No Strings Attached

It wasn't the best movie I have seen. As a matter of fact, it is not that great, and the ending is completely predictable. Even Natalie Portman as the main actress couldn't save it.

 However, it is a movie that I can certainly relate myself with.  I watched it on the plane home, while going through everything that has happened to me the past year in my head and trying to rationalize myself out of the situations, as always.  Such perfect timing, ironically.

I imagine myself as Emma some years later, working 80 hours a week, buried myself in the Emergency Room with no life. Possible, very possible, that if I can make it through med school.

I laugh at what she says, because I, myself, have said similar things:

"May be we should establish ground rules. No lying, no jealousy, no emergeny contact."

" No starring deeply into each other's eyes."

" Don't call me in the afternoon and just say I am thinking about you."

Immediately, I thought:    No, Emma, you were just trying to shield your heart from the possibility of being broken, the same way I protect mine.

But sometimes, your heart takes over, and you do things that later on you'll beat yourself about it, thinking "Why on earthy did I do something like that?"

Emma: [reads card] You give me premature ventricular contractions.

Adam: I'm assuming that's a good thing.

Emma: You make my heart skip a beat. 

And when you have to confront the confession, you get scared. You become cynical, laughing things off, pushing people away and turning on your "denial" mode:

"Adam, you're wonderful. If you're lucky you're never gonna see me again"

"Yeah, talking. Communicating. Relationship stuff. If we were in a relationship I would become a weird scary version of myself. My throat starts constricting. The walls start throbbing. It's like a peanut allergy, like an emotional peanut allergy"

"No. Things were getting too intense so we decided not to see each other until we hook up with other people" 

However,  one day, you realize that, deep inside your heart, the relationship you have is more than just "sex friends", "friends with benefits", or "fuck buddies". And out of the sudden, you want to pick up the phone and call him just to tell him:

"I miss you. I miss you so much"

The movie ends the conventional way, as many other romantic comedies that I have digested. But I had tears in my eyes, because, despite how much I want to, I just can't bring myself to pick up the phone and tell him how much I miss him.

I'm not ready to purchase two boxes of 50 doughnut holes to get over my broken heart. 
I'm not ready to be hurt, yet.

 [az]