Nightmares are scary

The other night I had a dream. I dreamed that I was a character in an RPG game (indication that I have been thinking about games too much recently). I have completed all the quests, defeated all the enemies and conquered all the kingdoms. Time came for the moment of the final victory and I was ready to battle when the bloody Devil told me that I couldn't not win the game unless I passed Orgo and graduated from U of R. Then my dream just turned into a nightmare.

I woke up, terrified and could not fall back to sleep again.

After graduation, or more like during graduation, it suddenly hit me that once the seniors graduated, it will be my turn. The torch has been passed whether I want to accept it or not. Soon enough, I will be facing with questions such as "What is your plan for after graduation?", "What are you going to do next year?", etc. The truth is, I don't know what I want to do and just the mere thought of my future scares me, makes me restless and sick in the stomach. For all these years, ever since the moment I stepped on the plane to leave my own country, I thought I knew what I wanted to accomplish. Oh, how much the naive thoughts of a 16 year old me amuses me right now. I should have known better. I have always been such an egocentric, arrogant kid who always think that she is better than everyone else. Now fear just takes over. I was restless for what I felt like centuries, and finally broke down when my mom called and the first thing she asked was: "What is your plan for next year?"

I went into a panic attack, or maybe I am still having one. It is one of those moments when I realize I am such a spoiled brat who depends on my parents for everything. Not only do I rely on them for financial, I also need to depend on my mom to calm me down and to keep me going. I wanted to give up. I lost all confidence in myself. I didn't think I could do anything. I thought I was such a worthless daughter who was good for nothing except for spending money. Just like when I failed a national exam for the first time in my life, my parents encourage me, believe in me and keep me going. 

I feel better, and I feel like I could do anything if I have these two behind my back forever. But they won't be ... Another nightmare and panic attack. 

I really should stop stressing myself out and break down into panic attacks. Those are really not fun. They are really painful, and exhausting. 

Lately, I have also felt extremely lonely. Lonely to the bones. Lonely to point that I am afraid of being by myself, or being in the dark. Since when have I become this weak? Where did all my strength go? Since when have I become so dependent on people around me? Such a nightmare. 

I go to work, go to the gym for 2 hours, lie in the sun and read, come home and study or read more. Normally, I should be fine with that. Such a boring routine though. I hate routines. I feel the urge of finding people to spend time with, so I don't feel alone. I need to talk to people. I start texting Brennan because he is the only one I can confide to about my depression and all the other crazy things that go through my head. I don't want to be too clingy to my friends, or to any guy. They actually may think I am one of those psycho girls. 

But what can I do? I am so restless that I want to have someone's company just so that I can fall asleep without having nightmares.  

Spent the night at his place last night, and I slept without any bad dream. I woke up early in the morning and hated myself for becoming so dependent on people company. Another nightmare. 

Home alone today, and felt so terribly terribly scared of the silence, and quiet. What is wrong with me?

Come on Az, you're stronger than this. Just be productive and soon you will be back to your normal self again.

Maybe this will help ... 

13 Rules for Being Alone and Being Happy About It

The following are 13 rules I try to live by when it comes to being alone. They add enormous value to my life.

Whether you’re an introvert trying to make your way in an extrovert’s world, or an extrovert learning to become a better person on your own, I hope they add some value to your life as well.

1. Understand that you’re good enough all by yourself.

You’re a valuable person, and you don’t need the approval of anyone else for that to be true. When you’re alone, remind yourself that it’s because you choose to be. It really is a choice.

It’s very easy to find someone to spend time with, but when you have high standards for the people you allow into your life, you’re telling yourself that you’re better off by yourself than with someone who isn’t a great fit for you.

2. Value others’ opinions, but value your own more.

Don’t ask for advice unless you truly need it. Instead, ask yourself for advice. If you knew the answer to the problem that you have, what would it be?

That’s your answer. The more time you spend asking yourself for advice, the less you start to need input from others. When you trust yourself to solve problems, you become a much stronger and more confident person, and you take on challenges that you wouldn’t have felt capable of before.

3. Learn to be an observer.

I’ve always held the belief that if you aren’t able to take interest in something, it says more about you than whatever it is you find uninteresting.

To truly enjoy being alone, learn to look at ordinary situations in new and unfamiliar ways. Go to the park and watch people play with their children or their dogs. Go to the grocery store and watch how people shop for their groceries.

Everywhere you go, make an effort to understand the other people around you. Learning how people operate when they think no one is watching will make you feel more connected to them.

4. Close your eyes in a dark room and appreciate the silence.

The world is a busy place and, unless you take a moment to step away from it once in a while, it’s easy to forget how nice it is to simply sit alone and enjoy your own company.

Take a moment and sit quietly in a dark room. Listen to everything that is not happening around you. You can learn a lot about yourself in the moments when you’re least occupied—the times when there is nothing to distract you from the thoughts and feelings you deny yourself during your busy days.

5. Learn how to talk to yourself.

They say it’s perfectly normal to talk to yourself; you’re only crazy if you talk back.

Every single person has an inner voice that talks to them at all hours of all days, and getting to know that person and how to talk to them is one of the most important things you can do for yourself.

When you fill your time with other people, it’s easier to ignore this voice, but when you’re alone, it’s your only company. This voice rubs off on you. It is you. The way that you talk to yourself when no one else is around will shape who you are in this world more than anything else.

