More than once in life, I have this faint idea that I am more of a perfectionist that I am willing to admit:
1. I believe: “If you don’t get a 100% on a test, then it’s nothing”. This belief gives me enough motivation to spend more hours than I want in the library and much less in everywhere else. It also gives me the 100% chance of disappointment of after getting test scores. (Even if the test is easy, then the percent expected would be leveled up to 120%)
2. Architecture, fashion, music, journalism, psychology, biology, international relations, humanity, linguistic, relationship, graphic design, culinary, martial arts: these are all the fields that I want to excel in. Yes, all of them.
3. My ideal boyfriend:
- British accent with a deep and low voice that brings immense warmth
- Play instrument”s”, preferably guitar and piano, compose, sing and dance
- Doesn’t have to be a genius but at least not a douche bag
- Mentally and physically healthy
- Just a right amount of romanticism and realism, not too much, not too little
- DO NOT sweet talk
- Decent-looking
- Conversationally entertaining
- Organized and responsible
- Level of maturity higher than a high-schooler
- Have enough love chemical in his heart
- Good sense of fashion
- High level of endurance and patience
- Strong enough to stand up for himself
Above is the [excessively] simplified version of my ideal life.
The first 2 items are to prove the extent of my ridiculous-ism. The third item is the one that has circled my mind for the past week and it will keep circling around there and drive me crazy unless I do something about it. So I write.
I am not an idealist. I am a realist. Therefore, I know better than to rely on more than 15% of that list. As a perfectionist, I have to shamefully admit that, more than often, I overlook up to 12 out of 14 these items. I categorize guys into smaller and more practical lists: “The good-looking”, “The nice personality”, “The perfect”, “The potential”, “The friends” and “The gimme-a-break” and I rank them. The ranks are dynamic; they change accordingly to words, actions and behaviors.
The thing is, you have to understand, I do try not to judge them boys but it is a difficult thing to avoid in this world full of dishonesty and ambiguity. I just want to protect my fragile soul and unstable mental mind.
In my opinion, creating a relationship is nothing more than solving a science problem using the algorithmic method:
1. You use your instinct and intuition, attempting to understand the nature of the problems.
2. If your intuition is correct, good for you. If your intuition is incorrect, you need to move on to a more time-consuming strategy. You try to look at the problem with another view, and test it out.
3. After various attempts, eventually you will find the correct answer and be happy. If you do not have enough patience and persistence, you give up. It can be sad, it can be disappointing, but eventually you will move on to another problem and start over.
Unfortunately, science has proved that intuition often brings about more inaccuracy and mistake than one wants. Also more than often, life has cruelly proved that patience and persistence do not always pay off. As a result, there are, indeed, many unsolvable problems in this world and most likely, they will be unsolvable until there comes an extremely outstanding, and also extremely lucky, figure.
From stepping over and recovering from many mistakes, I learn to overlook (many) certain things, to give numerous chances, to reassure myself with positive, to conceive optimistic and humanistic thoughts, to look at things from numerous aspects and to repeatedly put my endurance and forgiveness levels into tests. I swear to my heart, that the one who is ranked number one my list right now, the one who I have a crush on right now is nowhere to close to the list of perfection, he miraculously makes it to the top, just because my emotions overweight everything else.
Sometimes, a girl, regardless of how realistic and how rational she is, gives in to passion and emotions. Sometimes, however, all of these good virtues are too much to take and a girl has the right to be out of control, to break down, shed tears of disappointment, of pain and of unhappiness and to rightfully give up. Sometimes, it is too much to ask for.
It is often said that most girls are rather particular about guys. It is not the case. Girls make endless lists of impossible/ideal boyfriend but she disregards the lists at the moment her heart gives in. Guys, as a matter of fact, have more [great] expectations that they appear to be. Consider these:
1. When a guy considers a girl pretty, he puts into mind her skin complexion, eyes, lips, cheekbones, eyelashes, eyebrows and hair. Girls have to stock up on cleanser, toner, moisturizer, lotion, foundation, powder, oil control,sunscreen, day cream, and night cream with different pH levels (we learn more about pH through makeups than through Chem lecture). Girls get comments when her skin is too pale, too tanned, too dry, too oily, her foundation is too thick or that the blush is too pink. Girls need lipsticks, lipgloss, eyeliner, eyeshadow, eyelash curler, mascara, false lashes, etc. Even her nails have to cut, filed and polished. Seriously, who cares if a guy does not have smooth skin, or that his eyelashes are not long and thick enough, or that his hair is not perfectly made? Who gives a guy a comment like “Jeez, your skin is really dry”. “Look, you have split ends!” or “Ugh, you should repaint your nails.”
