. Deep breath, I can do this.

6. Month 3 of pilates with Cassey Ho. I can see/feel all the muscles on my body toning up. Also able to get up to 3 miles much faster now. I need to work extra hard on my diet if I want to lose a bit more weight though.

7. Red ombre hair - highlight of the month. Every year I would go home to get a hair cut and styling from my aunt, since I can't do it this year, I had to pay for it because my hair was bothering me so much. It cost me an arm and a leg but I was extra happy with it. Bright bright bright red and soft too.

8. My friends have recently introduced me to this casino place, more like they go there for the gambling and I go there to watch them play. The spa here is another story. I miss my spa sessions in Vietnam. I feel like my body is aching for a spa day so badly. Maybe next time when I get a chance to, I'll come back here just to treat myself to something nice.

9. Convinced the best friend to get snapchat. Getting his snaps and random short videos every day makes me so happy. It makes me feel like that 7000 miles gap between us is really not that far apart.

10. Learned so many new things this month, including football and cars. I could see why guys are so into these things. I guess I am such a girl after all because I get so confused and ask the most clueless questions. Feel like one of those super girly-acting-dumb girls, but I am actually clueless. It is fun learning new stuff though, and great topics to get those guys talking too.

11. Looking forward for people to come back to school, and hopefully, it will be a fun and eventful semester for Sigma this year too.

It's been a productive month for me, with a few relaxing short trips here and there. September, let's make it a good month too. 

P/S: Successfully squeezed in a post while waiting for my friend to get out of work. Having Starbucks to myself is the best.

Aug 15, 2013

“It’s probably not just by chance that I’m alone. It would be very hard for a man to live with me, unless he’s terribly strong. And if he’s stronger than I, I’m the one who can’t live with him. … I’m neither smart nor stupid, but I don’t think I’m a run-of-the-mill person. I’ve been in business without being a businesswoman, I’ve loved without being a woman made only for love. The two men I’ve loved, I think, will remember me, on earth or in heaven, because men always remember a woman who caused them concern and uneasiness. I’ve done my best, in regard to people and to life, without precepts, but with a taste for justice.” 
― Coco Chanel

Aug 11, 2013

Daily Note

I thought after all this time I would no longer write about you but here I am again. I try not to because every time I do, it is full of sadness, regrets, anger or frustration. But I like to write because I know once I'm done writing about something, I won't have to be stuck with those thoughts for days. I simply put everything into words, leave them here and move on.

After all this time, I'm still not sure how I really feel, or how we really feel about each other in that matter. I could be lying in bed one Friday night and miss you like I would miss my Starbucks green tea latte. Then I would get dressed, go out, meet a cute guy, and forget all about my pathetic lonely self a few hours earlier. I could be waking up next to you one Sunday morning then get into a fight with you later that night and would refuse to see you again for the next two months. I could be writing you emails that make you run for the hills then the next day I would tell you to stop bother me so I could be with another guy. I am a selfish person. I do everything for myself. However, when it comes to you, I wonder if I really am doing everything for myself, or I am just getting frustrated after days and months of waiting for you to realize what I am to you. 

I hate that I turn into the jealous and sarcastic girl around you. I am never that way around any other guy because I trust all my guys completely, just like how I used to trust you with all my mind. Sometimes I do things that I am not completely proud of, so I believe that it is the same case for everyone. We are all human. We make mistakes. We are all young. We lose control of our minds sometimes and do things that we would like to slap ourselves in the face for the next day. But I always want to believe that no matter what happens, it will always be me whom they come back to in the end. I am a confident girl after all. Yet, when I see you or hear about you with someone else, I have this feeling in my stomach that drains all my energy. I feel that I am such a bad person for having double standards, for having all these thoughts and for getting upset because after all, who am I to you anyway?  "Whatever, I don't care" is my go-to sentence that I always tell myself and others when it comes to these situations. But do I really not? That knot in my stomach tells me that it's more like I don't want to know because I want to stay in denial, to only see what will make me happy and ignore what makes me sad. Then my mind would find reasons for me to look at things on the "bright" side, so that the next time I see you and the next time you put your arms around me, I will continue to live that lie. 

I know why it didn't work out between us and I know, from the bottom of my heart, that it never will. I am strong enough to fake my emotions and pretend like I don't care but not enough to bear all these doubts and pain. I am patient enough to keep forgiving things that you have done to me but not enough to wait for you to realize that I mean more to you than you think. I am selfish enough to want to protect my heart, but not enough to put it beyond everything else in my life and find ways to make you mine. 

