Goodbyes

I haven certainly written about goodbyes before. It is such a thought-provoking and (maybe) heart-breaking topic that most people, like me, generally avoid.

This is me, 5 years ago:

" Please, don’t ... 
Why? Why not?
Everyone is fully aware that the time of goodbye will eventually come. But who among us is prepared for that time to come? We come into each other life, bring along with us laughter, happiness but when we leave, we also leave behind us an immense emptiness in each other heart. The greater the happiness is, the greater the pain will be. So what should we do? Keep ourselves from loving, from giving away our feelings so that we would not be defeated by the pain of parting? It is easy said than done. Who is able to keep himself from feelings? It takes a minute to remember someone but a life time to forget that person."

The creative writing piece I prepared for presentation at Governor's School graduation. It was a long time ago, or it seemed like it. I was 17, and my cynicism and sarcasm weren't too bad. It was the time when I could comfortably cry my heart out in the embraces of others. I wasn't afraid to show emotions, and weakness. I believed in forever. I believed that no one could ever change what I had.  I believed that if I never utter the word goodbye, things would stay exactly how they were. 


I was young then. I still hate goodbyes. But I no longer believe that I should avoid them. I convince myself it is for the best. Sometimes, it is better to let go. Easier said than done, right? Letting go is the hardest thing I've taught myself.  I have lots of things to let go and I have never quite perfect the art of letting go. 


There is always something that holds me back. What ifs. I always ask myself, what if it will become better? What if things change? What if I change? It's a blind shot. You don't know what will happen in the future. Most of the time you just need to go with your instinct. If it turns out well, that's good. If it turns out badly, well, I'd start with another series of what ifs. 
It sounds pathetic, in my opinion at least. But let me say this, behind that series what ifs is hope, dreams, and the little bit of what left of my emotional side. I want to believe in the future. No, I want to believe in the moment. I want to have hopes in whatever I have in my hands right now because I don't want to let it go. Or more like, I don't want to let it go because I still want to believe in the best of it. 


Throughout the course of time, I learned that things don't usually turn out that way. Most of the time, my what ifs just sound like excuses for my indecisiveness and not being able to let go. I would beat myself over it, write motivational messages on the wall, or write down my determination. Sometimes it works, sometimes I get carried away. 


So what this all have to do with goodbyes? Goodbye (forever) is to let go of something you still want to hold dear to your heart. It is difficult. It is heart-breaking. It requires decisions. It requires emotions too. And it will be something I am still working on for a very long time. I need to learn not to avoid goodbyes and to let things go. Because why? Because sometimes it is easier to forget, and there's nothing wrong with take things easy.


This is me, now:

"Don’t say goodbye at all. Keep the relationship going and going and going, until there’s nothing left and you’re in two completely different places. You’re sitting next to each other on the couch but you might as well be in Somalia and them in Delaware. The emotional distance is actually terrifying. Now you know that you can understand someone so completely and then not at all. Just like that. And even though it’s terrible, none of you have the guts to cut it off so you just act out the love; you dig deep inside of yourself to access a time when it felt real and you try to bring it to the surface. It’s really quite dreadful and pathetic. Sometimes, the most painful goodbyes are the ones that never get said.

Say goodbye by turning your cheek in bed. Say goodbye when you accidentally tell someone you’re single. Say goodbye when you start to think of your grocery list during sex. Say goodbye when you start to wince when they rub your shoulders. Say goodbye when you find yourself behaving with an edge of ugliness. Say goodbye when you sleep with someone else. Say goodbye when you start to actually hate them for not doing the dishes. Say goodbye when your mind is made up. Say goodbye when there’s no longer a reason to say hello."