2. Moving away from the face comes the body. A “hot” girl, depends on cultural views, should be either skinny or has perfect curves. If a girl is born with naturally perfect body shape, good for her. If not, it is a constant struggle, of social preferences and of self-esteem. Why is it that girls have higher rate of eating disorders that guys do? Because we are expected to be perfect. Who cares if a guy finishes a whole pizza by himself? Who cares if a guy eat 5 meals a day? While on the other hand, girls have to plan her diet, watch her calories, stock her fridges with fruits and yogurt and reluctantly turn away from the cookies, and get criticized for doing so. For god sake, girls share the same love for food just as anyone else on earth does then why does she have to constantly repress that thought? Besides the skinny types, there are girls who have to consume more sugar or fat then do particular exercises to get the “right curves”.
3. A girl is always expected to smell like a Victoria Secret store, not only her body, but her hair, her clothes, her purse and her room. However, the process of getting the perfect scent is not that simple. The perfume has to fit her ages, images and personality. Yes, a scent that fits personalities.
4. Of course, a girl cannot only have a pretty face, a good body and an appealing smell, but also has to be smart. She cannot be too smart though, which explains why sometimes girls have to play dumb to get guys. There are living proofs out there of women who are successful in their careers, financially independence and either single or suffering from multiple divorces.
5. Girls are expected to have good sense of fashion and therefore, to dress nicely. Colors have to be matched. Too revealing makes you a slut. Too conservative makes you non-attractive. Everything has to be at a perfect level. Not everyone is a fashion designer, you know.
6. And, it cannot be neglected that a girl also needs a perfect personality. There are different combinations: the good and loving girl, the active and outgoing girl and the sexy and attractive girl. If a girl is shy then she should act girly, cute, kind and extremely caring. Or she has to be friendly, outgoing, has a radiant smile, an enjoyable laugh and is able to make you smile all the time. Or she has to be flirty, sexy and driving your mind crazy. Where is the chance for a girl who does not satisfy all the requirements to fit in the categories? Where is the place for a funny and outgoing girl who sometimes has her moments and throws a fit? Where is the place for a smart, argumentative, ambitious yet tremendously caring and loving one?
7. Rarely, it is acceptable for a girl to be straightforward and “pushy”. Girls have to be patient and tell themselves not to send many texts, not to be obvious, play cool, play hard-to-get, and many other rules while her heart and mind are frustrated by the ambiguity and confusing words and actions of the guys. However, it is also not the right thing to do if a girl just sits around and waits for the love of her life to come. Again, every texts, every words, every actions a girl throw out there have to be FREAKING JUST RIGHT! Sometimes, a girl just wants to scream out loud "GOD DAMN IT, can't you just say it already? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING PLAYING WITH MY FEELINGS?"
I give up. I can’t do this anymore. It is too much for me to take. I am a perfectionist but how much effort do I have to put in just to find a person who truly cares? There are numerous times when I wish I do not have to force myself in the freezing cold shower, wish I do not have to spend an extra half an hour to put on makeup every morning, wish I do not have to remember all the skincare products whenever I pack, wish I do not have to make sure my nails look decent, etc. Cosmetics maybe my interest and fashion maybe my obsession but it’d be great if I can say I pursue those purely for pleasure, not for living up to expectations.
People can give me wise advices and tell me that I do not have to conform to the world, that I do not have to care about what other people things and that I can just live the way I want. What if the way I want to live is to live up to other people’s expectations? Then does that mean I have no choice but to conform? I have, numerously, reinvented my personality. I have tried many different characteristics: shy, quiet, studious, rebellious, outgoing, friendly, moody, caring, nonchalant, talkative, flirty …
What else do I have to do? I overlook things in other people but do people overlook things in me? What the hell do I have to do to be “just right”? If I can solve this with a math equation, I totally would. I am not desperate to be in a relationship. I still think relationships are bothersome. I'd love to be single and live life simply. Sometimes I don't say what I mean and I don't mean what I say. Sometimes I do not know what my heart wants and what my mind thinks.
I am cynical and I am judgmental. I speak my mind and I write my heart out. If my chaotic and frustrated thoughts bother you, speak your mind.