I feel like I'm standing on a fragile glass floor that has become so fragile from so many times I stepped back and forth. If I don't move, I will fall and get hurt. If I step forward like I've done multiple times in the past, I could be safe. But at this point, the glass may break the moment I walk away and I would never be able to go back to where I was. Or what if I take a wrong step forward and everything shatters? 

What if in the end, no matter what I do, I would still end up falling and getting hurt? Then what do I do?

Aug 10, 2013

"Em muốn ôm cả đất
Em muốn ôm cả trời
Mà sao anh ơi... 
Em ko ôm nổi trái tim một con người"

Aug 8, 2013

Sài Gòn giấu anh kĩ quá ...

Crushes, and homesickness

This is definitely way pass my bed time and my eyelids are so heavy they just want to stay close. However, I want to finish writing this entry before I wake up tomorrow and let myself being carried away by my busy daily routine. 

This morning, I came across this video on the Facebook of one of my students. I have never been a big fan of Vietnamese movies or music because in my opinion they generally are not that great. Naturally, I don't follow them as often. This short movie produced by a group of Vietnamese in the US, either born here or came here to study abroad, however, caught my attention. To be honest, I didn't think neither the acting nor the story line was that great but the movie got me thinking. Although I chose a different path to study abroad and my story is far from similar to the one of the main actress, she still reminded me of the time when I first arrived at the US. That lonely feeling with no one around to share with how you feel, with occasional phone calls from home that just make you homesick even more, and with the simple happiness of having a friend to past time with. I was reminded of all the tears that I cried from being scared of not knowing what to do, surrounded by only strangers. The sixteen year old girl who tried to make her way into another culture, another country with so many new things to learn and too little support to lean on. The sixteen year old girl who decided to leave the comfort of her family to find her dreams and fight with disappointments and harsh reality. I have been in the US for more than six years now and I thought I would have been used to being by myself. That actually is not true. There are still moments when I get jealous of my friends who can go home for holidays, enjoy homemade food, receive care packages from their parents, etc. It is difficult sometimes to realize that I have to make all my decisions alone, without receiving any advice from my parents. Sometimes I wish I were still at an age when all I have to do is to listen to what my parents tell me to do and do it, without having to worry about what the consequences would be. It makes me wonder, why did I ever leave that zone of absolute comfort, warmth and carefreeness and wander into this cruel world? 

I spent the rest of the night watching short clips and videos about high school time in Vietnam. It's always been known to us that high school, especially the last two years, are the best time of one's life. Leaving the country before I could experience that "happiest moment", I can only imagine how it would be if I had stayed home instead. For the little bit of memory that I had, middle school was the best part of my life and I would relive that any day (although I'm not sure how I feel about having to go through all those rough exams and tests again). I think everyone would agree that what makes high school years so beautiful and memorable is because it's the transitioning period into adulthood. We experience the best and most innocent feelings: having a crush on someone and having a dream. I would say I miss that feeling of liking someone secretly and not having the courage to tell that person. Being the bold and straighforward girl that I am now, I don't think that feeling will ever come back. I would also say I miss that feeling when even a light touch makes so you feel so happy you could burst into bubbles and fly into the sky. But I wouldn't say that feelings now are not as desirable. It is true that my relationships nowadays involve playing games, texting, facebooking, fancy dates, movie nights, sleep overs, etc. A simple touch doesn't matter as much in a country where physical contact means nothing more than just friendliness. But I feel like the feelings that you get when you know that your feelings are being reciprocated are the same. The first of everything is always the most exciting. I have seen lots of guys for the past four years but I can still clearly remember the first time I got that confirmation from each of them, the moment when you know they feel the same and that you're not just a sad single and lonely girl with one-sided crush. Yes, I miss all the innocent hang-outs at the mall and hand-written notes to each other. I miss the awkward moment when we sit next to each others and have nothing to say. But I also love the moments when I can cuddle up to the familiar scent and feel that comfortable warmth surrounded me. I love the feeling of going to bed and wake up in the morning with pure happiness. 

It is true that there are lots of memories I want to cherish and that sometimes I look back and wish I could go back to the days when I were young. However, I believe that each stage of my life has its own excitement and things I can look forward to, and remember when I look back from the future. I believe that feelings are feelings, doesn't matter how you express it, doesn't matter how many times you have done it, the excitement and happiness that they bring about will still be the same. And isn't that what life a little bit less lonely, especially for a girl who is away from home like me?