Daily Note

I thought after all this time I would no longer write about you but here I am again. I try not to because every time I do, it is full of sadness, regrets, anger or frustration. But I like to write because I know once I'm done writing about something, I won't have to be stuck with those thoughts for days. I simply put everything into words, leave them here and move on.

After all this time, I'm still not sure how I really feel, or how we really feel about each other in that matter. I could be lying in bed one Friday night and miss you like I would miss my Starbucks green tea latte. Then I would get dressed, go out, meet a cute guy, and forget all about my pathetic lonely self a few hours earlier. I could be waking up next to you one Sunday morning then get into a fight with you later that night and would refuse to see you again for the next two months. I could be writing you emails that make you run for the hills then the next day I would tell you to stop bother me so I could be with another guy. I am a selfish person. I do everything for myself. However, when it comes to you, I wonder if I really am doing everything for myself, or I am just getting frustrated after days and months of waiting for you to realize what I am to you. 

I hate that I turn into the jealous and sarcastic girl around you. I am never that way around any other guy because I trust all my guys completely, just like how I used to trust you with all my mind. Sometimes I do things that I am not completely proud of, so I believe that it is the same case for everyone. We are all human. We make mistakes. We are all young. We lose control of our minds sometimes and do things that we would like to slap ourselves in the face for the next day. But I always want to believe that no matter what happens, it will always be me whom they come back to in the end. I am a confident girl after all. Yet, when I see you or hear about you with someone else, I have this feeling in my stomach that drains all my energy. I feel that I am such a bad person for having double standards, for having all these thoughts and for getting upset because after all, who am I to you anyway?  "Whatever, I don't care" is my go-to sentence that I always tell myself and others when it comes to these situations. But do I really not? That knot in my stomach tells me that it's more like I don't want to know because I want to stay in denial, to only see what will make me happy and ignore what makes me sad. Then my mind would find reasons for me to look at things on the "bright" side, so that the next time I see you and the next time you put your arms around me, I will continue to live that lie. 

I know why it didn't work out between us and I know, from the bottom of my heart, that it never will. I am strong enough to fake my emotions and pretend like I don't care but not enough to bear all these doubts and pain. I am patient enough to keep forgiving things that you have done to me but not enough to wait for you to realize that I mean more to you than you think. I am selfish enough to want to protect my heart, but not enough to put it beyond everything else in my life and find ways to make you mine. 

I feel like I'm standing on a fragile glass floor that has become so fragile from so many times I stepped back and forth. If I don't move, I will fall and get hurt. If I step forward like I've done multiple times in the past, I could be safe. But at this point, the glass may break the moment I walk away and I would never be able to go back to where I was. Or what if I take a wrong step forward and everything shatters? 

What if in the end, no matter what I do, I would still end up falling and getting hurt? Then what do I do?