Just like you’d distance yourself from negative friends who bring you down, it’s just as important to distance yourself from a negative inner voice.

When you’re alone, it can sometimes be hard to stay positive, but you must be kind to yourself.

6. Cherish every interaction.

Most people have to experience some type of tragedy before they begin to understand just how brief our time here is. You get but a few short trips around the sun, and then it’s over.

Time alone is important. Time alone is beautiful. But so is time spent with others.

There is no such thing as a boring person. There is no such thing as a boring situation. If you’re ever bored, it’s because you’re not paying attention. This is a problem with you, not with your surroundings.

Take an interest in every person that comes into your life, even if for only a second. Listen closely to what they say. Watch carefully what they do. Try to understand them as a person. You’ll be better for it.

7. Rearrange your furniture.

When you’re alone, it’s easy to fall into a pattern. It’s easy to stagnate and feel as if things rarely change. And when you’re alone, this is true—things rarely do change unless you make a conscious effort to change them.

The problem is that meaningful change is hard, and what’s hard rarely gets started. To keep things moving, you have to keep things fresh. And to keep things fresh, it’s best to look for small wins that can lead to bigger ones.

Rearranging your furniture is meaningless by itself, but it bring new life to a dull routine, which is easy to fall prey to when you’re spend a lot of time alone.

8. Avoid mindless consumption.

When you’re alone, you have an incredible opportunity to think clearly about your life and the direction you want to take it. In a world that’s often filled with noise, you’ve been given quiet. This is a time to reaffirm the path that your life is on.

Are you happy and fulfilled? Should you keep doing what you’re doing? Or, are you feeling unsatisfied? Should you change something?

These are questions you can only answer when you take advantage of this gift of quiet.  If, instead, you fill your time with entertainment that you mindlessly consume—TV, movies, randomly surfing the web—it will be difficult to answer these questions. You can never devote enough attention to coming to a clear answer.

9. Create, create, create.

To create is one of the most important things you can do in your life. To create among a sea of people (or even just one person) vying for your attention is one of the most difficult things in life.

When you’re alone, the only one stopping you from creating the art, the work, that you’re capable of is yourself. All excuses are gone. When you’re alone, you can lose yourself in your work. When you lose yourself in your work, you can be sure that you’re creating something truly meaningful.

Your other option is to ignore that call to create and, instead, look for temporary comfort in things and people who will eventually leave you unfulfilled. Make use of your loneliness.

10. Make plans for the future, and pursue them immediately.

It’s almost impossible to feel good about your life if you don’t have some type of direction for it. When you meet someone, it’s usually quite easy to see if they have a handle on their life and are happy, or if they’re wandering without aim, looking for something to pursue.

The purpose for your life doesn’t need to be complex or earth shattering. It doesn’t have to be big or overwhelming. It only needs to be present. Once it’s there, it gets much easier to make plans you can take action on.

Pursue these plans immediately. Don’t put them off. Don’t wait for the perfect opportunity. Perfect never comes, and the longer you wait, the harder it is to get started.

Maybe you want to travel the world and understand different cultures. Maybe you want to build a massive stamp collection. It doesn’t matter what it is—pick something you enjoy and go after it.

When you do this, two things happen. First, you gain a sense of confidence in yourself because you see that you’re capable of living on your own terms. Second, this confidence brings new and interesting people into your life.

Being alone can be beautiful, but if you want to add people to your life, finding a purpose for your existence is the fastest way to do it.

11. Go to a movie alone.

Get used to doing things alone that society says is made for two. Go to a movie by yourself and enjoy the picture. Have a great dinner out all by yourself. Take yourself on dates, and learn to treat yourself well.

This will be awkward at first. If you’re used to going out with others, you’ll wonder what you should do with yourself while you’re alone. Don’t try to hide from the discomfort. Accept it. And then laugh about it because, really, who the hell decided that you weren’t supposed to do these things alone?

Besides, to truly enjoy these things with others, you have to learn to enjoy them alone first.

12. Pursue an impractical project.

When you work on a team, the pressure to conform is great. You always have to think about the others in your group and regularly make compromises so that the end result is acceptable to everyone.

In my opinion, this is a terrible way to do something important and personally meaningful.

When you’re alone, you’re free to pursue any kind of project you want in your life. You have the freedom to be completely selfish and make no compromises about what you do or how you do it.

Take advantage of this freedom! An important part of life is doing things that look unwise or impractical to others. Do something that’s completely over your head. Start something that you don’t know how to finish.

Think of the wildest thing you’ve ever wanted to do, then take one small step towards realizing it.

If you’re afraid, understand that this doesn’t have to be your whole life. You can contain it to just a small part. In the piece of your life that you set aside, never, ever allow anyone else’s advice or opinions to direct how you work.

This is something you do alone, for the benefit of no one but yourself.

13. Volunteer your time.

If you’re a hermit when you’re alone, find others that you can be alone around. A great way to do this—and to contribute something positive to the world—is to volunteer your time to a cause you believe in.

Being alone and happy doesn’t mean sequestering yourself from the world. It means being confident enough to know that you can surround yourself with people, but not depend on them for your own happiness.

And one good way to get started is to surround yourself with good people—the kind you’ll find when you give your time to a cause that’s important to you.