I deserve to be irreplaceable

No matter how tough and strong I always appear in front of everyone, I know that I actually have a softer side more than anyone else. Just that I am always better at being in denial about my softness, I guess. For some reason though, I feel like people actually realize this side of me even more easily than I want to admit. Darn it.

That must be why I like Christmas more than anyone else. Well, I always tell people that it is because I love the decorations, and the sweets. Although, to think about it, I probably like the heart-felt, warm feelings that everything about Christmas gives me. I enjoy shopping, wrapping presents, baking dessert, decorating the house, and just love the feeling of being warmed by the simplest thing. I honestly am such an easy to entertain person. Even the smallest things make me happy.

A few days before Christmas, I "secretly" watch Love Actually. I have always been denial and tried to avoid watching the movie since everyone is so crazy about it. Yep, I hate following the crowd and doing things that everyone does. However, I was sad and the movie made me happy. Didn't really like all of the stories but some stories really made me smile. Despite any reviews and posts from Thought Catalog, I loved the story boards that Mark made.

With any luck, by next year - I'll be going out with one of these girls - (shows pictures of beautiful supermodels) - But for now, let me say - Without hope or agenda - Just because it's Christmas - And at Christmas you tell the truth - To me, you are perfect - And my wasted heart will love you - Until you look like this - (shows a picture of a mummy) - Merry Christmas.

Not all love story ends with a happy ending, and not all lovers end up together. That doesn't make it any less love than others, right? It is Christmas, and because it's Christmas, I'll tell the truth to my heart content. 

I am not sure if I can say that this year has been a rough year for me mentally. I have enjoyed myself and have been less stressed than any other year since I have started college, well, maybe except for the semester when I was abroad. I cared so little about things that it actually scared me. Me, the perfectionist, have become so casual about everything that I could hardly recognize myself. 

All business asides, I struggled, to make myself happy. I realized things that I have been doing wrong, but realizing things, and say things, and putting them into action, are two different things. I miss him, every day. No matter how many times I have told people I am over him, I am not. No matter how many times I told myself to be strong, I am not. No matter how many guys I have been with to make myself feel less lonely, I am not. It is killing me inside to admit how much I care about him, and about the little relationship that we had. I want to believe that he feels the same way, but to be honest, that has always been my illusion. What I want to believe and reality is so different that it hurts my heart to admit. I cried, and cried, until I have no tears left to cry for myself. 

To think about it though, I no longer think of myself as being pathetic, or weak. I have the right to be this way because I have always been strong. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me having feelings for a person, no matter how the person turns out to be. I don't have to be strong all the time, do I? 

A new  year has come, and my feelings for him still remain. I don't hate him though, because the memories, and the things that he has done for me are still there. Even though he doesn't think about me that way anymore, at some point during the two years that we were together, he must have done everything thinking about me, and caring about me. Even if 90% of all his words were lies, 10% of his action must have been real. For that, I will always thank him. I am such a naive person, no? Oh well, that's how I am. 

What I can say right now is that I am getting more and more used to being without him. And little by little I start to believe that there has to be someone out there who cares about me. All the guys out there, even if they are looking for nothing good, at least they think about me every time they send me a message, at least they want to talk to me and keep me company when I want them to. There is no reason for me to let the past hold me back and prevent me from recognizing and appreciating everything that others do for me, right? 

So, guys in the past, thank you for everything you have done for me. I may be thinking about you, and remembering things we did together and being sad about it for a little while, but that doesn't mean I will let you hold me back. It's a new year and it is time for me to look for something new. 

See, this is why I hate Christmas, New Year and all the romantic movies. They make me believe in relationships. They make me think that maybe after all, I don't want to be by myself all the time. Maybe after all, I want someone to be by my side? I believe I deserve all the attention and care that I am worth of, after all. Just like Chanel has said In order to be irreplaceable, one must always be different, I will always be different and show everyone that even if you have cast me aside, there is no one that can replace me in this world, ever. And I will make sure of that. 

Well, I guess that is something I will have to wait until the next year to see.