Daily Note.

I ran into him for the first time since we were "over" tonight.
I was someone else's date for the banquet, and he, of course, brought his girlfriend.
I didn't think it would affect me this much, but there's just this uneasy feeling keep churning in my stomach. I am so such a bad person for thinking this, but I feel slightly jealous with her. She is pretty but I don't know what is it about her that could keep him, while I couldn't. Okay, to be fair, I kind of let him go on my own, due to circumstances, I really have no right to be feeling like this. Still, I keep having this thought in my head: "A year ago, it was me in that spot".

A year ago, it was me who he texted and called to say goodnight. It was me who he took care of so gently and so tentatively, wouldn't let me stand in the cold for even 1 minute, would lend me his coat whenever I wanted it, would put the blanket over me when I fell asleep studying in his office. It was my hand whose he held possessively in front of his friends. It was me who picked out dress shirts for him the morning. It was me who had his attention, and his care at all time.

Now, all I could get was a hug and mundane conversation like we were even less than friends. I have broken up with more than one guys. I wasn't even that upset nor cry when I ended things with him. Things just happened naturally. But for some reason, this haunts me more than anything. I keep wishing that I wasn't so stupid and could let go of my ego. I wish it was a better timing when I didn't have to go abroad when he needed someone with him. I just secretly I could have been there, last night at the banquet, as his girlfriend.

How greedy of me. Wishing for something that I let go just because other girls get it. Maybe next time, I shouldn't let go of someone that makes me truly happy. Or maybe next time, I should just keep my head, and heels, high and make them secretly wish they didn't let me go. Yep, that's how it should be.

Thanks God I actually looked flawless last night, and it wasn't one of those days when I bum around in nerdy glasses.

Okay, 10 minutes of regretting time is over. Time to move on.