1. I believe: “If you don’t get a 100% on a test, then it’s nothing”. This belief gives me enough motivation to spend more hours than I want in the library and much less in everywhere else. It also gives me the 100% chance of disappointment of after getting test scores. (Even if the test is easy, then the percent expected would be leveled up to 120%)
2. Architecture, fashion, music, journalism, psychology, biology, international relations, humanity, linguistic, relationship, graphic design, culinary, martial arts: these are all the fields that I want to excel in. Yes, all of them.
3. My ideal boyfriend:
- British accent with a deep and low voice that brings immense warmth
- Play instrument”s”, preferably guitar and piano, compose, sing and dance
- Doesn’t have to be a genius but at least not a douche bag
- Mentally and physically healthy
- Just a right amount of romanticism and realism, not too much, not too little
- DO NOT sweet talk
- Decent-looking
- Conversationally entertaining
- Organized and responsible
- Level of maturity higher than a high-schooler
- Have enough love chemical in his heart
- Good sense of fashion
- High level of endurance and patience
- Strong enough to stand up for himself
Above is the [excessively] simplified version of my ideal life.
The first 2 items are to prove the extent of my ridiculous-ism. The third item is the one that has circled my mind for the past week and it will keep circling around there and drive me crazy unless I do something about it. So I write.
I am not an idealist. I am a realist. Therefore, I know better than to rely on more than 15% of that list. As a perfectionist, I have to shamefully admit that, more than often, I overlook up to 12 out of 14 these items. I categorize guys into smaller and more practical lists: “The good-looking”, “The nice personality”, “The perfect”, “The potential”, “The friends” and “The gimme-a-break” and I rank them. The ranks are dynamic; they change accordingly to words, actions and behaviors.
The thing is, you have to understand, I do try not to judge them boys but it is a difficult thing to avoid in this world full of dishonesty and ambiguity. I just want to protect my fragile soul and unstable mental mind.
In my opinion, creating a relationship is nothing more than solving a science problem using the algorithmic method:
1. You use your instinct and intuition, attempting to understand the nature of the problems.
2. If your intuition is correct, good for you. If your intuition is incorrect, you need to move on to a more time-consuming strategy. You try to look at the problem with another view, and test it out.
3. After various attempts, eventually you will find the correct answer and be happy. If you do not have enough patience and persistence, you give up. It can be sad, it can be disappointing, but eventually you will move on to another problem and start over.
Unfortunately, science has proved that intuition often brings about more inaccuracy and mistake than one wants. Also more than often, life has cruelly proved that patience and persistence do not always pay off. As a result, there are, indeed, many unsolvable problems in this world and most likely, they will be unsolvable until there comes an extremely outstanding, and also extremely lucky, figure.
From stepping over and recovering from many mistakes, I learn to overlook (many) certain things, to give numerous chances, to reassure myself with positive, to conceive optimistic and humanistic thoughts, to look at things from numerous aspects and to repeatedly put my endurance and forgiveness levels into tests. I swear to my heart, that the one who is ranked number one my list right now, the one who I have a crush on right now is nowhere to close to the list of perfection, he miraculously makes it to the top, just because my emotions overweight everything else.
Sometimes, a girl, regardless of how realistic and how rational she is, gives in to passion and emotions. Sometimes, however, all of these good virtues are too much to take and a girl has the right to be out of control, to break down, shed tears of disappointment, of pain and of unhappiness and to rightfully give up. Sometimes, it is too much to ask for.
It is often said that most girls are rather particular about guys. It is not the case. Girls make endless lists of impossible/ideal boyfriend but she disregards the lists at the moment her heart gives in. Guys, as a matter of fact, have more [great] expectations that they appear to be. Consider these:
1. When a guy considers a girl pretty, he puts into mind her skin complexion, eyes, lips, cheekbones, eyelashes, eyebrows and hair. Girls have to stock up on cleanser, toner, moisturizer, lotion, foundation, powder, oil control,sunscreen, day cream, and night cream with different pH levels (we learn more about pH through makeups than through Chem lecture). Girls get comments when her skin is too pale, too tanned, too dry, too oily, her foundation is too thick or that the blush is too pink. Girls need lipsticks, lipgloss, eyeliner, eyeshadow, eyelash curler, mascara, false lashes, etc. Even her nails have to cut, filed and polished. Seriously, who cares if a guy does not have smooth skin, or that his eyelashes are not long and thick enough, or that his hair is not perfectly made? Who gives a guy a comment like “Jeez, your skin is really dry”. “Look, you have split ends!” or “Ugh, you should repaint your nails.”
