Free ... fall?

When I looked back on my old entries, the last decent piece I wrote was after Christmas break. That was the time when the ground was still covered in white snow and my life was consumed by work, work and work. In a blink of an eye, now, outside of my window, the cherry blossoms are “pinking” the campus and the birds are chirping (even when you’re in the library trying to study for finals). Suddenly, it makes me feel kind of sad how fast life go and how much I have been consumed by certain things I miss many chances to live it the way I want to. 

Time flies by. Before I realize it, Viv has technically already done with her college career, Dung and HH are graduating next year and many many many of my other friends are already working and making their living. Around me, people are studying abroad, doing internship, travelling, working, getting married, building their family, … Around me, people are constantly moving on, growing up …

Here I am, still a freshman in college, cannot do anything but helplessly looking at others around me fly high. I am still dependent on my parents, still complain about those papers I have to do and still get lazy and refuse to do work. Honestly, I’m yearning to be able to get out there, to be one of the many in the world who is able to say that they work for themselves and they contribute to the society. Why can’t I just learn everything I need already and get out there and do something?

Every time I have free time to sit back, look out my window and think, I feel like I am wasting time. I ask myself “What am I doing with my life? Shouldn’t I be busy with something?” I am worried because I am not worried. I get scared and anxious when there is not enough stress and anxiety in my life. But even when I’m busy and stressed, I still feel like I am wandering aimlessly and doing things without knowing why I am doing it. 

 

I got to think about days gone by, that carefree time when our schedules were as wide open as our hearts. The time before school and work and relationships began to wind us all down. I couldn’t help but wonder does that sense of adventure still flicker inside of us? Or when it comes to being carefree single girls, have we missed the boat? Or more precisely, have I missed the boat? Have I missed my opportunity to dream big? Have I become too realistic about life that I do not work for my dream anymore? What is it that I am doing exactly?

Today, my psychology professor gave us feedback on our personality tests. Apparently, my need for achievement is not as high as I thought it was. I just implanted in my mind the idea that I am a high-achieving person, while deep inside, I am not at all. 

After all, I am just afraid that I will fall. Or maybe, I AM already falling ….

[az]