"I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing; kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles."- Audrey Hepburn

Jan 15, 2013

Why can't I be 12?


As much as I deny being an attached person, I enjoy being home. When I was younger, I guess I hated it, because my parents, mostly my mom, always make me do things around the house. I hate cooking and I hate doing housework. Though I'm a clean freak, I see no point in my mom making me clean while she is so much cleaner, and then yell at me for not being clean enough =.= Plus, what is the housemaid for anyway? (See, I'm such a snob). Now that I'm a bit older and understand things a little bit better, seeing that my parents are not in good health anymore, I don't mind helping out. I get to go see my friends with much more freedom and don't have such strict curfews anymore. I also get to travel to places, and can actually appreciate the time and experience I get when I travel. Thus, being home is, indeed, not that bad at all.

But the feelings of being careless and having no worry only last for a while. When I don't have lots of things to do, I tend to think a lot. Recently, I have been constantly worrying about graduation and my career. It's a common thing for people to think about, so I guess I am no different. I am always confident about my grades and never really worried that I will end up being a good-for-nothing. I am not incredibly smart like others, but I believe that if I try hard enough, there's nothing that I can't do. My parents always believe in me too. They occasionally ask about my career plans, but they trust me to know what to do. I'm a girl who knows what I want and always go for what I want after all. My parents never really force me to study anything, and encourage me to do what I like. They feel bad for me when I suffer too much and ask me why I have to push myself so hard. Even they don't want me to have to struggle and tell me to just take it easy and let them take care of me. Of course, I couldn't do that. I want to do everything with my own efforts, be successful and able to take care of myself. But what if I have been tricking myself the entire time? What if I don't know what I want to do and I am actually lost? Being lost without realizing that you are lost is even scarier than being lost itself. Sometimes I wish I have my parents to scold me and tell me what to do like when I was little. The fact that they let me make all the decisions scare me. What if I make the wrong choice? What if I fumble, fall and can never get up again? Right now, I worry about the last thing that I would ever imagine: what if I can't even manage to graduate? What the hell right? A person who always seems to have straight As, working at various labs, and getting jobs even before graduating, how can she be scared of not being able to graduate? I  know the problems I have right now can be solved if I try hard enough. My dad often says, every problems has its own solution, if I can't solve it this way, he will solve it for me another way. I am that spoiled kid, after all.

When I feel uneasy, I go to church and pray. I am not a religious person by any means and I barely even go to church. Yet, when I run into problems that I can't solve, being at church and praying gives me peace at heart. I can walk out feeling like I can conquer the world. I believe that I need that extra super power to keep me strong. Being strong all the time is not easy.

No, it's not. Sometimes I wish I have someone I can look up to, and can forget all about my ego to tell that person all my worries, all my weakness and get some advice. Sometimes I wish I could just not a capable person so that someone feels inclined to help me out. Carrying so much weight on my shoulders is so tiring, and lonely.It is so frightening that I can't sleep a t nights. Even if I do, I keep having nightmares.

I probably think too much again, don't I? Everything will be ok. I can do it.

Growing up is such a scary thing. I am scared. I'm only 22. What can I do, really? I just want to be 12, and the scariest thing is the dark, and having no one to put me to sleep.

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