Daily Note.

   This is the first time in a very long time that I feel so discouraged and defeated. Ever since I was a kid, I have always firmly believed that if I work hard and put enough efforts into something, I will do well. And I live by that. No matter what I do, whether it's school, organizations, friends' birthday parties or simply just working out, I always try to put in my best. Even in "relationships", although no one really believes that I actually put efforts into them. That's just how I am and I get questions from people all the time: "Why do you always work so hard?"

   This summer class is tiring me out. I wake up at 7am, review for classes while eating breakfast, get to class by 825am, pay full attention til 11am, study during lunch break, stay in lab from 1 - 4pm, study during the little time I have until workshop starts at 530pm, and study from when workshop ends until whenever the sun goes down. I haven't worked this hard for a class ever since high school. Yet, I still didn't do well. I don't know why and it frustrates the heck out of me. It crushes my values to the core. What happens to "work hard and you will get it"?

   Yes, I may sound like I am whining, and defending myself, but what am I supposed to do? As I'm growing up, I have slowly came to a realization that not everything goes my way and not everything will end up the way I want them to be. However, that does not mean that I can just sit around and let things happen. I like to fight for what I believe is right and I like to see myself working for it.

  Nevertheless, the fight can get very long and I eventually get worn out. Times like this, I always tell myself to be strong, to stand up and keep fighting. Although, to be honest, sometimes I just want to give up. It is very tiring to be strong all the time. 


  After a long day beating myself over my incompetence, I went home hoping that I could get some of the frustration out of my system. Then, I realized I couldn't. The moment I started talking about, tears came out and I felt so weak and pathetic, I stopped. I was looking for someone to pick me up, to encourage me, to keep me going but I can't bear the thought of looking pathetic in front of them. In the end, I just hide in my room, cry, then motivate myself and keep myself going.

  Actually, there has always been Brennan. He has always been there for me through my ups and downs, more so on the down side. He never does much, never talks much, but he's always able to make me feel a whole lot better. I come to him when I'm sad, "depressed", disappointed, angry, happy, excited, etc. But then at the same time, truth is, I really don't have anyone to come to besides him. 


 I recently put on my wall a list of reasons why I can be alone and still be happy, to remind myself that, indeed, I can. However, sometimes it's just very hard to keep going. Sometimes you fall, and even though you know you can get up by yourself, you know it just feels so much better to have someone to lean on. 


 Haven't found that someone yet ...


 Until then, I will keep getting up by myself. And I will still believe that if I work hard at something, I will do it well. 


 Don't give up, az. You can do it.