2. Moving away from the face comes the body. A “hot” girl, depends on cultural views, should be either skinny or has perfect curves. If a girl is born with naturally perfect body shape, good for her. If not, it is a constant struggle, of social preferences and of self-esteem. Why is it that girls have higher rate of eating disorders that guys do? Because we are expected to be perfect. Who cares if a guy finishes a whole pizza by himself? Who cares if a guy eat 5 meals a day? While on the other hand, girls have to plan her diet, watch her calories, stock her fridges with fruits and yogurt and reluctantly turn away from the cookies, and get criticized for doing so. For god sake, girls share the same love for food just as anyone else on earth does then why does she have to constantly repress that thought? Besides the skinny types, there are girls who have to consume more sugar or fat then do particular exercises to get the “right curves”.
3. A girl is always expected to smell like a Victoria Secret store, not only her body, but her hair, her clothes, her purse and her room. However, the process of getting the perfect scent is not that simple. The perfume has to fit her ages, images and personality. Yes, a scent that fits personalities.
4. Of course, a girl cannot only have a pretty face, a good body and an appealing smell, but also has to be smart. She cannot be too smart though, which explains why sometimes girls have to play dumb to get guys. There are living proofs out there of women who are successful in their careers, financially independence and either single or suffering from multiple divorces.
5. Girls are expected to have good sense of fashion and therefore, to dress nicely. Colors have to be matched. Too revealing makes you a slut. Too conservative makes you non-attractive. Everything has to be at a perfect level. Not everyone is a fashion designer, you know.
6. And, it cannot be neglected that a girl also needs a perfect personality. There are different combinations: the good and loving girl, the active and outgoing girl and the sexy and attractive girl. If a girl is shy then she should act girly, cute, kind and extremely caring. Or she has to be friendly, outgoing, has a radiant smile, an enjoyable laugh and is able to make you smile all the time. Or she has to be flirty, sexy and driving your mind crazy. Where is the chance for a girl who does not satisfy all the requirements to fit in the categories? Where is the place for a funny and outgoing girl who sometimes has her moments and throws a fit? Where is the place for a smart, argumentative, ambitious yet tremendously caring and loving one?
7. Rarely, it is acceptable for a girl to be straightforward and “pushy”. Girls have to be patient and tell themselves not to send many texts, not to be obvious, play cool, play hard-to-get, and many other rules while her heart and mind are frustrated by the ambiguity and confusing words and actions of the guys. However, it is also not the right thing to do if a girl just sits around and waits for the love of her life to come. Again, every texts, every words, every actions a girl throw out there have to be FREAKING JUST RIGHT! Sometimes, a girl just wants to scream out loud "GOD DAMN IT, can't you just say it already? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING PLAYING WITH MY FEELINGS?"
I give up. I can’t do this anymore. It is too much for me to take. I am a perfectionist but how much effort do I have to put in just to find a person who truly cares? There are numerous times when I wish I do not have to force myself in the freezing cold shower, wish I do not have to spend an extra half an hour to put on makeup every morning, wish I do not have to remember all the skincare products whenever I pack, wish I do not have to make sure my nails look decent, etc. Cosmetics maybe my interest and fashion maybe my obsession but it’d be great if I can say I pursue those purely for pleasure, not for living up to expectations.
People can give me wise advices and tell me that I do not have to conform to the world, that I do not have to care about what other people things and that I can just live the way I want. What if the way I want to live is to live up to other people’s expectations? Then does that mean I have no choice but to conform? I have, numerously, reinvented my personality. I have tried many different characteristics: shy, quiet, studious, rebellious, outgoing, friendly, moody, caring, nonchalant, talkative, flirty …
What else do I have to do? I overlook things in other people but do people overlook things in me? What the hell do I have to do to be “just right”? If I can solve this with a math equation, I totally would. I am not desperate to be in a relationship. I still think relationships are bothersome. I'd love to be single and live life simply. Sometimes I don't say what I mean and I don't mean what I say. Sometimes I do not know what my heart wants and what my mind thinks.
I am cynical and I am judgmental. I speak my mind and I write my heart out. If my chaotic and frustrated thoughts bother you, speak your mind.
[az]
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