This is definitely way pass my bed time and my eyelids are so heavy they just want to stay close. However, I want to finish writing this entry before I wake up tomorrow and let myself being carried away by my busy daily routine.
This morning, I came across this video on the Facebook of one of my students. I have never been a big fan of Vietnamese movies or music because in my opinion they generally are not that great. Naturally, I don't follow them as often. This short movie produced by a group of Vietnamese in the US, either born here or came here to study abroad, however, caught my attention. To be honest, I didn't think neither the acting nor the story line was that great but the movie got me thinking. Although I chose a different path to study abroad and my story is far from similar to the one of the main actress, she still reminded me of the time when I first arrived at the US. That lonely feeling with no one around to share with how you feel, with occasional phone calls from home that just make you homesick even more, and with the simple happiness of having a friend to past time with. I was reminded of all the tears that I cried from being scared of not knowing what to do, surrounded by only strangers. The sixteen year old girl who tried to make her way into another culture, another country with so many new things to learn and too little support to lean on. The sixteen year old girl who decided to leave the comfort of her family to find her dreams and fight with disappointments and harsh reality. I have been in the US for more than six years now and I thought I would have been used to being by myself. That actually is not true. There are still moments when I get jealous of my friends who can go home for holidays, enjoy homemade food, receive care packages from their parents, etc. It is difficult sometimes to realize that I have to make all my decisions alone, without receiving any advice from my parents. Sometimes I wish I were still at an age when all I have to do is to listen to what my parents tell me to do and do it, without having to worry about what the consequences would be. It makes me wonder, why did I ever leave that zone of absolute comfort, warmth and carefreeness and wander into this cruel world?
I spent the rest of the night watching short clips and videos about high school time in Vietnam. It's always been known to us that high school, especially the last two years, are the best time of one's life. Leaving the country before I could experience that "happiest moment", I can only imagine how it would be if I had stayed home instead. For the little bit of memory that I had, middle school was the best part of my life and I would relive that any day (although I'm not sure how I feel about having to go through all those rough exams and tests again). I think everyone would agree that what makes high school years so beautiful and memorable is because it's the transitioning period into adulthood. We experience the best and most innocent feelings: having a crush on someone and having a dream. I would say I miss that feeling of liking someone secretly and not having the courage to tell that person. Being the bold and straighforward girl that I am now, I don't think that feeling will ever come back. I would also say I miss that feeling when even a light touch makes so you feel so happy you could burst into bubbles and fly into the sky. But I wouldn't say that feelings now are not as desirable. It is true that my relationships nowadays involve playing games, texting, facebooking, fancy dates, movie nights, sleep overs, etc. A simple touch doesn't matter as much in a country where physical contact means nothing more than just friendliness. But I feel like the feelings that you get when you know that your feelings are being reciprocated are the same. The first of everything is always the most exciting. I have seen lots of guys for the past four years but I can still clearly remember the first time I got that confirmation from each of them, the moment when you know they feel the same and that you're not just a sad single and lonely girl with one-sided crush. Yes, I miss all the innocent hang-outs at the mall and hand-written notes to each other. I miss the awkward moment when we sit next to each others and have nothing to say. But I also love the moments when I can cuddle up to the familiar scent and feel that comfortable warmth surrounded me. I love the feeling of going to bed and wake up in the morning with pure happiness.
It is true that there are lots of memories I want to cherish and that sometimes I look back and wish I could go back to the days when I were young. However, I believe that each stage of my life has its own excitement and things I can look forward to, and remember when I look back from the future. I believe that feelings are feelings, doesn't matter how you express it, doesn't matter how many times you have done it, the excitement and happiness that they bring about will still be the same. And isn't that what life a little bit less lonely, especially for a girl who is away from home like me?